Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Culprit]

[stui magpie]

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are talking about their cultures.

The Chinese man says, "My people have been around 3000 years".

The Jewish man says, "Well, my people have been around 5000 years".

The Chinese man says, "Really? What did you eat for the first 2000?"

[think positive]

Far away in the tropical waters of Australia, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

Just as Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."...(wait for it).

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...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".

[think positive]

How stui lost his teeth

Stui was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a
butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind him, and slapped him
on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

he looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”

She said, “ I sure do."

stui said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices
you’re missing.”

stuis dental surgery is on Monday.

[think positive]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[think positive]

TP's Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
TP's Husband:My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home....

Sergeant:What is her height?

TP's Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

TP's Husband:Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:Color of eyes?

TP's Husband:Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:Colour of hair?

TP's Husband:Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant:What was she wearing?

TP's Husband:Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

TP's Husband:She went in my truck.

Sergeant:What kind of truck was it?

TP's Husband: A 2015 Ford Ranger 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point TP's husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

[think positive]

TWO OLD MEN, TANNIN AND 3.14 DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME TANNIN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS 3.14, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
3.14 SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY in the world WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

[David]

[stui magpie]

Nice adding a personal touch to the jokes.

[think positive]

[John Wren]

i have it on good authority that one of the nicksters who frequents vpt does a very good owl impression.

[think positive]

Who who who

[stui magpie]

An oldie. sort of.

Names have been changed to protect the maligned, any resemblance to actual persons living or deceased is purely coincidental.

Patrick Turdblossom had a problem. A small problem. Tiny in fact. His fully erect penis measured 2cm long and 1cm in diameter. Understandably his wife was not overly impressed by this and their love making lacked a certain something.

So, Pat decided to do something about it and sought out some scientist mates who had been undertaking experiments using animal parts in transplants to humans. (no animals were harmed in the making of this joke, chillax Jo)

So he figured if they can grow an ear on a mouses back, or transplant a pigs liver into Darren Hunch, maybe they can give him a bigger dick.

So after much research, lunches, bribery and raiding the morgue at the zoo, Pat had a (recently deceased of natural causes) baby elephants trunk implanted as his new penis. Pat was extremely happy with the result, for a start he could piss standing up without getting it all over his shoes. But he hadn't yet tried out what it was intended for. The doctor had given him some instructions that included needing to make sure the transplant was fully healed before undertaking any activity that might put it under stress and to beware of genetic muscle memory. The last point he had NFI what it meant , but was prepared to be careful.

So after a couple of months of sleeping in the spare bedroom and taking lots of cold showers, pat decided it was time to make the wife happy. So he arranged a date night and took her out to dinner at a swish restaurant to set the scene.

So there they were, sitting at the table chatting waiting for the entree when all of a sudden he felt a stirring in his pants. A stirring the likes of what he had never felt before. Seriously.

All of a sudden the baby elephants trunk that was his new penis burst from out his fly, grabbed the dinner roll from the plate and retreated back to whence it came.

WOW said pats wife with bug eyes. Is that your new dick? That looks great, can you do that again?

"Ummmm" said Pat with equally bulging eyes, "I hope not. Having one bread roll jammed up my arse is enough"

[think positive]

Hahaha to the joke and your other joke! Very good!

[stui magpie]

Probably already posted but WTF.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.