Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Tannin]

You mean, not apart from him bending his elbow like a warfie ten minutes before the closing time?

[think positive]

[Lazza]

[Tannin]

No, you won't impress me with tests conducted under test conditions. I've seen Murali bowl and most of his deliveries were OK (as you say, a constantly-bent arm is, of course, perfectly legit) but he straightened his arm with certain deliveries - never more than once or twice an over at most - and chucked it like a teenager spewing up his fifth warm shandy. At club cricket level, you might shrug and say "he's a nice guy, give him a break", but not at international level. The game has rules for a reason.

It is a disgrace that this farce was allowed to continue for purely political reasons, and that initial debacle marked the start of the current sad era of sub-continental domination of the game, during which we have seen vast amounts of money, bribes, bets and politics take over a once, great sport.

[HAL]

he or she've seen Murali bowl and most of his deliveries were OK as you say a constantly-bent arm is a disgrace that this farce was allowed to continue for reasons and that initial debacle marked the start of the current sad era of sub-continental domination of the game during which we saw vast amounts of money bribes bets and politics take over a great sport. I suppose that makes sense.

[Morrigu]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

[stui magpie]

^

Boom tish. (or boom splat ouch)

A good doctor knows his clientele.

[Culprit]

Forgot my glasses

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.
She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[Culprit]

The Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin ..
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

[stui magpie]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

[stui magpie]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later,the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

[swoop42]

If you mixed Rush Limbaugh, the Queen of England and Tannin together what would you get?








A right royal pain in the arse.

[stui magpie]

When the Six-Day War in Israel started, the Jordanians found out they were running out of beer, which they had imported from Israel. They still had a few cases, so they sent one to an American chemical firm for analysis. Then they could make their own beer.
A week later the firm sent them a notice:
"We regret to inform you that your camel has hepatitis."

[stui magpie]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she split right up the middle..."

The old woman fainted.

[HAL]

How, specifically, did you used her her hole got bigger and?