Cancer - when its someone you love...

[think positive]

with so much talk of cancer, so many suffering from it, i thought i would share a post i made on the 21/8/2010 on another forum, when someone asked what its like when someone you love has cancer:

when my hubby had his first cancer test we thought it was routine - yeah it will be fine....it wasnt.


the next weeks and further tests are a blur even now - but i will never forget the absolute terror in the pit of my stomach - and this was after going through breast cancer and a brain tumour with my mother- it was there all day, all night...what if...

then the descision, its advanced, do we operate or not - even the doctor does not know, or doesnt want to get sued so wont say.....and hubby is numb - so i have to decide.....

so i talk him into it..i tell our friends and family...i absorb the hits, the never ending questions and explanations....

i say "see you soon" but they wont let me through the doors..i stand in the stairwell in a place far away that i dont know and WAIL.......i go to a local gym and run and run and run.......for 2 hours i just run...

i go back to the hospital and wait 3 more hours.......you look so pale and frail...you say im okay, go home and rest, go on, go, ill be fine....i have to sit in the car park and all your mum, your brother, our friends, my sister who is with our kids...i have to drive home, its an hour away but i make it......

the doctor says hey its a success, its fine, all clear, we got it, we got the margins, youll be fine, and we party all night and celebrate..........

5 weeks later its back.... more tests, more pain, more fear, more knives in my stomach, in my heart.....you cant cope, cant take it in, so i do......i tell everyone, again and again...well get through it what ever it takes, ill do what ever i can to save you.....

7 solid weeks, everyday of radiation....after the first two you go alone every day after work.....your so tired...im so tired....im so scared........

hey great news, 5 weeks later, your count is way down, that normally takes 18 months but its working already....your gunna be fine.......that was a month before xmas....

but in february its back......more tests.....more waiting...more knives in the pit of my stomach....i cant sleep...i look like crap...i run..i drink...but i cant cry.....i have to be strong for you.......the first doc says, you have 12 months- 5 years if your lucky.... LUCKY I SAY....how is that lucky??...i have two teenage daughters, what will i do?? how do i tell them?? what do i tell them?? for christs sake i am only 46 and i love my husband......what do i do??..and i sit in the carpark and cry and cry and i ring my best friend and i say what do i do?? oh god help me......and you kissed me and got in your car and went back to work.....and i cried......

and i told your mum, and your brother and your friends...but not your children....

and then a week later the next doctor said maybe it will come back in a year in your bones and then we fight again...oh crap we misunderstood, oh my god you might live.....it might not come back for years he says, and we smile...for the first time in a long while.....and i tell your mum, your brother, our friends.....again...

but i smile...i go okay...lets do it....and we try to live again......you live my way, my laws...my green foods.......

wow, the next test is good...well no change anyway......we smile.....i call your mum, your brother, our friends, my best friend hugs me.....im still so scared...and so are you i can see it...but you wont tell me.....

2 months later...youve slacked off...my green drinks are my voodoo again.....you laugh at me...you eat your crap...and then the test....again.....we wait....but this time we hope......

its bad...its gone up again......this time i cant hold it....right there in the doctors office.....i cry........oh god no i cant take it........too much...too much pain....too many knives....

he gives us hope, this doctor.....he says hey, we can wait some more....we dont need the next drug yet.....lets wait some more........we say okay.......but i wonder......and i make the calls...again......

and now you drink my green juice....everyday.......i go to the footy with your best mate....i scream...i let it out...its not the umpire....i just need to scream....

and we wait.......2 more months to wait.......




thats about 18 months ago, levels are still"safe" but almost to the find it again state, when more medication will be needed.

please dont "quote" this, the cold light of day might change my mind about sharing.......

but i thought you might like to know....i wrote this late one night, when my mind was clear, and all the memories were raw....

[David]

Thanks Jo, very moving. Best wishes to your husband, stay strong.

[KenH]

That was hard to read. Good luck to all of you.

[stui magpie]

Nice post Jo.

I've lost a few family members to cancer, the last one being my Dad, and a few friends and work colleagues. It's the gift that just keeps giving. You can't beat it, once it has a grip it's going to getcha. Just a matter of when.

Some people are lucky and with treatment can delay the inevitable for years, like my Dad.

He first got it when I was just a kid. Red hair, fair skin, working outside, bad mix. After a couple of years on and off travelling back and forward to Peter Mac, he seemed to be OK. Had a number of years of no issues.

In 96, it came back. Right down in the skin on his face. 5 hour operation at St Vinnies, he looked like he'd tried to repeatedly french kiss a chainsaw. Talk about a fkn mess. I took my kids in, they were 6 and 4 then, and warned them before hand. They were great and gave him strength. Stubborn old bugger fought his way through a couple more bouts of plastic surgery trying to make him look less like the elephant man, but not really successfully ( I just told him he was never an oil painting to begin with) then 5 weeks of radiation treatment. Inpatient at Peter Mac Monday to Friday, then staying at my place for the weekends.

He needed a straw to drink anything and needed his food sloppy so he could swallow it. That stayed that way till he died 8 years later when it came back yet again.

Just an example of what a stubborn old bugger he was, while he was an inpatient at Peter Mac, he'd walk up the hill to the Windsor Hotel in his Sunday best and have a couple of beers in the bar. The Barman quickly got used to him and used to drop a straw into his beer without being asked.

Others like a woman I worked with, go so quickly. She had breast cancer, had the surgery and the treatment and 12 months after the surgery was coming out the other side when it hit her brain. She was in hospital the day it was diagnosed, moved to a palliative care ward within weeks, and dead a few more weeks after that.

My advice to those who have it or who are dealing with family members who have it, for what it's worth is this.

Don't focus all your hope and energy on beating it. You won't. Focus your energy on doing what you can to buy time, with quality of life attached to that time, and learn to enjoy the time that you have. It may be weeks, it may be years, it may even be decades.

We all only get one turn on the merry-go-round. Most of us think that turn will last forever, but when you know the bloke is standing over there watching and waiting for the opportune moment to kick you off and end your ride, hang on tight, give him the bird and enjoy it while you can.

[annewilo]

Very touching post Jo. We have talked about your time with it and I have told you that you are brave.

It is so hard to the partners and family members of people who are ill. Hard to know what to do and say and such a feeling of helplessness. I am sure at times you feel like marching in to the doctors and demanding they stop everything and all work on hubby to make him better...

I often think of the Michael Hutchence song, Don't Change...sentiments on both sides, we dont want you to change and get sick, and I don't want to change who I am when I get sick....

The families and close friends sometimes get forgotten as people rush to give "sympathy" to those who are sick. And a feeling of total anger because an illness is taking their loved ones away. Trying not to steal your post here, I just remember my own husband crying for three weeks solid when we found out last year that the good fight was up and now we just needed to go for time. Every moment he looked at me he cried and sobbed. Don't ever let anyone tell me that man doesn't love me...! And my children bursting in to tears still when they see me at times.

Stui is right. When I went back again after this latest round of tests and me getting pretty ordinary in January and having to come off all the stuff because it wasnt working I remember a post he made about quality of life. Quality of life is what it is about for me now. No longer holding on to some false hope that I will get better, just going out and being me and living it up large!

Your husband is in a good place though Jo. He is being monitored and who knows, he may go on for another 50 years! Keep the faith and always remember that there are people around you who can support you when it gets rough. You're not doing this alone my dear!

[think positive]

[think positive]

[think positive]

thanks Ken and David.

your kind thoughts are appreciated.

[stui magpie]

[Jezza]

Thanks for sharing your story TP. I can relate to what you're feeling somewhat, but I think you're situation is very personal and close.

Just over two years ago, my loving grandfather was diagnosed with Bladder cancer. Before he was diagnosed we initially dismissed it as being nothing serious and I think looking in hindsight we didn't want to fear the worst, but the story goes is he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. When he was diagnosed I cried and was devastated but I came to accept what had happened. Unfortunately about 4 weeks after he diagnosed we found out that the cancer had spread into other parts of his body. He went through radiation therapy and obviously Chemotherapy for the next 9 or so months after that. We saw an improvement in his health and his tumours had shrunk, but unfortunately we always knew that the day would eventually come.

His last christmas with the whole family was great but we had noticed that mentally he had changed so much from being an out-spoken, upbeat loving man to a depressed, very down and somewhat in denial for what was going to happen. Before he was diagnosed we used to talk so much but by the end we barely spoke, but I was always still there for him no matter what. Unfortunately in April last year he passed away surrounded by family, including myself in the palliative care unit. It was probably the saddest moment of my whole life. For a while I just couldn't believe he was gone, I thought the world had stopped. The funeral was a very hard experience but I was glad and proud that I was a pallbearer for such a well-liked and loved man.

The impact of his death has been profound on me and changed me somewhat. Whilst it doesn't appear I've changed that much, I think personally I have changed a lot since it all happened. Everyday I think about him and some days are better than others I must admit.

[think positive]

[annewilo]

[pietillidie]

Overloaded with work at the moment so I'm avoiding posting too many weighty tomes, but this is a touching thread and my thoughts are with you guys dealing with this stuff. Some quality folks on Nick's.

[Proud Pies]

Jo, no words, just my thoughts with you and your family.

[think positive]

Thanks Jacquie and PTID, just thought people might like to know how it feels... This was written about 18 months ago, some one asked the question on another forum one night, and I just typed what I was thinking/feeling, without thinking about what came out.

life is better now, but it's always in the back of your mind, and I know that one day it will have to come back to the front.

But it really allows you to see life, feel life, and make the most of it.