Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[think positive]

Hehehe

[stui magpie]

This one isn't from Bill but still qualifies as a groaner.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...





'Mixin-me-toasties'

[Dark Beanie]

Hahaha

[think positive]

hehehe!!!

[stui magpie]

Billy's daily Groaner

I told my wife she needed to embrace her mistakes.




She gave me a hug.

[David]

That's kind of romantic, in a way!

[think positive]

Hehehehe, too true!

[stui magpie]

Not a joke as such, but Aussie nicknames for workmates.

Wicket keeper - puts on gloves and stands back

Harvey Norman - 3 years, no interest

Sensor light - only works if someone walks past

Noodles - Thinks all jobs take 2 minutes

Blister - appears after the hard work is done

Showbag - full of Sh1t

Lantern - not very bright and has to be carried

Deckchair - always folds under pressure

Perth - 3 hours behind everyone else

G-spot - you can never find him

Bushranger - holds everyone up

Wheelbarrow - only works when he's pushed

Cordless - charges all night but only works for 2 hours

Limo - carries about 8 people

[think positive]

/\hehehe!!!


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
👒☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️👒
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
Lo'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy
'That little skinny O'Connor?,' says Sean, 'How could he do that to you? He must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself ta same. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Connor's b.... And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
👒☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️👒
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I had gone deaf.
👒☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️👒
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after hisSunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that gun....'
👒☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️👒
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . ..
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knocki' , there's no paper on this side either.☘️☘️

[stui magpie]

All good, the first one was best.

[stui magpie]

Billy's daily groaner.

I had a night out on the weekend, a few drinks turned into a few more and I thought, I'm too drunk to drive the care so I left the car and took a bus.

Turns out I can't drive a bus when I'm drunk either.

[stui magpie]

Billy's daily groaner.

I've been feeling down about going bald so I decided to buy a wig.

It was a small price to pay (toupee)

[stui magpie]

A local farmer owned a small farm in Tocumwal The AWU claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $990 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $890 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Johnny Walker Whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the fella I want to talk to ... the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[stui magpie]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them, which one?'

The hostess thought a moment and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

[stui magpie]

Pinched from Facebook, a twist on an old fav, could have easily fitted in the election thread.

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.
24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,



'Yesterday we were campaigning -
Today you voted’.