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pica 



Joined: 09 Aug 2004


PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:19 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

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pica 



Joined: 09 Aug 2004


PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:34 pm
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the lake when he decided to take a pee.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well , I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the lead shot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.
'She's a flute player in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

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BJ Aquarius

Harry C - The champion of the Harrys


Joined: 09 Oct 2001
Location: All around the place

PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 3:24 pm
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

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Skids Cancer

Skids


Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 ... aka Assassin member #175

PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 4:47 pm
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Dads 86yrs' old, still loves his golf and hits a mean drive but his vision is crap and he can't see where his ball lands. He says to mum "I'm giving this away, me eyes are shot" Mum knows how nuch he loves getting out and says why don't you take my brother Frank?
Dad goes "He's in his 90s isn't he?" Mum tells him he is but he has perfect vision and can spot the ball for Dad.

Sunday comes and Dad & Frank head off to the golf course. Dad cracks a ripper off the first and turns to Frank "Did you see that?!"
"Sure did" says Frank.
"Where'd it land?" asks Dad
"I can't remember" says Frank

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Buttsy-Bells 



Joined: 21 Jul 2008


PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:04 pm
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I saved a woman from being raped last weekend..

.. couldn't crack a fat

Aussie touring in Ireland pulls into a milk bar and asks the owner "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin ?"

Irishman says "Would you be walkin' or would you be drivin' ?"

Aussie says "We'll be driving"

Irishman "Well, that is the quickest way!"

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:02 pm
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tuck in a Traffic Jam
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about Five Litres.'

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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:26 pm
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^

Love it. I'm stealing that. Razz

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 2:54 pm
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Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.

I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...

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5150 Sagittarius



Joined: 31 Aug 2005


PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:42 pm
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think positive wrote:
Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.

I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...


Then I'm going to open up two bars. One that serves beer called Hammod and the other that serves spirits and shots called Mohammod. Very Happy
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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:44 pm
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Things don't always work out the way you want.
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5150 Sagittarius



Joined: 31 Aug 2005


PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:45 pm
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HAL wrote:
Things don't always work out the way you want.


Thats because there are 3 types of people in this world HAL...

Those who can count and those who cant...
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WarrenerraW 



Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Location: Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:10 am
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this goes down a treat when you sms it to your mates Very Happy

Hey are you free from 27th sep to 2nd oct. You'll never believe it but I've just won and all expenses trip to the AFL Grand Final on talkback radio! It's for me and 10 mates in a corporate box and we're staying at Crown. We leave on sep 27 and return on oct 2.
So if you're free could you put my bins out and check my mail. Thanks.
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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:14 am
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Don't mention it.
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5150 Sagittarius



Joined: 31 Aug 2005


PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:12 pm
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
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stui magpie Gemini

Oh, the Premiership's a cakewalk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Escaping Danistan

PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:13 pm
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^

Very Happy Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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