AFL Wine Selection........ quite amusing

[MAGPIRA]

I got this at work yesterday and thought I'd share it

AFL Fine Wines

Queen Adelaide Crow Chardonnay:
Successful straight off the vine but has aged poorly and lacks character. Popular in South Australia but, where more choice is offered, tends to be overlooked. Not likely to improve much in the near future. Give it to your Auntie!

Lion's Crest Cabernet Savignon:
Despite an unattractive maroon colouring, this strong Queensland variety is flavour of the month after winning a gold medal at the Australian wine festival. A blended wine where the AFL squeezed the last drop of life out of the Fitzroy Cabernet grape variety then mixed with the fruity but otherwise dreadful Carrara Bear Estate Savignon. Scary thing is this wine is not even fully mature yet and could even improve further.

Carlton Blue Lanbrusca:
A fizzy Mediterranean-style that has a sickening taste. Rich and obnoxious, this wine suits those who favour a quick fix or they'll piss off to the soccer. Well aged, the Carlton Blue seems to always turn up at the end of season party even though no one else likes it.

Carringbush Magpie Moselle:
Cheap and nasty, with considerable bitterness. A
disappointing and fruitless wine that for whatever reason still appears very popular with the peasantry. Tends to spend a lot of time in the cellar in the hope that it might improve - but don't hold your breath.

Windy Peak Hill Fruity Lexia:
The kids love it because it tastes like Fanta and all their friends drink it too. Doesn't have a lot of character and is
unlikely ever to mature. A perennial finalist at awards, but we suspect some of the judges have been bought off because it seems more than a little overrated.

Freemantle Hodgepodge Fruit Cider (Purple and Green label):
Not a real wine at all and doesn't look like it ever will be. Management still believes that if you shove an under-ripe banana in with some leftover lemons, grapefruit and an eggplant, and stick it in a Bamix, eventually something tasty might
eventually emerge. It might not too!

Old Geelong Sweet Sherry:
Popular with the oldies and fairly inoffensive, but a poor season at the Corio vineyard has meant a dramatic decline in quality recently. This wine could be appropriate for a Last Supper unlesstheir Messiah comes back real soon.
>
Hawksthorn Riesling:
If you can get past the awful colouring and that it is low alcohol, this is a reasonably satisfying drop that will please the whole family (and your pets too!). Bland and tasteless, this wine has a nutty flavour that appeals to those who belong to the Cardigan-set. Can also be used as a hair bleach.

>Kangaroo Flat Spumante:
Trendy for a little while but doesn't have a lot of
>fans and, after a halting of imports to New South Wales and Canberra, this wine may disappear from shelves altogether. Premium 'Carey' vine is getting old and using imported grapes hasn't been at all successful to date. Always good value but increased costs leave this bargain-basement variety with
nowhere to go.
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Old Melbourne Hermitage:
A classic variety that appears more appropriate to days-gone-by than today. Clashing flavours - fuddy-duddy indifference versus
erratic opportunism - leaves a bad aftertaste for all but the most devoted. Still popular with old tossers, but living only on past glories now.

Port Port: a home grown whine...I mean wine...that has only recently appeared on shelves.
Colourful label belies a vinegar flavour that will win
few fans outside its home state. Fairly cheap and great for drinking out of brown paper bags, expect to see plenty of empty bottles of this in bus shelters from Alberton to Port Augusta.

Richmond Hill Gold and Black label Shiraz:
A bold, high-alcohol variety that appears on shelves with a great fanfare every March, but tends to have completely sold out by September. Inconsistent texture that tantalises but
always fails to deliver, although recent crops appear to have more potential. WARNING: This wine is associated with high rates of alcoholism and violence.

All Saint Claret:
No wine has spent longer in the cellar than this one.
You'd think by now it might have improved, but Nup! Still bloody terrible and not likely to improve given that newly-hired winemaker Thomas's last job was brewing backyard root beer in Warrnambool.

Sydney Swan Views Wooded Chardonnay:
Using recycled grapes appears to have worked reasonably well over the past decade without real success.
Interesting fermentation process that involves flooding ripe grapes with midfielders of questionable disposal skills - this works because they use a half-sized bottle instead of a real one. Take a bottle of this to the theatre!

West Coast House White:
Don't expect this variety to emerge from the cellar for another 10 years. Crappy, imported grapes mixed with past-their-prime
vinegars sums up this rapidly deteriorating vintage wine. In a word -yuck!

Dog breath Grappa:
This bottle of wine is best used for belting someone over
the head with while they are not looking. More a weapon than a wine.

[Sly]

1

S.
The Last Remaining Bad Guy.
The Incandescent One.

The Collingwood Rant.
RANT!
The AFL Ranting Board.
Don’t believe the Facts until you’ve read the Rants!

[Sly]

(Grrrr...I hate that 1-thingy!)

That Wine Guide was actually written by one of RANT's rantists, Tiger Tank, a Tiger Supporter. It's been sitting in our Creative Archives since it was originally posted. Somebody lifted it, though, and it's been doing the uncredited Email Rounds since.


S.
The Last Remaining Bad Guy.
The Incandescent One.

The Collingwood Rant.
RANT!
The AFL Ranting Board.
Don’t believe the Facts until you’ve read the Rants!