Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[What'sinaname]

[stui magpie]

I've shot rabbits with a .308, instant mince meat. .22 headshot is much better.

[Skids]

I can't shoot anything. Been out with roo shooters and had them in my sights but just can't do it.
There's a few humans I could easily pump some lead in to, but a defenceless animal just standing there... nope, can't do it.

[stui magpie]

^

I don't hunt anymore, but I still could if I wanted. Everyone is wired differently.

[stui magpie]

Billy's daily groaner

So I was having a beer with a Kiwi mate and asked him how many women he'd slept with.

he closed his eyes to count and in a minute was sound asleep.







Baaaaaaaaa

[stui magpie]

My girlfriend always used to smoke after sex.

So I started using lube and slowed down.

[stui magpie]

“Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 5,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Relax in the waiting room while enjoying a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop to buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from the impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!”

[stui magpie]

An old trucker sat down in a diner and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the wrinkled old gear jammer and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life driving big rigs. I have delivered grain to breweries, I have carted machinery across the country, I have given rides at county fairs to lots of kids, and clocked up over 4 million miles, that's like to the moon and back 10 times so I guess I am a trucker – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young boy sat down on the other side of the old truck driver and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian!

[Culprit]

I was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and I said, "You remind me of my little toe". She smiled and said, "Is that because I am small and cute"?
I replied, "No it's because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table".

[stui magpie]

^

I can't imagine that ever working well as a pick up line.

[think positive]

[stui magpie]

My elderly next door neighbour came over and asked me to help her get started with a very difficult jigsaw puzzle she was trying to do.

I asked her what the problem was, she said that according to the picture on the box it was supposed to be a rooster, but she was struggling to get started, so I went over to her house.

I had a look at all the jigsaw pieces on the kitchen table, then at the box.

Then i told her, OK, first thing, we aren't making a picture of a rooster here out of those pieces, so why don't you make us both a cup of tea, we can sit down and relax for a bit, then we'll put the cornflakes back in the box.

[stui magpie]

Billy's Fruity Friday one

Q. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A. The pickpocket snatches watches, the peeping tom...........

[David]

[stui magpie]

3 nuns all die in an accident and arrive at the pearly gates together to be met by St Peter.

St Peter welcomes them to heaven and says to them that before they can enter they must disclose any sins. As they are all Nuns and have a vow of chastity, he asked them if any of them had any form of sexual activity while they were a Nun.

The first one blushed, then said that when she was a novice, Father Patrick had made her put her hand on his member.

St Peter told her that her sin was absolved and all she needed to do was wash her hand in the basin of Holy Water and she was free to enter Heaven.

As she moved on, a scuffle happened as the Nun 3rd in line pushed her way to the front.

"What are you doing pushing past?" asked the Nun who had just been displaced.

The Nun who had just pushed past her replied, "If you think I'm gargling that water after you've washed your bum with it, that's not happening"