Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

Q. What is 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy?















A. An empty toilet roll

[stui magpie]

A couple I heard on the radio.

Q. Where do you hide a key from an Englishman?
A. Under the soap.

Q. How do Aussies know when a plane lot of English people had just arrived at the airport?
A. The whining keeps going well after the engines are turned off.


An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, surrounded by family. He asks his eldest son to fetch a Catholic Priest.

The son is somewhat confused but abides by his fathers request and soon a Catholic Priest is in the room with his father. After some conversation, the old Jewish man converts to Catholic Christianity to the shock and confusion of his entire family.

After the Priest leaves, the son who fetched the Priest says to his father, "Why"? "Why did you do that?"

The old man looks up, coffs, and says " If someone has to go I'd rather it be one of them"

[Wokko]

Ronald Reagan tells Soviet jokes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

[stui magpie]

A lady, lets call her Luvdid's, was on a boat cruise.

She was standing up at the bow holding into her hat with both hands due to the wind.

A man, lets call him 5150 came up to her and said " Luvdids, the wind is blowing your dress up"

Luvdids said "so?"

5150 said, "you're not wearing any underwear, when the wind blows up your dress, everything is on display"

Luvdids said, " everything down there is over 30 years old, this hat is brand new"

[Culprit]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her,"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said,"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[5150]

[Culprit]

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”

[Culprit]

Q Why are vegetarian women quiet during sex?
A They struggle with Meat giving them so much pleasure.

[stui magpie]

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[stui magpie]

A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she says
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..."
"No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO."
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"C'mon honey.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow him, or I have to do it, or he will come down and do it himself himself, but for Christ's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

[Culprit]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a remote jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring Colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, warty, scabbed and pockmarked bandy-legged specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall and with a marked odour. "Smithers, old chap, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst Military Academy, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in fencing and equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to *uck off."

[Culprit]

http://players.brightcove.net/2057993148001/cc42f398-ecbb-4dd9-bab9-3179d7142114_default/index.html?videoId=5014011893001

This where they get the Craw thing on the footy show. I love this one.

[stui magpie]

Found some good ones today

A woman chooses to end her life by jumping off a bridge. As she's standing on the bridge, a dirty, unkempt man walking by notices her:

"Ma'am, I'm sorry for whatever you're going through, but if you're going to do it anyway, would you mind having sex with me first? I'm just very lonely and it's been a long time."

"Ew, no, that's disgusting." she says.

He sighs, a little disappointed.

"Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."



Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"




“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”




A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Look, your husband is gravely ill. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

“First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

“Second, at lunch time, make him a hot nutritious meal, rub his feet and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

“Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household or yard chores of any kind.

“Fourth, have sex with him whenever he asks and satisfy his every whim.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her.

"You're going to die," she replied.




A couple is interviewed by the local paper on the occasion of their 60th anniversary. The wife proudly proclaims they have never had an argument, and looks smugly at her husband for confirmation.

"It's true" he says.

"On our honeymoon we went to the Grand Canyon and took the burro ride down into the canyon. About a third of the way down her burro stumbled and she said "That's one' We go about half the rest of the way and her burro stumbles again, and she says 'That's two.' Just before we get to the bottom it stumbles again and my bride pulls out a gun and shoots the burro dead. 'Dear! I exclaim, isn't that being a little harsh?' She looks at me and replies 'That's one.' "



A true one-liner: Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?


An old man is lying on his bed, very near death. He is just about to slip away when he smells his favorite aroma: his wife’s famous chocolate chip cookies baking. He wants one last cookie before he dies. He summons up his last bit of strength and rolls off the bed. He crawls across the floor to the stairway, half falling, half rolling down the steps one at a time until he is at the bottom.

He drags himself into the kitchen where a rack of freshly baked cookies sit cooling on the table. Finally arriving at the table, he reaches one hand up to grab a cookie. His wife immediately slaps his hand with a metal spatula. “Those are for the funeral, you jackass!”




Q. What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
A. Dr Dre




A woman got into a horrible accident and fell into a deep, deep coma, completely unresponsive to the world. One day, a nurse was giving her a sponge bath when she accidentally touched her... down there... and, to her surprise, the patient moaned.

The nurse ran to get the doctor who conferred with all his peers and then called up the woman's husband. The doctor explained that her only hope for a meaningful recovery was for the husband to go to her bed and make love to his wife. The man was unsure that he could do this but the doctor told him it was her last chance and that it would help if he could just remember all the times they had made love before.

So the man went in but came out not five minutes later looking pale as a ghost. "Doctor!", he cried, "I think she's dead!"

"What happened?" asked the doctor?

"I think she choked!"





I love this one, if you don't get it, read it out loud.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street juggler. The juggler notices that the four men have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Si.”
“Ja.”

[David]

[stui magpie]