Once, long ago, in a castle set high in the dark mountains of Demetrania lived a most powerful warlock - Mouskouri Eye The Calm. Known for his hawklike features and lack of emotion, he was the fantasy of every hot-blooded female money counter/gas meter reader with abundant body hair in Demetrania. Slow to anger, slow to laugh and with a smile that made hard boiled eggs shiver in their shells - he ruled the Association of Feudal Leeches with a quiet, yet strong hand.

His apprentice, Lef T'Nakker, a dough faced reject from a time when Baker's Delight was a part of the teachings of the Kamasutra, devoted himself to making public statements to justify his private castle/bungalow. Easily flustered, he once passed for a certain public Hudson's younger sibling, and got ejected from the jousting awards afterparty for failing to provide correct ID.

Yet these two held the future of the Association of Feudal Leeches in their grimy and fumbling hands.

Mouskouri: "Well T'Nakker how goes the recent purge of the decrepit? We have our right quota of young boys in our system now I take it?"

T'Nakker: "Yesh Shire the yoush proshess is underway, moesht old ones shave gone now."

Mouskouri: "Good, good, it is now time for my greatest triumph!!!... muhahaha"

T'Nakker: "Err whash that shire?"

Mouskouri: "Why...[clears throat] THE GOLDEN GONG OF SAKYU" [unveils a golden gong, obviously oriental...]

T'Nakker: "Huh?"

Mouskouri: [frowns at his apprentice, then... hits gong]

Gong: "GONGGGGGGGGG!"

T'Nakker: "Huh?"

Mouskouri: [snarls, then hits T'Nakker with the gong donger]

T'Nakker: "Ow! Shire shire don't hit me again" [drops to his knees & begs]

Mouskouri: [grins evilly] "Ha! It's working already. Guards!"

T'Nakker: "Huh?" [guards with deep voices enter]

Guards: "Yesh shire"

Mouskouri: "Get rid of this poor excuse for a mangy mongoose, bury him, and write on his tomb" [thinks] "ah yes - "Wouldn't work weekends"."

T'Nakker: "But I willlllllllll" [as he is dragged away by the guards and the door slammed behind them]

So then Mouskouri set about getting copies of the Golden Gong Of Sakyu made and had them installed in all the Glittering Halls That Held Clubular Balls In Faraway Places Of Warring Races Where Young And Old Trolls Ate Loads Of Bread Rolls And Ancient Powers Smoked The Produce Of Flowers. Soon 15 of the Halls had the gongs, except one recalcitrant nation where Lord Ed ruled, and his host was arrayed at Castle Lexus...

Lord Ed: "What's this then?" [picks up the gong package, reads the instructions]

Malte The Wise, Ranger Of Colling Wood:"Hmm, is that the new happy platoon rulebook, 'How To Be A Happy Platoon Member?"

Lord Ed: Ay? No No hehe that won't come out til next month.

Knight Neil Of The Rotisserie: I already know what the first 3 chapters are called.

Malte The Wise: Piss off, how would you know chubs?

Knight Neil: [unperturbed, and a bit smartarsy] "1. How To Clap, 2. How To Stand & Clap 3. When To Stand & Clap..." [smiles]

Lord Ed: [pissed]"What! How did you find that out pastry boy?"

Knight Neil: [Cowering] "It was CTV! It was CTV!"

Lord Ed: "Hmm, have to look into that one."

Malte The Wise: "Anyway back to the box, what's in it?"

Lord Ed: "More AF Leeches propaganda methinks, designed to milk us dry to feed the feral cats of our associates. Bugger em, leave it in the box & pretend we never received it...Sakyu veddy much!"

Malte & Knight Neil: "Good one Ed."

So life went on peacefully in Castle Lexus.... but Mouskouri harboured a grudge and so he designed a new weapon, one designed to bring Castle Lexus to its knees, one designed to torment the souls of its kingdom and something it could tax hard. THE TROJAN CLASH ARMOUR!.... But that's another story.