Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[watt price tully]

My 18 yr old daughter told me this one the other day:

Ivan Milat & a backpacker are walking through the Belanglo forest. The forest is all quiet, a mist descends, becomes quite eerie as they walk through.

The backpacker says:

I'm getting a bit scared out here:

Milat replies:

You're scared, I have to walk out on my own!

[Buttsy-Bells]

Teacher addressing her students about the final exam tomorrow morning.

"It is absolutely essential you sit the exam. No excuses will be tolerated. Maybe a nuclear attack, tsunami, death in the family, thats it"

One smart-arse teenager said "What if I'm suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion ?"

When silence was restored, the teach said sweetly "Then I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand"

[stui magpie]

A bit non-pc but it's dressed as a stereotype.............

A conservatively dressed gentleman in the American mid west walks into a bar and asks the barman what the strongest liquor he has is.

The barman grabs a bottle of green liquid and the man asks for 2 shots.

The barman looks at him and says "Are you sure? that's pretty strong stuff"
The man replies "Look, I've just had a hell of a shock. My eldest son just told me he's gay"

The barman pours the shots, the man knocks them down and walks out.

A few days later the man comes back into the bar ans without any preamble says to the barman "Gimme 4 shots of that green stuff".

The barman says "look, I really shouldn't do that, it's really strong stuff"

"Please", says the man, "I've just found out my second son is gay too."

The barman pours the 4 shots with no further comment, the man skulls them and walks out.

The next day the man walks back into the bar. The barman looks at him coming and thinks to himself WTF and reaches for the green bottle.

The man walks up and says, "gimme 8 shots. Now"

The barman looks at the man and says "Geezus, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?"

The man looks up and replies "Yep. My Wife"

[5150]

He said / She said...


He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear pants don't you?


He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart


He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said...They don't have time.


He said... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said... I don't know; it has never happened.


He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
She said... They already have boyfriends.


He said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said... A widow.


He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Fatboy]

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve neutrinos. A neutrino walks into a bar.

[stui magpie]

^

LOL fatboy. I get that.

[Fatboy]

[5150]

I dont get it.

[5150]

Oh you said Neutrino...








Nup, still dont get it.

[MOTR]

[Fatboy]

Why did Collingwood lose the Grand Final!

Because MeatLoaf ate all the Pies!


(He sang like it to)

[5150]

Last 10 cents...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10 cent coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Australian Tax Office..'

[King Monkey]

2 condoms are walking down Kings Cross in Sydney.
As they walk passed a gay bar, one of them turns to the other and says "let's go in there and get shitfaced".

[5150]

I had the worst time at dinner last night.

My girlfriend and I were having dinner and drinks and people kept yelling out "Pedo" or "Sick bastard"

She is 21 for gods sake and I am a little older at 60...







It really ruined our 10th anniversary...

[5150]

Some bastard pinched a pair of the wifes nickers of the line last night...

Shes not really worried about the nickers, but she wants the 12 pegs back...