Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

[Culprit]

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.


After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

[think positive]

[Culprit]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Tannin]

[Tannin]

[Culprit]

Gav was bragging to his best mate Bill one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them."
Tired of his boasting, Bill called his bluff, "OK, Gav, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's Bill, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Gav and Bill fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Gav! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Bill is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he says that he thinks Gav's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Gav says.

"President Obama," his Bill quickly retorts.

"Yup," Gav says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Gav on the tour and motions him and Bill over, saying, "Gav, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, Bill is very much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Gav, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," Bill replies.

"Sure!" says Gav. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Gav and Bill are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Gav says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Gav emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Gav returns, he finds that Bill has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to Bill's side, Gav asks him, "What happened?"

Bill looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the *ucks that on the balcony with Gav?

[think positive]

Shit it's been a while, I should give Gav a call!

[David]

Hungarian jokes about Scottish people (yes, really):

–

In a dark corner a scottish guy gets stopped by a mugger.

"100 pounds or your life!"

"Here's 50. I'm already half dead from the scare."

_

The scot and his son are walking in the market. Suddenly the son asks:

"Dad, can I get an orange?"

"No."

"But dad! I'd really like one!"

"Allright son, then spit on a vendor and maybe he'll throw one at you!"

_

A scottish kid asks his dad:

"Daddy, what will be under the christmas tree this year?"

"Floor."

_

The scot is cutting the grass in the garden, when his wife shouts out the window:

"John! There're two guys here. They asking for donations for the new public swimming pool. What should I give them?"

"Two baskets of water!"

_

The scot is in terrible pain, because of his teeth. He goes to the dentist, and in the dentist chair he starts nervously checking his pockets.

"Don't worry, you don't have to pay in advance!" - Says the doctor

"I'm not worried about that. Just want to count my money before the anastesia!"

_

Two scottish guys meet at the café. One of them tells the other that he'll have a date there today.

"And? She's not here yet?"

"Yeah, she's here. The girl at the corner table."

"And what's the matter?"

"I asked her, that she should eat donuts so I can recognise her. She's eating the fifth one, but I'm waiting for her to become full, so I don't have to buy dinner for her."

[Culprit]

One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

[Culprit]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Skids]

Where's my blonde joke gone?!

[KenH]

Good question?

[stui magpie]

Pretty obvious answer I think.

[David]