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David Libra

Speak about destruction


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: in a time zone

PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 11:14 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Ape - Russell Edson

You havenít finished your ape, said mother to father, who had monkey hair and blood on his whiskers.

Iíve had enough monkey, cried father.

You didnít eat the hands, and I went to all the trouble to make onion rings for its fingers, said mother.

Iíll just nibble on its forehead, and then Iíve had enough, said father.

I stuffed its nose with garlic, just like you like it, said mother.

Why donít you have the butcher cut these apes up? You lay the whole thing on the table every night; the same fractured skull, the same singed fur; like someone who died horribly. These arenít dinners, these are postmortem dissections.

Try a piece of its gum, Iíve stuffed its mouth with bread, said mother.

Ugh, it looks like a mouth full of vomit. How can I bite into its cheek with bread spilling out of its mouth? cried father.

Break one of the ears off, theyíre so crispy, said mother.

I wish to hell youíd put underpants on these apes; even a jockstrap, screamed father.

Father, how dare you insinuate that I see the ape as anything more than simple meat, screamed mother.

Well, whatís with this ribbon tied in a bow on its privates? screamed father.

Are you saying that I am in love with this vicious creature? That I would submit my female opening to this brute? That after we had love on the kitchen floor I would put him in the oven, after breaking his head with a frying pan; and then serve him to my husband, that my husband might eat the evidence of my infidelity Ö ?

I'm just saying that I'm damn sick of ape every night,
cried father.

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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 7:11 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

A man sees his wife watching a cooking show. He asks her "Why are you watching that? You can't cook!" She replies "Well you watch porn."
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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:02 pm
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LOL, I'm guessing they're english ones. Love the one about Bradford. Laughing
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Tannin Capricorn

Can't remember


Joined: 06 Aug 2006
Location: Huon Valley Tasmania

PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:12 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
A man sees his wife watching a cooking show. He asks her "Why are you watching that? You can't cook!" She replies "Well you watch porn."


Beautiful. Just beautiful.

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ÔŅĹLet's eat Grandma.ÔŅĹ Commas save lives!
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BJ Aquarius

Harry C - The champion of the Harrys


Joined: 09 Oct 2001
Location: All around the place

PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:25 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't show up.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."

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Kingswood 

//


Joined: 05 May 2007


PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:58 am
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my wife came up to me and said, take off my shirt


So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:59 am
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haha!!
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David Libra

Speak about destruction


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: in a time zone

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 11:10 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

stui magpie wrote:
LOL, I'm guessing they're english ones. Love the one about Bradford. Laughing


The mods clearly didn't! Razz

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:31 pm
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David wrote:
stui magpie wrote:
LOL, I'm guessing they're english ones. Love the one about Bradford. Laughing


The mods clearly didn't! Razz


you got that right!! Embarassed

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Mountains Magpie 



Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Location: Somewhere between now and then

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:39 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Five pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but somehow itís more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes-Benz than it is on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastardís name.


3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because itís illegal to shoot them.


5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:42 pm
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Milk is a good drink for children.
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:50 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Mountains Magpie wrote:
Five pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but somehow itís more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes-Benz than it is on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastardís name.


3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because itís illegal to shoot them.


5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.


all good t shirt slogans!! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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Member 7167 Leo

"What Good Fortune For Governments That The People Do Not Think" - Adolf Hitler.


Joined: 18 Dec 2008
Location: The Collibran Hideout

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:51 pm
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Hal - Why don't you poor a little milk in with your transistors and diodes and see if you are lactose intolerant.
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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:55 pm
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Sorry you've lost me, we were talking about itís illegal to shoot them are alive .
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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 5:38 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

A truckie pulls up at a brothel and walks inside. He puts down $500 on the counter and says to the madam,

"I'd like the ugliest old slapper you have, and a stale cheese sandwich please"

The Madam looks at him aghast. "For that kind of money", she says, " you can have my finest girl and I can get a gourmet meal delivered in for afters"

"You don't understand", said the truckie, "I'm not Horny or Hungry, I'm homesick".

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