Essendon Jokes

[Millane42]

Sorry to those who have seen these already, to those who haven't read the truth......

Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest
> > > stamps?
They had pictures of Essendon players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Essendon
jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered.
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is
colour-coded.
"The fourth one says, "I prefer Essendon fans. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless and their heads and bums are interchangeable."

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total
write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?" "Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Matthew Lloyd". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?" "Well, he tried to escape through the park."

Q. If you see a Essendon fan on a bicycle, why should you never
swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

Q. What do Essendon fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What do you have when 100 Essendon fans are buried up to their
necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
> > > >>>
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Essendon fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
> > > >>>
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
Essendon fan.
> > > >>>You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
> > > >>>A. Shoot the Essendon fan - twice.
> > > >>>
Q. What's the difference between Kevin Sheedy and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
> > > >>>
Q. How many Essendon fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and Kevin Sheedy to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out.
> > > >>>
Q. What's the difference between a female Essendon fan and a pit
bull?
A. Lipstick
> > > >>>
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a Essendon Fan ?
A. A Doberman.
> > > >>>
Q. What do Essendon Fans use for birth control ?
A. Their personalities.
> > > >>>
Q. What is the difference between a Essendon Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
> > > >>>
An Essendon fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Essendon jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St. Kilda scarf. "Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Essendon fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard. No Essendon fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Essendon supporter. "Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
> > > "Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa." "Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?" "Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless. "Hmmm. Anything else?"
> > > Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans.
> > >"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
> > > Here's your sixty bucks back, now piss off."

[junkboy75]

On the return journey from an away match the Essendon team bus crashed killing several players.
On arriving at the Pearly Gates the players were told by St. Peter that they would have to confess their sins before they were allowed into Heaven.
Jason Johnson was the first in the queue and St. Peter asked him "Have you ever touched Kevin Sheedy’s penis?"
Johnson replied "I did once just brush it with the tip of my finger".
"Dip the tip of your finger into the bowl of Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.
Paul Barnard was the next in the queue. "Have you ever touched Kevin Sheedy's penis?" asked St. Peter.
"I did once toss him off" replied Barnard.
"Wash your hand in that Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.
All of a sudden there was a scuffling in the queue and James Hird pushed through to the front ahead of Matthew Lloyd.
"What's going on there?" asked St. Peter.
"Well," said James Hird, "If I'm going to have to stick my tongue in that bowl of Holy Water, I want to get there before Lloyd dunks his arse in it."

James Hird walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Hird "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your girlfriend for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Hird. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

Why do Essendon players take Jam sandwiches to the match
To keep the flies off the supporters

Why did Kevin Sheedy flood Colonial Stadium
So he could bring on his subs

Why are Essendon players always thirsty
They can never have a tea break while the mugs are on the field


"consectatio excellentiae"

[junkboy75]

Have you got what it takes to support Essendon, Richmond or Collingwood? Answer these questions to find out.

I support my team because
a) It’s in the family
b) My friends all supported them
c) I long for Premiership cups, comfy stadiums, lots of media coverage and basically because I love their colours.

Watching my team
a) Has its ups and downs
b) is nothing but downs
c) is great on my new 200-inchTV, with the cable hook up and satellite relays

It's costly supporting my team because
a) our ground’s gone all-seater
b) I keep betting on us at the TAB
c) Merchandise cost a bloody fortune these days

Since the AFL report on safety at football and ground rationalisation
a) The atmosphere has diminished
b) We're still playing crap
c) I've fixed a rope ladder to my bedroom window and bought a seatbelt for my armchair

To see some action in Sept next year
a) I've booked a Club Med holiday to Majorca
b) we need to take a pay cut to get through
c) I'll be subscribing to Foxtel

James Hird
a) is intensely ugly
b) will enjoy himself against our defence for years to come
c) is on lots of posters on my bedroom wall

Football Violence
a) is on the decline
b) is what I feel like at a quarter to five
c) is throwing your pizza box at the TV set.

Essendon is
a) A stinking slum and thank God I don't live there
b) A stinking slum, but it's better than our city
c) A wonderful, beautiful place that I've never been to

A 50 metre penalty is usually given
a) for a trip or a foul
b) So our star full forward has a chance to score
c) When one of our players falls over near the umpire

Your team narrowly misses the finals. Do you
a) Say "Never mind, there's always next year"
b) Smash up some phone boxes and cry your eyes out for the next three months
c) Start supporting your deadliest rivals

Your team wins the premiership. Do you
a) Celebrate for a week or two then look forward to next season
b) Wake up. Of course it was all a dream.
c) Bore the pants off everyone with comparisons of the great Essendon sides of the 80s and 90s.

When I die
a) my ashes will be scattered over our pitch
b) we still won't have won anything
c) nobody will care

Mainly A's - You support Collingwood
Mainly B's - You support Richmond
Mainly C's - We don't want to know!



"consectatio excellentiae"