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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 4:43 pm
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Not an excuse, agreed, but she escalated that situation by continuing to nag. If she had of just walked away it wouldn't have happened.

Now it wouldn't have happened if he just went with her either, but you have a situation where one person is doing something they want to, another person wants them to stop doing it and instead doing something that they want them to.

First person says later, other person adamant that it has to be now. 1st person tries to compromise, not accepted has to be now. It just escalates, even after he hit her once, she just kept going.

In the age of "No means no" she refused to take no for an answer. How many times did he say to leave him alone but she wouldn't. That was serious nagging.

She didn't deserve what happened, he was definitely in the wrong to hit her, but she could have easily de-escalated that situation but chose to escalate it.

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think positive Libra

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 4:52 pm
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Wow, just WOW!

I’m gobsmacked, and thankful I’m married to a man that would not dream of hitting me no matter how much I nag, and I can nag big time, he might yell, scary yell, but he would never raise a hand. Not even if he was drunk. Or I chucked something. Wow.

Same old same old, teach your daughters to avoid a mans bad behaviour, don’t teach your sons to behave.

A meal ticket? So a pregnant woman is just after a meal ticket. There are some very jaded blokes on this site.Unfuckingbelievable.

This part of the second article is what my thought was on seeingthe video on the news:

Video game addiction expert John Saunders told the Herald that gamers frequently turn physical when a loved one tries to intervene.

"That is certainly common. I hear this most commonly from parents trying to rein in their sons' online gaming. They are greeted by abuse and aggression."

Last month, Sydney man Daniel Chapman was jailed after killing his father with a 14-centimetre blade after an argument over a computer.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 4:57 pm
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^

So your husband would just give in to the nagging and do what you want to shut you up? Or would you give up and walk away?

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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:05 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
^

So your husband would just give in to the nagging and do what you want to shut you up? Or would you give up and walk away?


He yells, storms off and does the silent treatment, and then we would talk about it when we calmed down. I don’t tend to nag without reason. He would not play games, (he has told me to put the $£$%^%%$ iPad downbefore! Many times).

It is actually possible to have a bloody big blow up without coming to actual blows. Every married couple has had arguments, they are a fact of life, even though I obviously came from a very lopsided family, I realise it does not have to be a power struggle. Sometimes he’s wrong, sometimes I’m not right. No different from every other relationship that doesn’t have to end in violence.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:17 pm
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Agreed, but that kind of nagging is just one person trying to impose their will on another, to get them to do what they want rather than what the person wants to do.

Mutual respect should mean being able to take No for an answer, not keep pushing to try to get your own way

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think positive Libra

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:24 pm
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Still doesn’t deserve a smack in the face.

I hate the word but. For me it pretty much nullifies everything else in the sentence.

And if you want to justify behaviour, The woman has cooked dinner, is pregnant, and is looking after two kids under 4 while he’s playing online games, by the looks it’s not a one of thing! I’d be nagging too. He could wait until the Rugrats are in bed!

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:35 pm
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It doesn't deserve a smack in the face, I'm not implying in any way that it does. What I'm saying is that level of nagging is just bullshit and she could have dealt with it far better if she wasn't so determined to get her own way.

She wants him to come to dinner, we don't know how long he'd been there, he said he wanted a few more minutes, so say "Fine, if you aren't out in 5 minutes your dinner goes in the bin" then walk out. But continually nagging over something so trivial was dumb.

He wasn't hurting anyone and just wanted to be left alone. Haven't you ever had hubby out in the shed tinkering with something he enjoys and you want him to come in to eat? I bet you wouldn't put on a performance like that if he said he wanted a few more minutes.

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David Libra

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Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda

PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 6:38 pm
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For what it’s worth I’ve endured nagging worse than that and I’m horrified by even the thought of reacting that way. It’s just an incomprehensible way of dealing with a situation like that – or, at least, it should be.

Swoop, your post just reads like so much victim-blaming. Why can’t we just say that what he did was completely unacceptable and inexcusable and that she didn’t deserve it? People in relationships don’t always treat each other well and that’s not okay, but violence is on a whole different level. The point is that even when your partner (or anyone) is pissing you off, you don’t physically assault them. That should be a pretty basic standard.

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swoop42 Virgo

Whatcha gonna do when he comes for you?


Joined: 02 Aug 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 6:38 pm
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think positive wrote:
Wow, just WOW!

I’m gobsmacked, and thankful I’m married to a man that would not dream of hitting me no matter how much I nag, and I can nag big time, he might yell, scary yell, but he would never raise a hand. Not even if he was drunk. Or I chucked something. Wow.

Same old same old, teach your daughters to avoid a mans bad behaviour, don’t teach your sons to behave.

A meal ticket? So a pregnant woman is just after a meal ticket. There are some very jaded blokes on this site.Unfuckingbelievable.


She shouldn't be expecting, relying or waiting on him to change if this is an example of how he has treated her before, she should just leave.

It's called having self respect and in this new era of #metoo women are more empowered than ever to leave abusive partners.

You see I have this rather novel idea of equality that women are equally capable or being culpable as men in all aspects of life (physical limitations the only caveat) and if we are prepared to highlight the problems of domestic violence committed against women we need to equally examine why so many women are seemingly prepared to stay with these men and be labeled victims.

This is not to excuse physical violence in a relationship at all but if we continue to provide reasons to why women allow themselves to remain victims aren't we by extension saying women are somehow subordinate to men, not as capable of living dependently or making strong decisive decisions that will free them of their abusers?

I place the same expectations on women as I do men, I believe that we all have the right to feel safe in a relationship but women would be well served to stop believing they can change the bad behaviour of men if it appears, they should leave and leave early.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 6:40 pm
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That seems unlikely.
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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 7:07 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
It doesn't deserve a smack in the face, I'm not implying in any way that it does. What I'm saying is that level of nagging is just bullshit and she could have dealt with it far better if she wasn't so determined to get her own way.

She wants him to come to dinner, we don't know how long he'd been there, he said he wanted a few more minutes, so say "Fine, if you aren't out in 5 minutes your dinner goes in the bin" then walk out. But continually nagging over something so trivial was dumb.

He wasn't hurting anyone and just wanted to be left alone. Haven't you ever had hubby out in the shed tinkering with something he enjoys and you want him to come in to eat? I bet you wouldn't put on a performance like that if he said he wanted a few more minutes.

Nope I just let his dinner go cold! So yes it happens! Not my problem!

Funny thing, hubb6 came home I said I finished the Christmas shopping today except your family KK pressy, he said get me a rattle gun or .... a car game for the eldest virtual reality machine! I said will I have to smack you over the head to stop playing?! He’s like huh? So I said who do you think nags more, you or me? Fairly robust discussion, although I could name the things he nags about constantly; if he’s cooking don’t taste anything (not me take what I want! Unless it’s chocolate then I ge5 it!) don’t drink out of the bottle, wash your hands before you touch anything, get your feet of the dash, get if Facebook, sit up straght no wonder your neck hurts, slow down earlier at the corner, in the US I drove for 3 hours with him whinging about me being to close to the RH line, there were ripple strips, I didn’t hit them once! I drove off the next exit got out and said I’m done. He said I don’t want to drive, you drive. Nope, and I’m not busting do you can go shit behind the rock! He drove. I hate driving with h8m in the car!
So he calls the eldest down, and puts her on the spot! She says I talk to mum more, so mum! He laughs. I saywhy is that? Why do you ask me and not dad stuff? Why wouldn’t you drive with him on Ls? Oh yeah she says, when I’m cooking dad, you tell me what to do and take over! And after she said to me, that was no win answer! But dad doesn’t have to nag at me because he goes through you!

So when junior gets home she gets the final vote!

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think positive Libra

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 7:21 pm
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swoop42 wrote:
think positive wrote:
Wow, just WOW!

I’m gobsmacked, and thankful I’m married to a man that would not dream of hitting me no matter how much I nag, and I can nag big time, he might yell, scary yell, but he would never raise a hand. Not even if he was drunk. Or I chucked something. Wow.

Same old same old, teach your daughters to avoid a mans bad behaviour, don’t teach your sons to behave.

A meal ticket? So a pregnant woman is just after a meal ticket. There are some very jaded blokes on this site.Unfuckingbelievable.


She shouldn't be expecting, relying or waiting on him to change if this is an example of how he has treated her before, she should just leave.

It's called having self respect and in this new era of #metoo women are more empowered than ever to leave abusive partners.

You see I have this rather novel idea of equality that women are equally capable or being culpable as men in all aspects of life (physical limitations the only caveat) and if we are prepared to highlight the problems of domestic violence committed against women we need to equally examine why so many women are seemingly prepared to stay with these men and be labeled victims.

This is not to excuse physical violence in a relationship at all but if we continue to provide reasons to why women allow themselves to remain victims aren't we by extension saying women are somehow subordinate to men, not as capable of living dependently or making strong decisive decisions that will free them of their abusers?

I place the same expectations on women as I do men, I believe that we all have the right to feel safe in a relationship but women would be well served to stop believing they can change the bad behaviour of men if it appears, they should leave and leave early.


Things are different now, there are resources and the stigma isn’t so bad, what you don’t get us the mental state of these women. (And I’m sure a few men). It doesn’t start with a bang. It’s a slow process that builds, it’s killing self esteem, slowly you think you deserve it, your not worth anything, it’s fear for your life, of not being able to escape - a friends family left when the father was away for a night with work, my father made my mother believe she could never survive on her own, never support us kids, she didn’t allow her self to be a victim, she just couldn’t see a choice. The day she left after 44 years she got in her car with her handbag and drove down the beach and just sat there. She just was paralysed with desperation and fear. My sisters and I went and got her, and then went and told my dad. Quite frankly unless you live it you can’t possibly understand what it’s like. My dad wasn’t my mothers meal ticket, she was his prisoner, beaten down by mental and physical abuse. It took massive courage for her to finally leave.

After a 2 year relationship with my childhood crush, he gave me a black eye, I walked that day, never to return. That doesn’t make me stronger than my mother, it means I learnt from my fathers toxic example.

As for your expectations I too have those expectations of people, that they will treat me as respectfully as I treat them, in the age of entitlement I get disappointed.

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 7:38 pm
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David wrote:
For what it’s worth I’ve endured nagging worse than that and I’m horrified by even the thought of reacting that way. It’s just an incomprehensible way of dealing with a situation like that – or, at least, it should be.

Swoop, your post just reads like so much victim-blaming. Why can’t we just say that what he did was completely unacceptable and inexcusable and that she didn’t deserve it? People in relationships don’t always treat each other well and that’s not okay, but violence is on a whole different level. The point is that even when your partner (or anyone) is pissing you off, you don’t physically assault them. That should be a pretty basic standard.


In a good relationship, the parties should be equal, neither dominant.

People shouldn't use physical violence to exert dominance, nor should they use psychological violence (like that nagging) to exert dominance (and get their own way)

If I was nagged like that I would start off calm like he did, and if she kept going get up and walk out of the room and go and hit or break something (not her) because I would be angry and that's how I work out anger.

I also wouldn't eat that dinner, on principle.

Men hurt their partners with their fists, women do it with their tongues.

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David Libra

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Joined: 27 Jul 2003
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 7:46 pm
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^ I acknowledge that emotional abuse is a form of violence, but I don't think that qualifies at all. Emotional abuse is stuff like manipulation, bullying, isolation tactics and constant put-downs. I wouldn't put nagging in that category.

https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-emotional-abuse

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 7:48 pm
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When is ^ he or she acknowledge that emotional abuse not a form of violence but he or she don't think that qualifies?
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