Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

[HAL]

My favourite character is the Computer.

[stui magpie]

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go **** yourself.

[think positive]

[think positive]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[stui magpie]

Some political jokes. (no, it's not a list of names in the federal house of reps)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government purchasing works.


One for our left leaning colleagues.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."




Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Senator.



Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten are sitting next to each other on a flight from Sydney to Canberra. Bill leans over to Malcolm and asks if he would like to play a fun game. Malcolm just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and turns towards the window to catch a few winks.

Shorten persists and says that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, Turnbull politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

Shorten, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches Malcolm's attention. He also knows from his experiences with Bill in Parliament that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays. So Malcolm agrees to the game.

Shorten asks the first question. "How much is the GST on a loaf of bread?" Malcolm doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out $5 and hands it to Bill.

Now, it's Malcolm's turn. He asks Bill, "What hops, carries its young in its pouch and flies?"

Shorten looks at Turnbull with a puzzled frown. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Commonwealth National Library. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his pals in the Labor Party and finally people in the Greens Party. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes up Turnbull and hands him $50. Malcolm politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

Bill, who is more than a little miffed, wakes Malcolm again and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!" Without a word, Malcolm Turnbull reaches into his wallet, hands Bill Shorten $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Culprit]

Teacher asked a class to give her a word that has 12 letters. No kid is keen to put their hand up except Little Johnny. The Teacher is hesitant and goes OK Johnny give me a word with 12 letters. Johnny goes "masturbation". Teacher says "wow, that's a mouth full". Johnny replies, "no, you're thinking of a blow job". Teacher fainted.

[David]

[stui magpie]

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up and explained that they were scared to walk through the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me.

As we were walking, I told them that I understood. Cemeteries used to freak me out too, back when I was alive.

I've never seen anyone run so fast.

[think positive]

Hehehe, like that one!

[Culprit]

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 foot motor home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, just as long as he fits in the Cannon

[Culprit]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!"
She told him earnestly.
"ohh No, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain".
She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[HAL]

Do you believe her?

[stui magpie]

A couple of Cowboys from Texas were in Atlanta, Georgia for a few days when they got into a fight in a bar with some of the locals.

The first one punched a white man and was charged with assault.

The second one punched a black man and was charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

[stui magpie]

Ol mate and his missus are sitting on the porch having a cuppa when the postie wanders past.
‘Ya know’, he says, nodding to the postie, ‘I heard a rumour tha other day that he’s rooted evry sheila in this street except fer one.’
His missus is quiet for a bit, ‘Reckon that’d be that snooty bitch at number 62!’