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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 3:33 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!”
Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 7:47 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooooh your bad but that's good!
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You never look good trying to make someone else look bad. Disrespecting & insulting other to prove your point just shows how shaky your own position is.
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 7:48 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Culprit wrote:
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!”
Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!



Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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I'd like to apologise to anyone I haven't offended yet. Be patient, I'm working through a list. You're entitled to your own opinion, but if it disagrees with mine, it's wrong.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 12:38 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope.”

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different
NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat
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Skids Cancer



Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 ... aka Assassin member #175

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 1:11 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

When I was working out at the local community last week, I noticed a pair of legs sticking out from under my ute.
I went over and asked the young fella "what are you doing under there mate?"

He slides out and says "Trying to get the whine outa the diff"

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What's the difference between light & hard?
You can sleep with a light on Smile
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 2:17 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Skids wrote:
When I was working out at the local community last week, I noticed a pair of legs sticking out from under my ute.
I went over and asked the young fella "what are you doing under there mate?"

He slides out and says "Trying to get the whine outa the diff"


wine?

The golf one is good!

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 6:56 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Apparently the RSPCA have banned Richmond supporters from owning dogs as pets. They can't hold a lead Razz Shocked Very Happy Laughing
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 6:59 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Culprit wrote:
Apparently the RSPCA have banned Richmond supporters from owning dogs as pets. They can't hold a lead Razz Shocked Very Happy Laughing


hah #richmondy

The golf one was good.

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I'd like to apologise to anyone I haven't offended yet. Be patient, I'm working through a list. You're entitled to your own opinion, but if it disagrees with mine, it's wrong.
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Pies4shaw 

"Phil had more talent in his little finger than both Abletts combined displayed in their entire careers"


Joined: 08 Oct 2007


PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 4:17 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 6:45 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

Boom tish Razz

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 8:24 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2017 6:08 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.”
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stui magpie 

suge min pikk


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: Where ever i go, there I am

PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 5:42 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

10 offensive stand up jokes. NSFW, keep the volume down if kids are around.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUKN739Gwu0

I cringed at at least 2 of them.

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I'd like to apologise to anyone I haven't offended yet. Be patient, I'm working through a list. You're entitled to your own opinion, but if it disagrees with mine, it's wrong.
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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 5:43 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

10 times 10 = 100.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 6:54 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as
yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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