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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 6:55 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 8:39 am
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A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!!!"😜😂

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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:38 pm
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^

I can so see that happening. Wink Razz Laughing

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:59 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
^

I can so see that happening. Wink Razz Laughing


hehe, me too, not here obviously, then id have to cook the bloody things!! Wink

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:58 am
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A little guy was sitting in a bar having a quiet beer when a big, surly guy walks in, as he passes the little guy, he hits him on the neck sending him to the floor. The big guy says, 'Thats a karate chop from Korea'.
The little guy says nothing, gets back on his stool and resumes drinking.

Little later after coming from the Men's the big guy passes the little guy again and wham, the little guy on the floor again. 'That's a judo chop from Japan' the big guy sniggers.

The little guy has had enough and leaves. Half hour later he's back, looks around and spots the big surly guy having
a beer, walks up behind him and smacks him in the head, knocking him to the ground.

The little guy says to the bartender, 'when he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f#*!ckin crowbar from Bunnings!
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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 10:23 am
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Love it!
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:52 am
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.
In Trinidad ,Barbados ,Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie comes in at $2.50, but you can two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 6:05 pm
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Groan.
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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:28 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
Groan.

Not spicy enough for you!

Better than the cold Pies served up yesterday at the MCG!

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stui magpie 

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Joined: 03 May 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:31 pm
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You should never have picked the dog. Razz Wink
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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:00 pm
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stui magpie wrote:
You should never have picked the dog. Razz Wink


Hehehe I'm still trying to get the fart smell out of my clothes!
Or was that the goat?

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stui magpie 

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Joined: 03 May 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:04 pm
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Both. The dogs farts after eating the goat. Razz
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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:37 pm
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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."

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5150 Sagittarius



Joined: 31 Aug 2005


PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 10:24 pm
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3 guys walk into a bar.
You would have thought one of them would have saw it.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2017 5:48 am
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Q. Why do Swedish war-ships have bar codes on the sides?

A. So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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