Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

In keeping with the theme,

A woman is going through a difficult labour. Contractions are working and she's screaming out **** **** **** ****, "This is agony, it's killing me, get it out, please get it ourt". She's sweating and begging the midwife to give her drugs.

She looks over at her boyfriend, sitting beside her, and snarls at him "You did this to me, you bastard, It's because of you I'm in this agony".

He looked at her, and responded mildly, 'If you remember darl, I wanted to stick it in your arse but you said that would be too painful"

[5150]

James Brayshaw.

[5150]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a large coke, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

[stui magpie]

Somewhat topical

A senior union official from Sydney is in Melbourne on union business when he decides he'd like a little horizontal action.

So he wanders out of Crown into Sth Melbourne and strolls into a brothel.

Once in the door, his morals get the better of him so he asks the madam "Is this a union house"?

The Madam looks at him stupidly, so he asks "If I pay you $300 for a girl, how much of that does she get"

"Ahh", the Madam says, "We operate on a 50-50 spilit. The girl will get $150 and the house $150". The union official snorts something about getting fat off the workers back and stalks out, heading to another brothel where he gets a similar result.

After a couple more unsuccessful efforts, he gets the response he was hoping for.

"Yes, this is a union house" replies the latest madam.

"So then, if I pay $300 how much of that does the girl get" asks our by now quite randy union official.

"We believe in the workers getting their fair share, so the girl gets 80% and the house takes 20% to cover our expenses"

"Excellent", says the union official. Conscience now salved, he looks around at the ladies on offer and points at a stunning brunette lounging on a nearby couch and says to the madam, "I'll have her thanks".

The madam looks over her shoulder and replies "Ahh, I'm sure you would. Venus over there, she is one of our brightest and best new young girls. A real up and comer (no pun intended). I'm sure you would get great value for your money, she really provides an excellent service."

"However", she continues, pointing to an aged, toothless hag wearing a dirty flannel nightie sitting in the corner," Ethel over there has seniority."

[Buttsy-Bells]

With all the doom and gloom on the Stock Market, interesting to note the price of lamb has risen in New Zealand - it's up to $25 per half hour.

[think positive]

[stui magpie]

A bloke walks into a small chemist shop and asks the girl behind the counter where the tampons are. After getting directions, he wanders off and comes back 5 minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a ball of string.

"I thought you were after tampons" said the checkout chick.

"Yep". said the bloke. "Last week I asked the missus to buy me a packet of cigarettes and she came back with a pouch of tobacco and a packet of papers. Lets see how she likes having to roll her own"

[stui magpie]

One from a cuz on facebook.

A man whispers to a woman in a bar: 'I want to fill your fanny with rum and drink it all.' Shocked, she turns to her husband and says, 'Are you gonna kick the shit out of him or what?' '**** that', he replies. 'I'm not fighting any £$%$er who can drink that much rum...'

[Dark Beanie]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, 'I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.'
The second woman responded, 'Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!'

'Whoa,' replied the first woman.
I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!'

[HAL]

What was the second?

[stui magpie]

A woman goes off scuba diving holiday one weekend and goes missing.

Her husband is frantic with worry. Finally after 10 days there is a knock on the door.

He opens the door and standing there is a young bloke in Police uniform who says to him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news"

Holy Shit, the man thinks to himself, my wife's been missing for 10 days, what could this be.

"OK, he says, give me the bad news.

"The bad news", says the young constable, "Is that we found your wife. She is dead. Drowned. The body was quite badly decomposed when we found it and when we pulled it up it was covered in lobsters and blue swimmer crabs"

"Geezus" says the husband, feeling a bit sick at the thought of the whole thing and grief for the death of his wife. "So what in the hell is the good news then?"

"Well" said the constable, "after we identified the body we set her back down there for a few hours. I've bought you over enough seafood for dinner for the next week"

[Kingswood]

what did the ocean say to the sea?


nothing, he just waved.

[Fatboy]

A beautiful big busted BLONDE boards a plane with an economy ticket.
She sits in 1st class.
A Hostess approaches the woman and ask her to move to economy.
"Im Blonde, Im Beautiful, i have Large Breast, PISS OFF" she said.
Hostess ask another crew member to approach her.
"Im Blonde, Im Beautiful, i have Large Breast, PISS OFF" she said again!
Crew member ask Captain to talk to her.
The captain whispers something in her ear, all of a sudden she jumps up and runs to her economy seat.
The Hostess ask the captain "What did you say to her"
He said" I told her 1st class is not flying to Melbourne"

[think positive]

[David]

I love that I can read these jokes to my girlfriend and she finds them funny.

Can't underestimate the value of a (weird) sense of humour!