Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

I saw this on Facebook.

A father passing by his son's bedroom
Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

[stui magpie]

An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks "why no sperm sample". He says "sorry, I tried with my right hand then my left then my wife tried with both hands and then her mouth, at first with her teeth in and then without. Then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can't get the fookin jar open!..

[think positive]

hahahahahaha! got me!!!

[stui magpie]

Cleaning up the spare room, going through old work crap from 20 years ago, found this one. Just suspend reality for a bit.

A man on a plane wanted to use the Mens toilet but every time he went, there was someone else using it. After a while a flight attendant noticed his predicament and suggested he use the Ladies toilet, but advised him not to touch the buttons on the wall.

He went in, sat down and looking around saw a panel labelled Comfort Panel with 4 buttons on it. The buttons were marked WW, WA, PP and ATR/

After he finished, before getting up his curiosity got the better of him, so he pressed the WW button. Warm Water washed his bum. He thought this was a marvelous idea so he pressed WA ad Warm Air gushed out and dried his bum. Enjoying the experience he pressed PP, out came a powder puff and powdered his bum.

Thinking to himself that the Ladies really had it made, he pressed the ATR button and instantly screamed and passed out.

When he woke later in hospital he asked the nurse what happened. She said "You pushed the ATR button, which is Automatic Tampon Removal, your penis is under your pillow and your balls are in a jar on the bedside table."

[think positive]

Ewww hehehe

[LaurieHolden]

Norm Macdonald, one of the greatest joke tellers of all, enjoy ~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jotHFUqLFo8

[LaurieHolden]

Norm Macdonald - Swedish German Joke
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv67QgVSqkk

[stui magpie]

I like his delivery and how he basically makes it up as he's going along.

I did laugh at the second one.

[David]

This is one of my favourite bits of his:

https://youtu.be/jAzRb_lErFw

[LaurieHolden]

We might have lost Norm MacDonald, but we still have Bill Burr.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPxoLXb6Fl0

[think positive]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a * Honk if you love Jesus * bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..👍
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed , the rest of my day was so memorable.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It was now green !
It is a good thing someone else loves *Jesus *because if he hadn't honked, I never would have noticed.
I truly realized that lots of people love ❤️ Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, I was thinking wow ! and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, '
For the love of .. God !
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for ❤️Jesus!
Everyone started honking! God Bless them !
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all of those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the all that love! It was amazing.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. ? I’m sure that’s what he said.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why ? Maybe he was also enjoying this religious experience!! Made me proud .
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad 😞 that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord ! for such wonderful folks!!
It made my Day !!
I Will write again soon,
Love ❤️ xo Grandma 😊

[stui magpie]

Very Good

[What'sinaname]

Do robots have brothers?

No, just transistors.

[think positive]

Hehehehe

[LaurieHolden]

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.