Polyamory
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David 
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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| Post subject: Polyamory |  |
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Thought some people might find this interesting:
http://archermagazine.com.au/2014/10/the-joy-of-polyamory/
| Quote: | My lived experience tells me something different: the more honest, vulnerable and deep I am with one person, the more love I experience and have available for others.
My experience right back at the beginning of this journey was that when I tried shutting down my feelings of love, I shut down my ability to connect honestly with others, too. For me, truly opening up to how I feel has enabled abundant love for many people in my life.
Perhaps the biggest myth out there is that polyamory just can’t work – that when we grow up, we’ll naturally revert to monogamy. My best response to that argument is that Pete, my longest-term partner, and I have been together for 20 years. He has another partner of 15 years. I had another relationship that lasted for eight years.
The members of the happy household I referred to earlier have been living together for about five years, and the relationships have all been going longer than that. There are also some fabulous historic examples of life-long, ethical non-monogamists, including Eleanor Roosevelt, Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre.
So, yes, polyamory can work.
As with monogamy, it can be done well, or done badly. It’s definitely challenging – few things are tougher than when all your relationships are going wrong at once. Conversely, nothing matches the happiness when all your relationships are shining. |
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think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere
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Hmmm not much interest, why not show, hmmm, ummmm, errrrrr, Lola!
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You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
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stui magpie 
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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The exception to the rule normally proves the rule rather than proves that the exception is a viable alternative.
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Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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David
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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Depends what the "rule" is, exactly. As it is, the divorce rate, frequency of infidelities and so on don't look that promising for monogamy's viability. While I don't think polyamory's for everyone, I suspect that there are a lot fewer polyamorous people who shouldn't be than there are monogamous people who shouldn't be (if that makes sense).
| think positive wrote: | | Hmmm not much interest, why not show, hmmm, ummmm, errrrrr, Lola! |
Oh, this was one of the first things we discussed when we started going out. We're both open to the idea. 
_________________
All watched over by machines of loving grace
Last edited by David on Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:58 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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HAL
Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.
Joined: 17 Mar 2003
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| I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. |
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1061
Joined: 06 Sep 2013
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| Is it true that many polyamorous people are indeed bisexual? |
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stui magpie
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto
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| David wrote: | Depends what the "rule" is, exactly. As it is, the divorce rate, frequency of infidelities and so on don't look that promising for monogamy's viability. While I don't think polyamory's for everyone, I suspect that there are a lot fewer polyamorous people who shouldn't be than there are monogamous people who shouldn't be (if that makes sense).
| think positive wrote: | | Hmmm not much interest, why not show, hmmm, ummmm, errrrrr, Lola! |
Oh, this was one of the first things we discussed when we started going out. We're both open to the idea. |
What it suggests is that people can and do grow differently, often apart and that current laws allows either party to separate from that relationship just because they want to, which is not a bad thing.
Having multiple relationships at once may be a viable alternative for some people but the same issue presents itself, unless each relationship offers different things. Case in point, the married person having an affair. Each relationship offers something different, potentially, although in most cases the reason the person having the affair doesn't leave the original is purely financial.
_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down. |
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think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere
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| 1061 wrote: | | Is it true that many polyamorous people are indeed bisexual? |
im guessing that's a probability.
maybe even a handbag situation
(not that theres anything wrong with that Jerry!)
_________________
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
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David
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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| stui magpie wrote: | | David wrote: | Depends what the "rule" is, exactly. As it is, the divorce rate, frequency of infidelities and so on don't look that promising for monogamy's viability. While I don't think polyamory's for everyone, I suspect that there are a lot fewer polyamorous people who shouldn't be than there are monogamous people who shouldn't be (if that makes sense).
| think positive wrote: | | Hmmm not much interest, why not show, hmmm, ummmm, errrrrr, Lola! |
Oh, this was one of the first things we discussed when we started going out. We're both open to the idea. |
What it suggests is that people can and do grow differently, often apart and that current laws allows either party to separate from that relationship just because they want to, which is not a bad thing.
Having multiple relationships at once may be a viable alternative for some people but the same issue presents itself, unless each relationship offers different things. Case in point, the married person having an affair. Each relationship offers something different, potentially, although in most cases the reason the person having the affair doesn't leave the original is purely financial. |
Yep, I agree. I don't necessarily think a relationship has to last forever to have "worked", though I think many people do stay in unhappy long-term monogamous relationships when they shouldn't—or, at least, should be trying other things whilst in the relationship.
| 1061 wrote: | | Is it true that many polyamorous people are indeed bisexual? |
Many are, but far from all. I think you'd see a higher rate of bisexual people in the polyamorous community than elsewhere, though, definitely. BDSM also seems to figure highly too, for some reason.
_________________
All watched over by machines of loving grace |
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1061
Joined: 06 Sep 2013
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| think positive wrote: | | 1061 wrote: | | Is it true that many polyamorous people are indeed bisexual? |
im guessing that's a probability.
maybe even a handbag situation
(not that theres anything wrong with that Jerry!) |
Bi that can I assume many live in Trailer Parks? |
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David
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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I think you might be thinking of the wrong Jerry, 10. 
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All watched over by machines of loving grace |
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Wokko 
Come and take it.
Joined: 04 Oct 2005
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| And so dies Western Civilization. We almost made it. Maybe next time. |
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think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere
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| David wrote: | | stui magpie wrote: | | David wrote: | Depends what the "rule" is, exactly. As it is, the divorce rate, frequency of infidelities and so on don't look that promising for monogamy's viability. While I don't think polyamory's for everyone, I suspect that there are a lot fewer polyamorous people who shouldn't be than there are monogamous people who shouldn't be (if that makes sense).
| think positive wrote: | | Hmmm not much interest, why not show, hmmm, ummmm, errrrrr, Lola! |
Oh, this was one of the first things we discussed when we started going out. We're both open to the idea. |
What it suggests is that people can and do grow differently, often apart and that current laws allows either party to separate from that relationship just because they want to, which is not a bad thing.
Having multiple relationships at once may be a viable alternative for some people but the same issue presents itself, unless each relationship offers different things. Case in point, the married person having an affair. Each relationship offers something different, potentially, although in most cases the reason the person having the affair doesn't leave the original is purely financial. |
Yep, I agree. I don't necessarily think a relationship has to last forever to have "worked", though I think many people do stay in unhappy long-term monogamous relationships when they shouldn't—or, at least, should be trying other things whilst in the relationship.
| 1061 wrote: | | Is it true that many polyamorous people are indeed bisexual? |
Many are, but far from all. I think you'd see a higher rate of bisexual people in the polyamorous community than elsewhere, though, definitely. BDSM also seems to figure highly too, for some reason. |
I agree with the first sentence. But like a lot of stuff these days, people don't want to do the work. It's too easy to cut and run. No one should stay in a violent or uneven relationship, but gees going in with the idea that hey, if I get an itch you can't scratch I'll just get someone else to do it, is just setting up for failure. It's quite frankly bullshit, and human nature being what it is, one partner is bound to get or at least feel, well, shafted. And yes, it's the kids who will suffer. But hey, as long as your dicks happy, who cares?
Just another cop out by the next generation, scary shit, really scary.
You just gotta love the generation that comes along and thinks they know better, well that's just dandy, but get off your arse and work for it. And that means saying no to benefits supplied by the generation you hold in such disdain.
_________________
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
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David
I dare you to try
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda
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| think positive wrote: | | It's quite frankly bullshit, and human nature being what it is, one partner is bound to get or at least feel, well, shafted. And yes, it's the kids who will suffer. But hey, as long as your dicks happy, who cares? |
Unlike you, I'm not talking about this theoretically—I actually know several people in polyamorous relationships, and was in one myself briefly some years ago.
One of the first and most important principles of polyamory is openness, honesty and mutual interest. If only one partner wants it and the other partner goes along with it to please them, it almost certainly will not work, just as you say. There needs to be open-minded dialogue from day one.
I knew that my former girlfriend had two other boyfriends when I started going out with her, and it never bothered me. One of the most successful arrangements I've seen began as a kind of contract at the beginning of the relationship (and yes, it was again the female partner who prompted it). Five years later, they're married, the man is now in a long-term relationship with another woman and the woman has a number of casual lovers. It definitely seems to work for them. Another couple have had a slightly more difficult road, but have still tried to make it work.
You paint this as selfishness and 'taking the easy way out', but I see martyrdom as far more damaging than one simply being honest about one's needs and trying to come to a mutual arrangement that works.
Humans are creative and critically thinking beings. We do not need to follow tradition for tradition's sake. Monogamy may still be the best arrangement for many or even most, but it doesn't mean that it's the right arrangement for everybody. There was a time when many thought that saving one's virginity for marriage was the best thing to do, but many don't think so any longer. There was a time when most people thought that a relationship between two people of the same gender couldn't function, and they were wrong. I'm glad that people were brave enough to try out different things regardless of what the common wisdom of the time decreed.
At the end of the day, in general, I welcome the idea of being able to explore life for myself; to listen to ideas, follow the good ones and reject the bad, make my own mistakes and try to live according to what I think is right. I don't know what else you can possibly expect me—or anybody else—to do.
_________________
All watched over by machines of loving grace |
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think positive
Side By Side
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere
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I'm glad I chose to give my kids a better role model. One that's not so fickle.
Life has rules for a reason, it makes the world tick better.
Sure there are times to bend them a bit. But don't make excuses for abusing them. When there is kids involved it's not worth the risk that things might get messy.
Your previous relationship, that's a different thing, that's not married and playing around, that's just single and having consensual fun. When the kids come along, it's time to stop being so selfish.
_________________
You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either! |
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