Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Buttsy-Bells]

Hear about the (I'm a dinosaur) donkey ?

Had three hees before he had a haw..

[stui magpie]

RIP Steve Jobs. He changed the technology world for the better. Asian sweat shops were a shambles before he came along.

Sincere condolences to Steve's family, in particular to his 2 sisters, Blow and Hand.

When Steve first started feeling sick, he went to see a Doctor. When the Doctor asked him to describe the symptoms Steve said he just felt really ill and if he didn't know better he'd think he had a virus.

Unfortunately they can't just restore Steve Jobs in iTunes.

It's a pity Steve won't be going to heaven, he can't get past the Gates.

OK, that's enough with the Steve Jobs jokes, they're just not PC.

[Bucks5]

[Bucks5]

[Big T]

Today's word is

Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.


I was in my bank today; there was a short queue; just one lady in front of me; an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated


She asked the clerk, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."



The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[Buttsy-Bells]

Why does it take a woman with PMT three and a half hours to cook a chicken ?

It just fu#*ing does, allright ???

[Kingswood]

[Kingswood]

congrats to amy winehouse , 4 months sober.

[Member 7167]

WHERE I HAVE AND HAVE NOT BEEN
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


But one place I don't ever want to be is in Continent

[think positive]

clever!

[5150]

I used to love the days before all of this terrorist crap where you saw an unattended bag on the bus, train or at the airport and thought to yourself "I'm gunna take that"...

[5150]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centres..
In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school because they had a reputation for getting excellent results. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't f#@king around.'

[stui magpie]

Got this one in an email today.


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[3.14159]

We have a similar store for women here in Clunes,
It has everything a woman could possibly want, but it only has 2 floors.
The first sells alll the best designer shoes from around the world.
No woman has ever visited the second floor.

[Proud Pies]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!


Eddie? Pants? is that you?