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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 6:11 pm
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The Top Ten Coronavirus Jokes


10. I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though.


9. A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus"


8. I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received from the staff in the last 10 years.


7. With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.


6. I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here"


5. *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.


4. Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.


3. Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.


2. Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?


And for number 1. Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.


Bonus Jokes


- Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.


- People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible"

People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago"


- Back in the day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled "last call"


- I think it is great that people are finally starting to drink water, wipe their ass and wash their hands.


- To the people who bought 20 bottles of soap leaving none of the shelves for others, you do realise that to stop getting Coronavirus, you need other people washing their hands too.


- Chuck Norris has been exposed to the Coronavirus. The virus is now in quarantine for a month.


- Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contract Coronavirus. His name is Ah-Chu.

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 6:44 am
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Hehe, good for a giggle!
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luvdids Sagittarius



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Location: work

PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 1:37 pm
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Why doesn't China play cricket?
They keep eating the bats


If you think one person can't change the world, feed them a raw bat

<snip – jokes jokes and one less joke, in this case! Thanks, BBMods.>
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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 4:57 pm
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Laughing Laughing

Not bad.

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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 5:13 pm
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So beauty salons, tanning salons, waxing salons, nail salons are all closed.

It's starting to get ugly out there.

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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 2:12 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

They say sex sells...
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.


A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks.
Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"

The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."


A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”

The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”

This is the short version of this particular joke

Coal miners
An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion so he walked up to them and asked, "Can I help you with this painting?" One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not Africans. They are coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."


Day 3 without sports due to Covid19. Found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she is my wife. She seems nice.


A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.” The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: “Are – my – test – results – back?”


And for those doing home schooling



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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2020 6:13 pm
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So I read this as a post on facebook shared by a cousin. I laughed out loud, it may or may not work for you.

The electric fence and the lawnmower..
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time.......stood........still..........
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

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watt price tully Scorpio



Joined: 15 May 2007


PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2020 8:15 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

In New York a religious Jew walks into a bar with the full regalia: black suit, fur hat, long curly sidelocks, beard and he had a green frog 🐸 on his shoulder. The barman asked in astonishment: where did u get that from?


The frog replies: Brooklyn, they’re everywhere

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2020 10:09 am
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A man picks up a lady in a bar and they head back to his place. He opens the door and they walk in and embrace. They head into his room and starting taking their clothes off and all of a sudden there's a voice, "hope it's not the fatty from the other night". The lady goes, "what was that?" The man say's, "ignore that, it's my memory foam mattress, it's just being a smartarse:.
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Tannin Capricorn

Can't remember


Joined: 06 Aug 2006
Location: Huon Valley Tasmania

PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2020 5:18 pm
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Father rings up his adult son, who is working in South Australia.

"Son, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your mother and I are getting divorced. I can't stand the sight of her and she feels the same way. No, don't argue, I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to have to tell your sister. You ring her."

He hangs up.

The young man rings his sister in Brisbane, tells her all about it. She hits the roof!

"You ring father back and tell him not to do anything until he has talked to us! I'm going to talk some sense into them first thing tomorrow, and you are coming with me. You tell him, no lawyers, no nothing until we have seen them and put them straight."

Son rings father, tells him the score.

Father puts the phone down, turns to his wife and says "Good news Dear. They are both coming home for Christmas, and they paying their own airfares."

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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2020 5:31 pm
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^

Oldie but goodie.

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watt price tully Scorpio



Joined: 15 May 2007


PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 11:44 pm
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An Ultra Orthodox Jew is about to be married so he asks the officiating a rabbi about do’s and don’ts; what’s permitted and what’s not permitted under Jewish law.

The young man asks:

Is dancing permitted? The Rabbi says only amongst men but men and women must be separated. A man and a woman dancing together is sinful.

What about sex in married life?

Can a man be on top during sex? Of course says the Rabbi, that is permitted.
Can a woman be on top during sex? Of course says the Rabbi, that is permitted
What about from behind during sex? Of course says the Rabbi, that is permitted
What about standing up during Sex? Absolutely not, that is not permitted........it could lead to dancing.

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David Libra

Speak about destruction


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: in a time zone

PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 11:46 am
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Showed that one to Lola, WPT – she thought it was very funny.
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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Thu Apr 08, 2021 6:41 pm
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

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David Libra

Speak about destruction


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: in a time zone

PostPosted: Thu Apr 08, 2021 7:08 pm
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Laughing didn’t see that one coming.
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