Untouchable and out of touch

[MagpieMad]

Untouchable and out of touch: yep, I want to be an Aussie rules umpire

By Richard Hinds
April 27 2002
smh.com.au

To Jeff Gieschen, AFL Umpires director

Dear Sir,

Having this week read about the case of West Coast Eagles forward Phil Matera, suspended for two weeks for pushing one of your charges, I would like to apply to become an AFL umpire.

I was delighted to see Matera suspended for his cowardly attack. After all, if every player who was off balance because his opponent had played on instinctively stuck out a hand and fended away the umpie - who was standing right beside him - where would the game be? Not only does this set a shocking example for children, there was a very real danger Matera could have got mud on the official's crisp white shirt.

Essendon champion James Hird reckons no player would ever deliberately touch an umpire, but I'm not so sure. It seems every week we are seeing more players sidestepping their opponents or overrunning the ball so that they can lightly tap the officials. Full-forwards are practising low-trajectory kicks so they can knock off the goal umpires' hats. Interchange players are sticking out their feet from the bench attempting to trip the boundary umpires.


Clearly there are enormous advantages to be gained from these ploys - although none come immediately to mind.

As someone who suffers harassment in the workplace, I would love to enjoy the same level of protection afforded your men.

When I'm pushed out of the way while lunging for the last Monte Carlo at the coffee urn, I would like to see the miscreant suspended from work. The next time someone brushes past me and gets into the lift ahead of me just before the door closes, I think there should be a substantial fine.

Unfortunately, it does not seem likely that I will be given what seems like fair protection from so-called "incidental contact" in the workplace. So it looks like I will have to become an umpire.

First, I should make it clear I don't have a full grasp or understanding of the rules. Fortunately, having observed several AFL games this year, this does not seem to be an insurmountable hurdle to a career in white. More importantly I have a wide and varied work history that has taken me from accountancy all the way to bookkeeping.

Also, in accordance with current umpiring policy, I have absolutely no sense of humour in the traditional sense.

Not only do I believe the chicken should have been stopped and put on its correct angle before being allowed to cross the road, I think Elaine should have been pulled back 50 metres every time she shoved Jerry in the chest on Seinfeld.

This, of course, does not mean I don't know how to have a good time. Indeed, my current colleagues consider me quite the prankster. So you can rest assured I will be hiding the goal umpires' flags before the game, extracting the pea from colleagues' whistles and, on more raucous nights, providing a rather ribald interpretation of rule six, section 2.2 with the best of them.

I know some commentators believe your men have lost the human touch and don't have a very good relationship with the players. However, I think an examination of my family life will ease any concerns on that score. Little No1, No2 and No3 have benefited from the warmth and understanding they receive from their loving father.

My wish to be an umpire should not be taken as a sign that I have a lust for power or self-promotion. Any good umpire realises his best performances go unnoticed and I would avoid making controversial decisions until at least time-on in the last quarter when the TV ratings peak and I might get a nice close-up.

I am also aware that, should I make it as an umpire, I could face vilification and harassment from disgruntled fans. Fortunately, all the windows in my house have already been smashed and my tyres let down after a difference of opinion with neighbours. (How was I to know their car would be towed away after I reported them for staying 10 minutes too long in a two-hour parking zone?)

In accordance with your employment guidelines, I would also be willing to grow an extravagant moustache, wear shorts at least one size too small, bounce the ball at a 45-degree angle and do a convincing impersonation of a senior sergeant from The Bill while giving evidence at the tribunal.

All I ask in return is to be considered untouchable.

rhinds@smh.com.au

    

[Black_White]

BEAUTIFUL!!!!