Nick's Collingwood Bulletin Board Forum Index
 The RulesThe Rules FAQFAQ
   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   CalendarCalendar   SearchSearch 
Log inLog in RegisterRegister
 
Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

Users browsing this topic:0 Registered, 0 Hidden and 0 Guests
Registered Users: None

Post new topic   Reply to topic    Nick's Collingwood Bulletin Board Forum Index -> Victoria Park Tavern
 
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 47, 48, 49, 50, 51  Next
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2018 8:18 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

stui magpie wrote:
Ol mate and his missus are sitting on the porch having a cuppa when the postie wanders past.
Ya know, he says, nodding to the postie, I heard a rumour tha other day that hes rooted evry sheila in this street except fer one.
His missus is quiet for a bit, Reckon thatd be that snooty bitch at number 62!
One of my Dad's jokes Razz
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website  
Pi Gemini



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Location: SA

PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2018 5:51 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

this is an old one

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable
to last very long before he would orgasm during sex.
A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new
lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him
that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the
act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as
if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm,
he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm,
he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?" He heard, "This is the police.
What the hell are you doing?" The man replied,
"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well,
you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

_________________
Pi = Infinite = Collingwood = Always
Floreat Pica
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:10 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehehe
_________________
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
David Libra

Speak about destruction


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: in a time zone

PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:34 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

_________________
"Every time we witness an injustice and do not act, we train our character to be passive in its presence." – Julian Assange
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger  
stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Back in lockdown

PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 3:22 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

Groan.


Wink

_________________
noli illegitimi carborundum. The hardest part of a 7 day lockdown is the last 3 months
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 3:22 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I hope you dont mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?.

About 32, is the reply.

Nope! Im exactly 50, the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, Id guess about 29. The woman replies with a big smile, Nope, Im 50.

Now shes feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, Oh, Id say 30.

Again she proudly responds, Im 50, but thank you!

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, Lady, Im 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead.

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay.....How old am I?

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 50.

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell?

I was behind you at McDonalds.
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website  
Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 5:39 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
She said................ "Fook off, they're for your funeral
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website  
stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Back in lockdown

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 5:48 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

Been a few variations of that one, but it's always a Laughing

_________________
noli illegitimi carborundum. The hardest part of a 7 day lockdown is the last 3 months
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 10:11 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe, that and the grand final seat one always make me chuckle!
_________________
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Back in lockdown

PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2018 3:25 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

It's 2025 and an elderly man is reaching the end of his days.

He wistfully recalls, as the elderly do, things of his younger days. In particular a meal he had at a small cafe in Vienna back in the 70's. It was only an entree , two small meatballs in a tomato based sauce served with toast, but the texture and taste of the meatballs was something he'd never tasted anywhere since, and he'd travelled around a bit.

So he got his grandson to check online for him. The cafe still existed, in the original family owners, and they still had those meatballs on the menu.

He decided to have one last hurrah, relive part of his youth and fly to Vienna to partake of the dish he remembered from his youth.

A few days later, he was in Vienna, at the same cafe. The man who had served him all those years ago was now an old man too, and the owner. the cafe had passed from father to son. He ordered the meatballs and sat trembling with anticipation for their arrival. However, once they arrived, he noticed a problem.

These were much bigger than he remembered. Confused However, he was old so he put that aside as poor recollection and started eating. next problem. Far from the beautiful texture he recalled, these were tough and chewy, so he called the owner over.

"My friend", he said, "I have travelled thousands of km to taste these meatballs that I remember from my youth one last time. However, these are nothing like what I remember. The dish I ate all those years ago was tender and succulent, a texture like I've never tasted before. These are tough and chewy. Pray tell me, is my memory playing tricks or has something changed?"

The owner sighed. "My friend" he said, the world has changed since you were here last in the 1970's when I was a young man like you. The recipe is unchanged in all these years but for one ingredient.

I would love to serve you the same dish you ate back then but alas I cannot as they stopped castrating the Vienna Boys Choirboys and started castrating the Priests

_________________
noli illegitimi carborundum. The hardest part of a 7 day lockdown is the last 3 months
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Back in lockdown

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 12:28 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

An elderly man in Florida had a semi rural property of a few acres, with pond down the back. The pond was a good size for a natural swimming pool, so over the years he had tarted it up a bit, put a table and some chairs and planted some fruit trees around it.

One balmy evening he thought he might go for a stroll down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a 10 litre bucket so he could pick some fruit while he was there and off he went.

As he got to the pond he found 6 young women skinny dipping.

He called out to them, "Excuse me ladies, you know this is private property?"

The women all straight away went to the deep end. One called back to him, "look, we'll leave but not until you do. We all naked and we're not getting out while you're standing there watching"

The old man smiled and called back to them, "That's OK, I didn't come down here to look at naked young women in my pond", then holding up the bucket, he said "I'm just here to feed the alligator"

_________________
noli illegitimi carborundum. The hardest part of a 7 day lockdown is the last 3 months
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Back in lockdown

PostPosted: Fri Jun 07, 2019 7:04 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Some Dad jokes.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

And some a little darker

“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”

In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.


A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
-
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"


What is black and is stuck to a ceiling? A not very good electrician.

“Siri, why am I still single?!”
-
Siri activates front camera.

_________________
noli illegitimi carborundum. The hardest part of a 7 day lockdown is the last 3 months
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
David Libra

Speak about destruction


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: in a time zone

PostPosted: Fri Jun 07, 2019 7:54 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Some of those are great. Laughing
_________________
"Every time we witness an injustice and do not act, we train our character to be passive in its presence." – Julian Assange
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger  
stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Back in lockdown

PostPosted: Sat Jun 08, 2019 5:09 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple more, varied.

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.


My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgemental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine.


My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.


I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


A man who's been in a coma for several years suddenly awakes to find himself in his bed at home with his wife standing over him.

When the wife see's him awake, she gets a tear in her eye and starts removing her clothes.

As she is undressing, the man croaks, "honey, I've just woken up, I don't think I have the strength for sex"

"SEX?" she yells at him, "I bought this outfit for your funeral, now I have to put it away for later. I really can't rely on you for anything, can I?"



I was outside work in the city having a smoke when a man ran up to me and asked how to get to Hospital quickly. I told him to go stand in the middle of the intersection and wait.


A bloke goes down to his local for a few drinks. A few turns into a lot and in the early hours of the morning, he decides to go home. He tries to stand but falls flat on his face. Tries a couple more times, same result, so he gives up and crawls home. Lucky it's not too far but still a hard slog, he crawls all the way home, into the house, and climbs into bed beside his wife, fully dressed, and immediately passes out and starts to snore.

Late next morning he wakes up to see his wife looking down at him.
"You went and got pissed last night, didn't you?"
"Honey" he says through gritted teeth and a serious hangover, " I just had a few down the pub, why would you say that?"

"I had a call from the pub asking when we'll be down to pick up your wheelchair"

_________________
noli illegitimi carborundum. The hardest part of a 7 day lockdown is the last 3 months
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Back in lockdown

PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:42 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

The technology disconnect.

The missus a month ago asked the daughter where the phone book was. The daughter just rolled her eyes, said to her mum " you're old" and handed over her iPhone.

Long story short, spider is dead, iPhone is smashed and daughter is crying on the couch not talking to her mum.

last week I was going to the dunny and realsed we were out of dunny paper. Asked the daughter where the newspaper was.

Long story short, I had a very unsatisfying experience, the daughters new iPhone is in the bin and she isn't talking to me either

_________________
noli illegitimi carborundum. The hardest part of a 7 day lockdown is the last 3 months
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message  
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Nick's Collingwood Bulletin Board Forum Index -> Victoria Park Tavern All times are GMT + 10 Hours

Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 47, 48, 49, 50, 51  Next
Page 48 of 51   

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You cannot download files in this forum



Privacy Policy

Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group