Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[LaurieHolden]

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"

[What'sinaname]

Someone just called my 9 year old son gay on Fortnite. He responded, I'm straighter than the pole your mum dances on.

I'm not intervening.

[stui magpie]

^

Very good comeback.

Laurie, I think you need a Bex and a lie down, those are absolute groaners

[stui magpie]

Peter had been in Sydney doing Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys fifty hectares of land in The Northern Territory as far away from humanity as possible...
He sees the postman and gets groceries once a month... Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty kms up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."
"Great", says Peter, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you...!"
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."
"Not a problem," says Peter. "After twenty five years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex too."
"Now that's really not a problem!" says Peter, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

[think positive]

Hehehe

Sign me up!

[stui magpie]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"  The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. 
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."  "But I didn't use them."  'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."  "But I didn't go to any of those shows.."  "Well, we have them, and you could have."  No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.  After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"  "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."  "But I didn't!"  "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have".

[LaurieHolden]

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right?
You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing.
I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.

– Bill Burr

[stui magpie]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.
'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact,
since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind
since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I
could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches,
and you have soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'
'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management or even a politician or lawyer

[stui magpie]

Q. What's the wrinkliest thing on your Grandmother?
A. Your Grandfather.

[stui magpie]

A Priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walked into a bar.

The barman asked what they wanted to drink.

The Priest ordered a red wine

The Minister ordered a white wine

The Rabbit said "I have no idea, I'm only here because of autocorrect"

[stui magpie]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

[stui magpie]

Watching the news tonight, someone broke into the Carlton Merchandise shop over night by smashing a window.

Police have reported that approximately $2,000 worth of merchandise was returned.

[stui magpie]

Billy's daily groaner, slightly remixed

So I picked up this Irish girl last week and we ended up in bed together.

She reached down below the sheets and said, "jesus, you've got the biggest dick I've ever felt"

I said to her, "Darl, you're pulling my leg"

[stui magpie]

Billy's daily groaner

Maria was a good Catholic girl, married young and had 15 children in quick succession. When he husband died, she remarried and had another 15 children, then her 2nd husband died and she dies shortly afterwards.

At her funeral, the priest started off the ceremony by saying, "Finally, they're together"

Maria's sister stood up and asked the priest if he meant her first or second husband.

He replied "Her legs"

[think positive]

Hehehe love it!