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Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 3:12 pm
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Um it was funnier than your joke!
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David Libra

I dare you to try


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 3:16 pm
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OK it's war now. Evil or Very Mad Wink
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 6:27 pm
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^

Cool, joke wars, put one up Razz

3 little ducks waled into a cafe and ordered some cornbread. The cafe owner was astonished, so thought he'd have a chat. He asked them what their names were and what they'd been doing, how were they feeling

The first little duck said, I'm Hughey, I feel great, I've been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?

The second little duck said, I'm Louie, I feel great, I've been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?

The cafe owner turned to the third little duck and said, " so you must be Dewey?"

The third little duck replied, "No.......









....I'm Puddles"

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David Libra

I dare you to try


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 6:54 pm
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Okay, considering I’ve made communist jokes the hill I die on, I’m going all in.

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.

"No,” he responds. “That line was even longer."

——-

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

————-

An old woman has to wait for two hours to get on a bus. Bus after bus arrives filled with passengers, and she is unable to squeeze herself on.

When she finally manages to clamber aboard one of them, she wipes her forehead and exclaims, "Finally, glory to God!"

The driver says, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin!'."

"Excuse me, comrade," the woman replies. "I'm just a backward old woman. From now on I'll say what you told me to."

After a while, she continues: "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?"

"Well, then you may say, 'Glory to God!'"

—————

I am very willing to make this my Stalingrad.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:13 pm
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Groan.

To be fair, the corner of my mouth did twitch a little at the first one. Almost a slight smile, but no.

If this is the hill you've chosen to defend, you're in deep shit. Wink

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David Libra

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Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:25 pm
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Sorry, I forgot to add “Stalin fainted”. Rolling Eyes Laughing
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:29 pm
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You want to do communist jokes?

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."




Representatives of capitalist, socialist and communist systems walk into a bar.
Socialist representative says: “When I need to buy some milk, I have to stand in line for an hour.”
“What is a line?” Asks the capitalist.
“What is meat?” Asks the communist




A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev, he was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, and not even an axe. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he’s Secretary of the Party Committee!”

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David Libra

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:40 pm
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Ha. Laughing Like the last one particularly.
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Mugwump 



Joined: 28 Jul 2007
Location: Between London and Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:51 pm
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David wrote:
Ha. Laughing Like the last one particularly.


Actually the Honecker one is laugh out loud funny, but you have to hear it rather than read it.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 8:17 pm
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From communist to humour (I hope)

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 8:37 pm
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 8:39 pm
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My favourite character is the Computer.
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 10:48 pm
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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go **** yourself.

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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 12:51 am
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stui magpie wrote:
From communist to humour (I hope)

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’


Gotta love that kid!

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think positive Libra

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 1:01 am
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

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