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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 6:16 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe,
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Wed Sep 27, 2017 10:19 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A. A fart that sticks to the roof of your arse.

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I'd like to apologise to anyone I haven't offended yet. Be patient, I'm working through a list. You're entitled to your own opinion, but if it disagrees with mine, it's wrong.
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 6:56 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it frickin' Wrong.

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You never look good trying to make someone else look bad. Disrespecting & insulting other to prove your point just shows how shaky your own position is.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:57 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

That's the truth TP. My Mrs asked me what was on TV, apparently "dust" wasn't the right answer.
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:10 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Culprit wrote:
That's the truth TP. My Mrs asked me what was on TV, apparently "dust" wasn't the right answer.


hehehehehe i hope you got a backhander for that one!!!!

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 7:03 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 5:09 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

Where's the joke? Wink

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I'd like to apologise to anyone I haven't offended yet. Be patient, I'm working through a list. You're entitled to your own opinion, but if it disagrees with mine, it's wrong.
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Mountains Magpie 

Meet Connie, Martha and Vet


Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Location: Somewhere between now and then

PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2017 7:52 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

stui magpie wrote:
^

Where's the joke? Wink


In the irony of hurtling towards the future the joke foretells Wink

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 10:17 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."

"What's dat den?" asks Mikey.

"Send me lawn away to be mowed."
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:58 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males (but the women will always argue they were right)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
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Bruce Gonsalves Gemini



Joined: 05 Jul 2012


PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 2:21 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Culprit wrote:
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males (but the women will always argue they were right)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


Pity she didn't get off her fat rrrse and get them herself.
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ronrat 



Joined: 22 May 2006
Location: Thailand

PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:20 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Bruce Gonsalves wrote:
Culprit wrote:
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males (but the women will always argue they were right)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


Pity she didn't get off her fat rrrse and get them herself.


Because it would spending the money in her kick and not his. For maximum effect a game of sport must also be on and getting close.
"I will go after the game"

"Why not now. You don't follow either team".

At least here there is a sports bar 10 metres from 7-11. So an hour to walk 5 minutes and buy whatever seems reasonable to me.

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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:23 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Right now? What will you find there?
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 3:09 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Some random shit pinched from facebook.

The CEO's of a number of major brewers were having a catch up.

The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud lite
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors lite
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Lite
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.

The other 3 CEO's turned to him and asked him why?
He replied that since they weren't drinking beer, neither would he.


American cooking tips.

Tired of having to boil water to cook pasta? Boil a few gallons at the start of the week and freeze it for later.


Life comments / one liners.

You know you're ugly when you're always the one asked to take the group photos

"One man's trash is another man's treasure". It's a wonderful saying but a horrible way to find out you're adopted

I finally got one of those roof rack boxes for my car. They're really practical, I can barely hear the kids now.

I took my Grandmother to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat all the dead skin. For $60 it was way cheaper than paying for her to get buried or cremated.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.” Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.

The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”




A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty? “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"


What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.



Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?

A: Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.

_________________
I'd like to apologise to anyone I haven't offended yet. Be patient, I'm working through a list. You're entitled to your own opinion, but if it disagrees with mine, it's wrong.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 8:49 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off
his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by,
and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection,
comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"

The man replies,
"No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an
erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the
swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have
his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's
facilities. He enters the sauna and as he
sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers
out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?"
says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?"
says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man,
"it's a rule that if you fart, it implies
that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony
office, where he is greeted by the smiling,
naked receptionist,
"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells,
"Here's my membership card. You can have
the key back and you can keep the $500
membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies,
"you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all
our facilities."

The man replies,
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month...

I fart 15 times a day.
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