Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Magpietothemax]

[Culprit]

A man walks into the Library and asks the Librarian, "Do you have the book about men with small penises". She starts typing into her computer and looks at him and says, "I don't think it's in yet". He responds, "Yeah that's the one".

I went to the pool today and decided to pee at the deep end. Fck me, the lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

Dad came home one day and said to me, “If you keep masturbating you’ll go blind”. I said, “Dad, I’m over here”.

My Daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo. I replied He was a Poor Boy from a Poor Family.

What's the difference between a Priest and Woody from Toy Story? Woody goes limp when a child walks into the room.

[think positive]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse!

[Culprit]

^^Ha ha

[stui magpie]

@TP, LOL.

[Culprit]

I let my blind mate borrow some money from me yesterday. He said he’d pay me back the next time he saw me. Wait a minute.

I asked my trainer at the Gym, "Which machine should I use to impress beautiful women?", He pointed outside and said, "The ATM".

I rear-ended a car this morning and that was the start of a really bad day. The driver of the other car got out and he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy". So I said, well which one are you then?". That's how the fight started.

Sorry, I haven't been to work this week as I overheard the next-door neighbours arguing. Apparently, he cheated on his wife and said she was going to screw all the neighbours to shame him. I am just waiting for my turn.

I’m not saying I’m overeating but I’m starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

My Mrs texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, "Does this make my arse look big?" I texted back "NOO!" My phone autocorrected my response to "MOO!" Please send help!

[David]

Found in the wild (i.e. on Facebook):

Daffy Duck called the hotel desk and asked for a condom. The hotel innkeeper replied, “Shall I put this on your bill?” Daffy shouted, “Are you thucking thupid?!! I’ll thuffocate!!”

[Culprit]

^^ I laughed.

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on today and I asked him and sat him down and said, "What would you like to talk about?" He responded, "Who the hell knows I've never gotten this far before".

[stui magpie]

A shy bloke walks into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. After a couple of glasses of liquid courage, he finally approaches her and says, tentatively, "Umm, would you mind if I sat and chatted with you for a bit?"

She turned to him and yelled at the top of her voice "NO, I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU"

Everyone in the bar was now staring at him. Naturally the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises, explaining that she's a psychology student and she's researching how people respond to embarrassing situations.

The man looked at her and yelled at the top of his voice "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $800? "

[think positive]

hehehe!!! love it

[Culprit]

I’m never going to be asked to go and sing at the psychiatric hospital again. In hindsight singing, “Do you hear what I hear” wasn’t a great idea.

I just said to the Mrs, "You are right". She replied, "I haven't said anything yet". I responded, "I am just getting in early".

[stui magpie]

Billy's Fruity Friday, courtesy of Cam Bancroft.

3 Nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the Pearly gates to be met by St Peter.

He tells them that to get in, they just need to correctly answer one question.

He turns to the first Nun and asks, "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

The Nun replies instantly, "Eve"

Correct, you may enter

Then he turns to the second Nun. " Where did Eve live?"

The Nun thinks for a couple of seconds and then says "The Garden of Eden"

Correct, you may enter.

Then he turns to the 3rd Nun and says, "This one is a little more difficult. What were the first words Eve said to Adam"

The 3rd Nun looks lost and says "That's a hard one"

Correct, you may enter.

[stui magpie]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” As time went by, the hours flew and the margaritas disappeared far too quickly. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Culprit]

Today I filled my fuel tank and it only cost me $25. Admittedly it was the lawnmower but I’m trying to remain positive.

I told the Mrs that her underwear is too tight and revealing. She told me to wear my own.

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs. It’s a step-by-step guide.

I ran into an old schoolmate and we chatted about life and he showed me a pic of his wife and said, "Isn't she gorgeous?". I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my sister". He responded, "Why, is she a stunner?". I said, "No she's an optometrist".

[Culprit]

A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving the bar together. They get back to his place and he shows her around, she notices one wall of one of his bedrooms is filled with soft, sweet cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddy, teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall. It was obvious he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of he had put into organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the middle shelf and huge enormous bears running on the top shelf. She finds it strange for a masculine guy to have such a large teddy bear collection but doesn't mention this to him and is attracted to his sensitive side. She thinks OMG, this could be the one, the future father of her children. She turns to him and she kisses him lightly on the lips, he responds passionately. They rip each other's clothing off and make mad passionate love and she can't believe how good it is. After a few times, they are lying in bed exhausted enjoying the afterglow and she kisses him and asks coyly, "How was it?" He kisses he back and looks deeply into her eyes, "Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf".