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pietillidie
Joined: 07 Jan 2005
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Culprit , that's an amazing story. That's great you've had a call and he knows now you weren't aware and he has the support of his wife. It sounds like you're both handling it really positively and maturely.
This is a fabulous thing, particularly given there is considerable chance of it bringing a lot of inner resolution for your lad, having observed others go through the process. Hoping for a special new relationship for you both, even if it takes some time and patience.
It makes me miss my late father even as I write this, not because the situation was the same, but because I needed more time with him.
_________________
In the end the rain comes down, washes clean the streets of a blue sky town.
Help Nick's: http://www.magpies.net/nick/bb/fundraising.htm |
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stui magpie 
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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| Culprit wrote: | | I’m still overseas and my Son that I never knew of has messaged me and we’ve had a video chat. He was angry with me but now totally understands that I never knew. We are going to catch up when I get back and do a step at a time. He’s struggling emotionally but I can say his wife is really supportive. I did get from her, “OMG, you and his mannerisms are so alike”. |
I really find that bolded bit interesting. He had no contact with you growing up, so you had no influence on his mannerisms, so the theory is it's genetic. But there's plenty of kids who may resemble one or both parents but have none of the mannerisms despite growing up with them. Is that a conscious thing from the child to try to not be like their parents or just random shit?
Anyway, good luck with it all. Must be very daunting to suddenly have not just a son but a whole new family part of your life. Christmas this year could be interesting.
_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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Culprit 
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne
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| We caught up today and he's pretty much like my other son but I would say he is just darker in his skin. We had coffee and a chat and we had the awkward convo as what does he call me? I said just call me Dale and let's go from there. We got on really well and we agreed what's in the past is just that, it's all in the past. That's the first step and tomorrow I am visiting his home for lunch and it's meet the family. He's a lot like me, a bull at a gate and it's just let's do it. |
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Culprit
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne
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| pietillidie wrote: | Culprit , that's an amazing story. That's great you've had a call and he knows now you weren't aware and he has the support of his wife. It sounds like you're both handling it really positively and maturely.
This is a fabulous thing, particularly given there is considerable chance of it bringing a lot of inner resolution for your lad, having observed others go through the process. Hoping for a special new relationship for you both, even if it takes some time and patience.
It makes me miss my late father even as I write this, not because the situation was the same, but because I needed more time with him. |
I so wish you did have more time. Emotions run high and my other son moved to the USA and he and his wife cut all ties with the family. I have a grandson I will never see and I refer to her as the Meghan Markle of our family. So I lost one Son and gained another, my emotions are all over the place. |
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stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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^
I can relate to the situation with your first son. His bitch of a girlfriend wanted a dad for her two kids and had zero interest in our family. First he stopped contact with his sister, then gave his son away, then cut me off. I have a granddaughter I'll never meet. But I have my Daughter and my Grandson and he'll be a better man than his father in every way.
_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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think positive 
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere
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Gees Guys I can’t imagine, that would be the worst pain ever for me, it would destroy me, I’m so very sorry and hope that one day, and soon, it’s resolved.
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You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
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pietillidie
Joined: 07 Jan 2005
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^Yeah, that stuff that reaches deep into the soul.
Culprit, let us know how the lunch went.
Stui, you've mentioned bits and pieces over time, but I hadn't realised the extent of that. That's great your daughter and grandson are close.
My late father was the only one who could properly understand me and vice-versa, but he wouldn't get treatment, and his depression and anxiety were so contagious I had to keep some distance. But we both knew that, and were still the first person the other would talk to, even if not as often as we'd have liked.
Hang patient for the long haul. Life has a way of helping people value the things that really matter.
_________________
In the end the rain comes down, washes clean the streets of a blue sky town.
Help Nick's: http://www.magpies.net/nick/bb/fundraising.htm |
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David
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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That is heartbreaking, indeed, Stui – though it’s great that your grandson is in good (and safe) hands. I knew a woman who lived around the corner from us who used to babysit for us from time to time and sadly went through something very similar with her estranged son and grandson (who was best friends with Ingmar in daycare); even though she had custody, her son ended up fleeing to Queensland with the kid and his new partner, and last we talked she still hadn’t seen her grandson in years. Sometimes grandparents can provide what a parent can’t, and your experience is a case in point.
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All watched over by machines of loving grace |
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Culprit
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne
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| stui magpie wrote: | ^
I can relate to the situation with your first son. His bitch of a girlfriend wanted a dad for her two kids and had zero interest in our family. First he stopped contact with his sister, then gave his son away, then cut me off. I have a granddaughter I'll never meet. But I have my Daughter and my Grandson and he'll be a better man than his father in every way. |
Those bitches may be related. |
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Culprit
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne
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| Today's catch-up for lunch was interesting with plenty of things discussed. I was pretty open with what's transpired in my life. The most difficult question was how his Mum and I met and what transpired. Here I am thinking to myself, do I tell him the truth that we both used drugs and that was basically our relationship or do I lie and make shit up. Does he know about his Mums life and if I lie does it screw things up? I changed the subject and after a bit, he asked again. I thought I would just tell it as it was. I started with that I won't lie and then went on with things how I remembered them. We shed some tears and he thanked me for being open and honest. I helped put some of the puzzle together. Lunch was lamb roast and it was awesome. |
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stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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geezus. Sounds like it's a credit to his grandparents that he seems like a well adjusted man. Never knew his Dad (not your fault obviously) and mum died at 6. So many questions. Looks like you both have a second chance. Good luck with it all.
_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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| David wrote: | | That is heartbreaking, indeed, Stui – though it’s great that your grandson is in good (and safe) hands. I knew a woman who lived around the corner from us who used to babysit for us from time to time and sadly went through something very similar with her estranged son and grandson (who was best friends with Ingmar in daycare); even though she had custody, her son ended up fleeing to Queensland with the kid and his new partner, and last we talked she still hadn’t seen her grandson in years. Sometimes grandparents can provide what a parent can’t, and your experience is a case in point. |
It was hard at the time but I've pretty much moved on. I've done what I could for him, he's made his choices, if he wants to be an ungrateful cnut, so be it. Funny enough, he's started coming over to see my Mum, his grandmother, once a month or so while I'm up in Toc, but he couldn't find time when he worked 10 minutes away for 12 months  I think he's just sucking up hoping to get something when she dies, but he's shit out of luck cos I get it all and I'm leaving most of what would have been his share to his son. He can get $%$ed.
It's bloody hard on my daughter, raising someone elses son with no help from the father and with the mother still fighting CSV trying to get him back. She gets frustrated and even a bit resentful at times, I volunteer to take him as often as I can to give them a break, the kid and I get on great, I'm his major male role model now I suppose. Had a chat with her the other week about some behavioural issues and she asked me what her brother was like at the same age (she's 2 years younger than him), I said worse and reeled off a bunch of examples which got her laughing. Also told her when she said she didn't think they were doing a good job because she couldn't see improvement, that she was too close to see it, but I could. The kid has improved heaps. He's settled and happy, just does occasional stupid things that every 6 year old does. Her and her partner are doing a great job, he's a lucky kid. The only thing worse that living with his mother for his future would be to end up in the system. Foster care then Resi care.
_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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pietillidie
Joined: 07 Jan 2005
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Well done, Culprit. As hard as it no doubt was, the truth was the mature and admirable path that gives the relationship the right footing.
Stui, that's great to hear the lad is doing well and has three good people around him. A grounded and balanced role model is absolute gold for kids, and especially boys. From my understanding, it's about the clearest finding in all of child psychology.
Thanks for sharing, both.
_________________
In the end the rain comes down, washes clean the streets of a blue sky town.
Help Nick's: http://www.magpies.net/nick/bb/fundraising.htm |
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Culprit
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne
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| ^^Thank You. We chatted today via phone and we talked about my family who have all passed away except for my Brothers. Now he asked about his Uncles. One I talk to, one I don't, and one that passed away from a drug overdose a long time ago. My oldest Brother I talk to knows, but the 2nd oldest doesn't. Just another bridge to cross. |
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stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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^
How was it meeting his missus and your grandlkids? Did they tell the kids who you are?
_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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