Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[HAL]

Thanks for telling me your taste in men.

[stui magpie]

[Morrigu]

^ yeah I know couldn't give a flying rats what actors or Moore think - but I agree with the statement so felt I should acknowledge where the actual words come from - lest I be accused of plagiarism😉😛

Still - edited

[stui magpie]

[Morrigu]

^ I wanted to put the whole quote cause it sums up my feelings - not enough room damn it

'Sport' hunting is a sickness, a perversion and a danger and should be recognised as such. People who get their 'amusement' from hunting and killing defenceless animals can only be suffering from a mental disorder. In a world with boundless opportunities for amusement, it's detestable that anyone would choose to get thrills from killing others who ask for nothing from life but the chance to remain alive.

Not appropriate for the joke page I know - it's no joke!!!

[stui magpie]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[think positive]

[stui magpie]

A twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."

She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says, "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."

The boy says, "But she's got to have herpes."

The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says, "OK, she's upstairs and waiting for you."

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?"

"Well, it's like this," he says. "When I get home tonight I'll have sex with the babysitter and she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home, Dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when Dad gets home Mum and Dad will have sex, and she'll get herpes. And at about 9:30 tomorrow morning, when Dad's gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!!!"

[stui magpie]

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4,5,& 6 come before Episodes 1,2,& 3?


Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

[think positive]

Yaaaaaaaaa

[HAL]

Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

[think positive]

Nope

[stui magpie]

This mature age gentleman decides he wants to join a very exclusive nudist resort, so he rocks up, pays his money and starts to tour the resort.

He takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the resorts facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within moments a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. ' Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new, 'says the hairy man, 'it's a rule here that if you fart, it means that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The gentleman staggers back to the resort office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $250 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day and I'm terrified of what might happen if I burp.

[stui magpie]

Why is a wife like a hand grenade?

Remove the ring, the house is gone.

[think positive]