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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2021 6:08 pm
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Sorry about that, won't happen again. Wink Razz
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2021 7:20 pm
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We just found out my Grandad is addicted to Viagra

My Grandma is taking it really hard

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Fri Jul 23, 2021 3:33 pm
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If things really turn bad and we have to resort to cannibalism, remember to eat the vegans first.

They're the closest thing to grass fed.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2021 6:40 pm
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So I was sitting at a bar recently when a gorgeous young woman came up, sat down and started chatting to me.

While we were chatting, the bartender came up and said to the young woman, "Hey, I'm sorry but we don't allow Sex Workers to solicit customers in here"

As the gorgeous young woman left, I turned to the bartender and said "How the hell could you know she was a sex worker?"

He replied, "Well, she was talking to you"


Shocked Confused Sad

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ronrat 



Joined: 22 May 2006
Location: Thailand

PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2021 7:15 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
So I was sitting at a bar recently when a gorgeous young woman came up, sat down and started chatting to me.

While we were chatting, the bartender came up and said to the young woman, "Hey, I'm sorry but we don't allow Sex Workers to solicit customers in here"

As the gorgeous young woman left, I turned to the bartender and said "How the hell could you know she was a sex worker?"

He replied, "Well, she was talking to you"


Shocked Confused Sad


Not in Thailand

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2021 8:12 pm
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Which part, the sexworker coming up or the barman chasing them away? Wink
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2021 9:21 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
So I was sitting at a bar recently when a gorgeous young woman came up, sat down and started chatting to me.

While we were chatting, the bartender came up and said to the young woman, "Hey, I'm sorry but we don't allow Sex Workers to solicit customers in here"

As the gorgeous young woman left, I turned to the bartender and said "How the hell could you know she was a sex worker?"

He replied, "Well, she was talking to you"


Shocked Confused Sad


sorry Stu i laughed way to hard at that one!!

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2021 10:01 pm
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^

That was the general plan, Wink

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eddiesmith Taurus

Lets get ready to Rumble


Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Location: Lexus Centre

PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2021 8:36 pm
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Saw this one on Facebook.

An Irish man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.

The Undertaker said "It will cost £5,000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here"

The husband tells him to ship her home.

The Undertaker said "But Sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"

The husband says "Listen here pal, a long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead - she's going $$%^%%$ home!"
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:23 pm
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said.
“You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2021 8:46 pm
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hehehe!
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2021 5:34 pm
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Warning-Rant.

For Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2021 5:39 pm
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A brunette girl goes to see a doctor.
The doctor asks "what's the problem?"
The brunette says "I am not sure doctor but my whole body aches. Every part of my body that I touch results in pain"
The doctor says "That's interesting. Can you touch your nose for me"
The brunette touches her nose and then screams out in agony.
The doctor says "Can you now touch your knee"
The brunette touches her knee and lets out a huge shriek.
The doctor then says "ok finally can you touch your stomach"
The brunette touches her stomach and cries out in huge pain.
The doctor looks at the woman and says "Your not naturally a brunette are you. Your really a blonde right?"
The girl says "Yes, how did you know?"
The doctor says "Because you have got a broken finger"

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2021 6:00 pm
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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."



Young couple get married many years ago.
The wedding night, the groom is very timid.

"I've not done this before, what do I do?" He said nervously.
"No worries, just give me $20 and leave it all to me" she replies confidently.

Well over many years, each time he hands her the cash, before the business, because no money no honey.

Many years later, the old couple are driving.
The old groom says "I'm a bit worried about our impending retirement."
"Don't worry honey, we have plenty.... let me show you" the old lady says.

She takes him on the drive and shows him a block of flats, a few apartments and a factory.

"They're all ours, we have all this rental income coming in now" she squeals in delight.
"But how, what, why, how did this all happen, I thought we used all our salary to ensure our mortgage was fully paid off?"

"Honey, honey, all these years, every time you got amorous, every time you'd give me $20, and then the price went up it became $50, then $100, every time I'd put it aside and buy property."

The husband gasped in shock
"Oh dear me, if I only knew.... that you were so good with money, I'd have given you all my business."

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2021 7:34 pm
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks… ‘No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where's my toast?'

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