Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[sixpoints]

The phone rings, a women answers.

A pervert in a hushed voice says to her "I bet you have have a tight arse with no hair whatsoever"

"Sure", she replies. "He's on the couch watching the footy, I'll put him on"

[think positive]

[stui magpie]

True mateship.

John brings his best mate home for dinner one night unannounced. They walk in the door at 6pm and Johns wife instantly gives him the rounds of the house, in full earshot of his best mate.

"WTF are you thinking?" says Johns wife. "My hair and make up aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I don't feel like cooking tonight. Why the hell would you bring him over here like this?"

John replied "because he's thinking of getting married"

[think positive]

The lazy %$^%$£$% could clean the place himself

[Lazza]

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of NSW right wing politicians on them. People couldn’t figure out which side to spit on!

[David]

Lol, good one. Would probably seem less funny if we lived in NSW. But then, there's not much to smile about in general up there.

[Lazza]

A glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine

and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:


In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

Endorsed by Barry O'Farrell, Grange receiver and drinker

[Tannin]

[EBB]

Why can't fish see in the dark?

[EBB]

Why does Jonothan Brown look like half a dick head?

[HAL]

Why do birds sing?

[think positive]

When I feel like I win

[stui magpie]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

[5150]

A recent study showed women that are carrying a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

[stui magpie]

^

A few years back i got serious about things and lost over 140 unsightly pounds in a surprisingly short space of time.

Never realised before how easy it was to get a divorce.