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Dealing with someone you want nothing to do with

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Presti35 Virgo

Dick Lee for Legend Status


Joined: 05 Oct 2001
Location: London, England

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2022 8:48 pm
Post subject: Dealing with someone you want nothing to do withReply with quote

How is it done?

Shortish version is;

This guy was sacked because he groped a 19 year old girl at work. He's pushing 50. He's always been an unpleasant person to be around. Very rude, very obnoxious. He's very forward with woman and would sell his soul just to get half a chance. He'd touch up your wife, your sister, your mum, your daughter and he wouldnt give a fk.

Socially, I never had much to do with him, other than a couple or work functions. However, there were a few times he hitched a ride home, which were both complete nightmares. Approaching strangers on the train in an aggressive manner, trying to chat up women... "Hey love you look nice, where you off to tonight"... just completely embarrassing and unacceptable. He wont wear a seatbelt, he touches people all the time, puts his hands around people.

I'd say he is a compulsive liar and thief. Kind of person that'd pinch $2 off your counter. Always looking for a free drink. Invites himself to other peoples events. And does not take a hint.

My Mrs has said to me previously, she doesn't want him any where near the house. Not in the car and there's no way she wants him near our baby. After she picked me up from a work do, she made me was the car out before I went to bed. He asked her to pull over so he could take a piss.

After he was sacked, everyone's been saying how relieved they are that he's gone. And how much they didnt like him. And everyone has been saying they didnt know how to deal with him and they thought everyone else liked him, when they didnt.

Now he's recently been trying to contact everyone and I have been getting SMS' asking to catch up, a few missed calls, etc. It sounds as though he's a bit desperate and looking to cling on to anyone he can. The problem is, I dont think he is someone you can just ignore and hopes goes away. And he is someone that will be unnecessarily confronting if you say anything he doesn't like. He knows a lot of shady characters, has all our phone numbers and knows addresses and just can not be trusted in anyway.

How can you get rid of someone like this? He doesn't see that he is the problem. He doesn't see that he's in the wrong. He sees a woman and thinks fair game.

I've got enough to worry about, without this guy just turning up to my house, calling me when he's pissed, just thinking we're close mates and can show up whenever he likes.

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David Libra

I dare you to try


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2022 9:02 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess the nuclear option is blocking his number, followed by a restraining order if he's actually turning up at your house unwanted or finding ways to contact you. But, unless your physical safety is at risk, my ethical preference has always been to talk to people first before going down that path – which is to say, expressing as honestly and straightforwardly as possible that you find their behaviour unacceptable, that you no longer want to be friends with them and that you would prefer if they don't contact you any more. A text message like that is perfectly sufficient.

That's obviously a hard conversation to have – none of us like hurting people's feelings or risking confrontation, particularly when it seems like the other person has no idea that what they're doing is wrong. But in this case you really have nothing to feel guilty about; in fact, you're genuinely doing him a favour by taking the time to explain to him the effect his actions are having on others. And if he doesn't get it or he takes it badly, then the only option may be to block his number, call the cops, etc.

Have the police been notified about what he did to your co-worker, by the way? I don't know exactly what you mean by "groping", but given everything you've described it kind of sounds like he should be on a registry, tbh. Not your problem, of course, but they probably should have reported it.

I might be wrong, but I also get a hint from your post that you feel a bit sorry for him, which I think would be pretty understandable. I've definitely been in situations where I tried to help and support troubled people because I could see that nobody else would, and I have nothing but admiration for those who are able to do that for people like this. But there is absolutely no obligation for anyone to take on that role – it's not like you have an established friendship or connection of any kind, really – and it sounds like you really don't want to in any case. So if you do want to do something to help him, besides what I wrote above, I think it might be worth recommending some anonymous voluntary behavioural change programs like this one: https://ntv.org.au/get-help/

It's quite possible he won't want a bar of it, but something like that might just help him to do some introspection and turn things around. It could be worth a try, anyway.

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Presti35 Virgo

Dick Lee for Legend Status


Joined: 05 Oct 2001
Location: London, England

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2022 9:32 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your reply David.

I just feel like he wont accept any kind of message suggesting we dont want him around. He's a complete nightmare.

I'm not overly worried about hurting his feelings, I just dont want him in my life and I dont want him to think we are friends in any kind of way.

The girl didnt want to take things further. It was investigated, and he was removed. I'm not sure if the police were involved. It was kind of like... he's gone now, move along. But yes he full on grabbed her breast more than once and he touched her bottom and would touch her hair a lot. Of course no one really knew about this until after he was gone. It all happened when no one else was around, but the cameras caught him.

I almost felt sorry for him. But he has done this to himself. The way he acts around women is absolutely unacceptable. I saw him in the lunch room eyeballing a teenage girl. The receptionist saw him too and pulled him up on it. Basically she was bent over putting something into the fridge and he said how much he'd love to. So, I almost felt sorry for him, because I can see he is desperate for friends, etc. But no. He is an animal. A complete prick that would take advantage of anyone. It's a very sad case. I dont wish him harm. I dont wish him anything bad. I just dont want him around.

There's a bit more to it all, but yeah, it's just a real worry that he's trying to re-connect with myself and a few others.

I'd love for him to look at himself and say what he has done is wrong and he needs to be better.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2022 9:42 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

My first preference would be to ignore him, but if that doesn't work,, simply respond to a test with "we aren't friends, don't contact me again" then block his number.

If he shows up at your house unannounced, It's f off or I call the Police.

Your job is to protect you and your family, you have no obligation to educate idiots.

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David Libra

I dare you to try


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2022 10:00 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Fair enough – I see why you just want to cut him off by any means possible.

I agree with Stui's post above, except I probably wouldn't advise ignoring him, just because it sounds like he's the kind of guy who won't take the hint. I'd be leaning more towards getting on the front foot and texting him back the very next time he tries to contact you, and then immediately blocking him. The message can be as kind or as brusque as feels appropriate to you (I can understand not wanting to provoke him further, if you're at all worried about reprisals, but you also probably don't want to get into any kind of back-and-forth). Hopefully that'll do the trick, anyway.

It is a worry to think that a guy like that is just going to keep on moving through life doing the same stuff to women with impunity. Totally understand why the girl didn't want to press charges, though; the court system sounds like a nightmare ordeal to go through.

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lazzadesilva Virgo



Joined: 04 Feb 2003


PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2022 12:49 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

It’s a situation where you need to man up and simply assert yourself in a honest but firm manner. Need to look him in the eye and tell him that you don’t wish to deal with him anymore. You might be surprised by his reaction to your assertiveness. If he reacts badly, you walk away without comment. If he gets violent you call the police. Sounds good in theory see how that works!
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Skids Cancer

Quitting drinking will be one of the best choices you make in your life.


Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 . Member #175

PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2022 8:02 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with Lazza. While it can be a bit difficult, I've found it to be effective.

Had a similar situation years ago when I bumped into an old school mate. Hadn't seen him for 20 years, did a concreting job for me and just latched on. Dropping around frequently uninvited, swearing and acting the clown around my (at the time) young daughters.

I let it slide for a while but finally pulled him up.
You just need to know exactly what you're going to say and be assertive. I guess it does take some confidence, but I believe it works.
That's the problem, nobody stands up to these jokers and they think it's accepted.

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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2022 10:27 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

lazzadesilva wrote:
It’s a situation where you need to man up and simply assert yourself in a honest but firm manner. Need to look him in the eye and tell him that you don’t wish to deal with him anymore. You might be surprised by his reaction to your assertiveness. If he reacts badly, you walk away without comment. If he gets violent you call the police. Sounds good in theory see how that works!


This

If he knows all the above and knows you know it just say your values don’t align, and you don’t have any interest in becoming friends. This tells him you don’t consider him a friend. If he gets aggressive tell him you just proved my point, please step away or I’ll take it further and pull out your phone. Then walk away but always be aware of where the person is. Pricks like that are usually gutless when confronted, don’t get hit from behind.

If you don’t live close and he doesn’t push it I’d probably try the ignore thing first though, I’m not a fan of confrontation. But I stand up for myself and my kids when I have to and I don’t back down.

You would be surprised how many guys fit that description, I could name a dozen in my life at some point who seem to think that behaviour is acceptable. It’s not never is.

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Presti35 Virgo

Dick Lee for Legend Status


Joined: 05 Oct 2001
Location: London, England

PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2022 11:56 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks to those who replied.

I'm going to just ignore it first and see what happens. If it keeps on persisting, then I'll send a clear message.

Sounds like there's a few others that he's trying to re-connect with too.

Oddly enough a few cars have been damaged at the workplace in the last few days.

I'll keep you posted with what happens.

(Its a place I only work casually, so i'm not there all that often).

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LaurieHolden Aquarius

Floreat Gymnorhina tyrannica


Joined: 22 Feb 2009
Location: Victoria Park

PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2022 8:53 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

How goes the annexing, has he tried to make contact / any updates?
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lazzadesilva Virgo



Joined: 04 Feb 2003


PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2022 9:00 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

LaurieHolden wrote:
How goes the annexing, has he tried to make contact / any updates?


I wish to add my interest to the progress of this issue as well.

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2022 7:16 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Ditto!
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What'sinaname Libra



Joined: 29 May 2010
Location: Living rent free

PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2022 2:26 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's the trick

Invite the guy over, have a few drinks, then hit on him. One grab to the scote and problem solved

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2022 2:28 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

What if he's up for it?
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What'sinaname Libra



Joined: 29 May 2010
Location: Living rent free

PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2022 2:32 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^ I don't see a problem.
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