What made me laugh today... Pt 2

[stui magpie]

^

Like that.

Remake of an oldie: You can easily figure out what word(s) are censored.

This is so funny I was crying
DIARY OF A POM IN MILDURA
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Mildura, Victoria, Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskas and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant $�$%^%%$ blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from $�$%^%%$ Melbourne .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the $�$%^%%$ air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the $�$%^%%$ air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
$�$%^%%$ thief.
November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to $�$%^%%$ throttle him.
$�$%^%%$ heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my $�$%^%%$ clothes are soaking $�$%^%%$ wet and I smell like baked cat.
$�$%^%%$ place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my $�$%^%%$ arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my $�$%^%%$ arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
****. ****. ****.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a $�$%^%%$ recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and $�$%^%%$ sunny.
It never $�$%^%%$ changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 $�$%^%%$ months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
****!
November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn $�$%^%%$ place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the $�$%^%%$ pool.
The only things that thrive in this $�$%^%%$ hell-hole are the $�$%^%%$ flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 (*&^%^&' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the $�$%^%%$ car up his $�$%^%%$ arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
$�$%^%%$ Mildura!!
What kind of sick, demented $�$%^%%$ idiot would want to live here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are $�$%^%%$ kidding me!

[David]

We had a couchsurfer – a 19-year-old girl from Germany – stay with us a couple of years back who’d just done a stint in Mildura as an au pair for six months. Pretty sure you get lighter sentences for most serious crimes…

[eddiesmith]

So, so $�$%^%%$ true that post by Stui!!!

I couldn't imagine being in Mildura, I'm already over 'Summer'

[stui magpie]

Hey, I grew up in the same environment as Mildura, someone elses hell is my version of heaven.

[Lazza]

In my stupid younger days when intelligent thinking wasn’t cool or tapped into, I used to regularly play at a cricket carnival in Mildura called Willowfest which was usually 5 games between Dec 27 and Dec 31st. Generally loved the road trip with some extremely talented Bendigo cricketers but it was for only mad dogs and Englishmen! Once we played in 48 degrees and it was just crazy stuff. I was so stuffed after making 30 odd as an opener that I purposely got myself out and sat in an air conditioned car for the rest of the innings! Always love Mildura, especially the wineries, but not in summer🥵🔥

[stui magpie]

Apparently Joe Biden let one rip when he met Camilla at the climate summit.

https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/royals/camilla-parker-bowles-cant-stop-talking-about-joe-bidens-long-fart/news-story/5ae2684af37e2924b7b9af39ec15d593

[David]

Reported to the Daily Mail so take it with a grain of salt, but I so hope that is true.

[stui magpie]

Pauline Hanson, series of animated videos explaining politics with her as the school teacher and all the key Pollies in class. It absolutely skewers all of them.



No matter what side of politics you are, there's something here to get a giggle from.

No 1. School's in session. https://www.facebook.com/PaulineHansonAu/videos/4590892154293967

No 2. Explaining preferences https://www.facebook.com/PaulineHansonAu/videos/4479498798808938

No 3. Donations https://www.facebook.com/PaulineHansonAu/videos/935474910740263

No 4. Taxes https://www.facebook.com/PaulineHansonAu/videos/582374172870806

[David]

[stui magpie]

Of course it doesn't skewer her, but you have to admit the caricatures of most of the others is very good.

[Dark Beanie]

Echidna on the track at Bathurst, safety car had to come out until it was safely off.
Lucky for the echidna drivers were very skilled and able to swerve around it.

[stui magpie]

shades of dick Johnson and Skippy.

[think positive]

[David]

The notorious Prince Andrew interview … slightly edited:

https://youtu.be/J2FzDTRo8lA

[Jezza]