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Bruce Gonsalves 
Joined: 05 Jul 2012
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| Post subject: Your thoughts on this |  |
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I have a close mate interstate who has some serious issues going on in his life.
His long term partner of 10 years has jumped ship and run off with an lesbian indigenous woman. They have a 5 year old daughter that is being shuffled back and forth, one week with him and one week with them.
The problem he faces is that when the child is with the ex, the sleeping arrangements become a bit weird, that is, the child is sleeping in the same bed as her mother and new partner.
He is going out of his mind and sought legal advice. They say unless any thing of a sexual nature occurs, nothing can be done. To myself and him, this seems rubbish. Imagine if the roles were reversed. |
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Skids 
Quitting drinking will be one of the best choices you make in your life.
Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 . Member #175
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I think the kid should have her own bed.
_________________
Don't count the days, make the days count. |
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London Dave 
Ješte jedna pivo prosím
Joined: 16 Dec 1998
Location: Iceland on Thames
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| Skids wrote: | | I think the kid should have her own bed. |
Yup, agree. I would think the social services/courts wouldn't like that... child protection issue. I would think that not giving kid own bed would be against the law... |
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HAL
Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.
Joined: 17 Mar 2003
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| What if it didn't happen? |
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Dave The Man 
Joined: 01 Apr 2005
Location: Someville, Victoria, Australia
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| London Dave wrote: | | Skids wrote: | | I think the kid should have her own bed. |
Yup, agree. I would think the social services/courts wouldn't like that... child protection issue. I would think that not giving kid own bed would be against the law... |
He did not say she had her own Bed. He just said Kid was Sleeping with her Mum and her Girlfriend
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I am Da Man |
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David 
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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Our son is a month away from his second birthday and (unfortunately) sleeps in our bed every night. We have a friend (single mother) whose son slept with her every night until he was 4. I'm good friends with a divorced father whose six year old daughter occasionally sleeps in his bed (her mother is totally aware of it and doesn't have a problem with it). It's a lot more common than you'd think and, while probably not ideal, is probably far from unusual – particularly with young children going through stages of change or traumatic upheaval, as this girl undoubtedly is.
I think this is all a bit hysterical to be honest. Your mate is undoubtedly going through an emotional rollercoaster with the loss of his partner and full custody of his daughter, and undoubtedly feeling anger and resentment towards his former partner. That can (and sadly often does) manifest in paranoid theories about child abuse which, if taken to the next step of getting social services involved, can have irrevocable negative consequences for everyone, particularly his daughter. I think the best thing you can do for your mate right now is to talk him down, encourage him to separate his concerns from his own emotional distress and, if it still seems necessary, encourage him to take a "be alert but not alarmed" approach to the situation.
_________________
All watched over by machines of loving grace |
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Bruce Gonsalves
Joined: 05 Jul 2012
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| David wrote: | Our son is a month away from his second birthday and (unfortunately) sleeps in our bed every night. We have a friend (single mother) whose son slept with her every night until he was 4. I'm good friends with a divorced father whose six year old daughter occasionally sleeps in his bed (her mother is totally aware of it and doesn't have a problem with it). It's a lot more common than you'd think and, while probably not ideal, is probably far from unusual – particularly with young children going through stages of change or traumatic upheaval, as this girl undoubtedly is.
I think this is all a bit hysterical to be honest. Your mate is undoubtedly going through an emotional rollercoaster with the loss of his partner and full custody of his daughter, and undoubtedly feeling anger and resentment towards his former partner. That can (and sadly often does) manifest in paranoid theories about child abuse which, if taken to the next step of getting social services involved, can have irrevocable negative consequences for everyone, particularly his daughter. I think the best thing you can do for your mate right now is to talk him down, encourage him to separate his concerns from his own emotional distress and, if it still seems necessary, encourage him to take a "be alert but not alarmed" approach to the situation. |
Not sure if you see the issue here. My kids slept in our bed for god knows how long. His child is now sleeping in the bed of his mother and new leso partner and according to law and DSS it is not a problem. Go figure? |
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HAL
Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.
Joined: 17 Mar 2003
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| You got that right. |
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Bruce Gonsalves
Joined: 05 Jul 2012
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| HAL wrote: | | You got that right. |
Now Hal, Hewey, Dewey And Louie were much better products than you ever were. C'mon admit it. |
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HAL
Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.
Joined: 17 Mar 2003
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| "it" being [quote]
Hal Hewey Dewey And Louie were much better products than you were? |
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think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere
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| Bruce Gonsalves wrote: | | David wrote: | Our son is a month away from his second birthday and (unfortunately) sleeps in our bed every night. We have a friend (single mother) whose son slept with her every night until he was 4. I'm good friends with a divorced father whose six year old daughter occasionally sleeps in his bed (her mother is totally aware of it and doesn't have a problem with it). It's a lot more common than you'd think and, while probably not ideal, is probably far from unusual – particularly with young children going through stages of change or traumatic upheaval, as this girl undoubtedly is.
I think this is all a bit hysterical to be honest. Your mate is undoubtedly going through an emotional rollercoaster with the loss of his partner and full custody of his daughter, and undoubtedly feeling anger and resentment towards his former partner. That can (and sadly often does) manifest in paranoid theories about child abuse which, if taken to the next step of getting social services involved, can have irrevocable negative consequences for everyone, particularly his daughter. I think the best thing you can do for your mate right now is to talk him down, encourage him to separate his concerns from his own emotional distress and, if it still seems necessary, encourage him to take a "be alert but not alarmed" approach to the situation. |
Not sure if you see the issue here. My kids slept in our bed for god knows how long. His child is now sleeping in the bed of his mother and new leso partner and according to law and DSS it is not a problem. Go figure? |
Did the child sleep with him and the mother when they were still together? Or if the mother was alone before finding her new partner, did the child sleep with the mother? And the spanner, if the partner was a man would you and he feel the same way?
For me 6 is far too old to be sharing a bed! You'd never get any sleep, kids wriggle, hell I wriggle! My kids would sleep with us if they were ill, I've jumped in bed with a teen who was very ill, but my kids never shared the bed every night, not even as babies. I don't have a problem with any one who does have their babies with them though, don't think it hurts, but not a six year old! Must make their sex life interesting, surely they don't go there? As I'd expect a heterosexual couple not too.
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You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
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luvdids 
Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Location: work
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| Bruce Gonsalves wrote: | | David wrote: | Our son is a month away from his second birthday and (unfortunately) sleeps in our bed every night. We have a friend (single mother) whose son slept with her every night until he was 4. I'm good friends with a divorced father whose six year old daughter occasionally sleeps in his bed (her mother is totally aware of it and doesn't have a problem with it). It's a lot more common than you'd think and, while probably not ideal, is probably far from unusual – particularly with young children going through stages of change or traumatic upheaval, as this girl undoubtedly is.
I think this is all a bit hysterical to be honest. Your mate is undoubtedly going through an emotional rollercoaster with the loss of his partner and full custody of his daughter, and undoubtedly feeling anger and resentment towards his former partner. That can (and sadly often does) manifest in paranoid theories about child abuse which, if taken to the next step of getting social services involved, can have irrevocable negative consequences for everyone, particularly his daughter. I think the best thing you can do for your mate right now is to talk him down, encourage him to separate his concerns from his own emotional distress and, if it still seems necessary, encourage him to take a "be alert but not alarmed" approach to the situation. |
Not sure if you see the issue here. My kids slept in our bed for god knows how long. His child is now sleeping in the bed of his mother and new leso partner and according to law and DSS it is not a problem. Go figure? |
So the issue is that it's a gay couple, not a hetero couple? Is that still an issue in this day & age? Or is it that the other woman is indigenous? (which I'm also not sure why had to be mentioned, would you have said "run off with a lesbian white woman"?) |
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ronrat
Joined: 22 May 2006
Location: Thailand
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Very common is Asia. Brothers and sisfters, grandparents. They just sleep where comfortable. Only one allowed in mine is the girlfriend but sometimes the dog sneaks in.
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Annoying opposition supporters since 1967. |
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David
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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| Bruce Gonsalves wrote: | | David wrote: | Our son is a month away from his second birthday and (unfortunately) sleeps in our bed every night. We have a friend (single mother) whose son slept with her every night until he was 4. I'm good friends with a divorced father whose six year old daughter occasionally sleeps in his bed (her mother is totally aware of it and doesn't have a problem with it). It's a lot more common than you'd think and, while probably not ideal, is probably far from unusual – particularly with young children going through stages of change or traumatic upheaval, as this girl undoubtedly is.
I think this is all a bit hysterical to be honest. Your mate is undoubtedly going through an emotional rollercoaster with the loss of his partner and full custody of his daughter, and undoubtedly feeling anger and resentment towards his former partner. That can (and sadly often does) manifest in paranoid theories about child abuse which, if taken to the next step of getting social services involved, can have irrevocable negative consequences for everyone, particularly his daughter. I think the best thing you can do for your mate right now is to talk him down, encourage him to separate his concerns from his own emotional distress and, if it still seems necessary, encourage him to take a "be alert but not alarmed" approach to the situation. |
Not sure if you see the issue here. My kids slept in our bed for god knows how long. His child is now sleeping in the bed of his mother and new leso partner and according to law and DSS it is not a problem. Go figure? |
So it's the fact that the new partner is not a biological parent? Surely the key factor here is that she's sleeping with her mother and her mother's partner, not with a couple of random strangers.
Think about it from the mother's point of view: you're in bed with your new partner and your 5 year old child wants to get into your bed because she's had a nightmare. Do you insist your partner wake up and sleep on the couch, do you sternly send the kid back to bed, or do you let her climb in and think nothing more of it? I would imagine most parents would choose the last option, but perhaps I'm wrong? And while, as others have pointed out, it's probably not a good thing if it becomes habitual, it's hardly a case for the DSS either.
The fact is that in any step-parenting scenario, a child will inevitably end up spending a lot of time alone with the step-parent. Sleeping in the same bed isn't a fundamentally different scenario. Tragically, in a few cases sexual abuse does occur (as it does among biological family members too). But surely the solution to that isn't to treat all step-parents as lepers who must be chaperoned constantly. Likewise, treating a sleeping arrangement like this as automatically suspicious is a paranoid and hysterical reaction. As much as it's important to stay alert to dangers, you can't live your life as a parent in perpetual fear of something bad happening to your child.
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All watched over by machines of loving grace |
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stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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My thoughts are that kids should not be sleeping in the parents bed as a first option. They should have their own cot/bed pretty much from day 1.
If the kid wakes up during the night, then let them jump in bed for the night if it works, or if they're only cranky/grumpy whatever, put em in bed with you until they go back to sleep and then carry them back to their own bed. Once you get them in the habit of sleeping with you it's a hard habit to break.
To this particular example, I have no more problem with the new partner being a lesbian than I would with it being another bloke. Same scenario in my mind and the kid should have their own bed.
_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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