Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

Today is the 50th anniversary of my Grandfathers death.

Always a sad occasion, I'll never forget his last words to me:

"Stop shaking the fkn ladder you little shit"

[Culprit]

I was laying in bed last night and the Mrs said, "Baby make me scream with one finger". So I poked her in the eye.

[stui magpie]

Something I learned from trail hiking is if you’re ever lost in the woods, do not panic, don’t go off trail, just say loudly and clearly “Elon Musk is not a Genius”. Several of the most obnoxiously nerdy men alive will appear out of nowhere to call you poor; then you can follow them to the parking lot where their Tesla has broken down.


A billionaire built a large pool for his man-eating shark.
At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the offer. Then one night a man jumped in. Everyone stared as the man raced to the end of the pool and hopped out just before the shark took a big chomp at the edge of the pool.

The billionaire started yelling with glee, “Congratulations you are the first person who has ever done that!! Now what would you like? Would you like $10 million?” The man gasped, “No thank you.” He said, “Would you like half of my estate?” The man said, “No thank you.” He said, “Ahh, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?” The exasperated man said, “No thank you!”

So the billionaire said, “Well what do you want?”

The man said, “I want the name of the bastard that pushed me in.”



A pig and a donkey are standing out in a farmer’s field.
The pig tells the donkey: "Man, you sure have a crappy life. They take you out in the morning, have you drag carts, turn millstones, pull the plough, and after dark they feed you a nothing but hay. Meanwhile I’m just eating, sleeping and rolling around in the mud all day long, I sure am lucky not to be you.

The donkey turns towards the pig, leers at him, and replies: “Yeah. The pig that was here last year said the same thing.”

[stui magpie]

I went to the GP today for a Prostate exam.

Dropped the pants, got into position and as the Doc came up behind me, he put one hand on my butt check and said, "It's OK Steve, this is a standard procedure, only takes a few seconds, try not to get aroused"

A bit startled, I replied with "But my names Stui, not Steve"

"I know" said the Doc, "My name is Steve" Hellooooooooooooo

[Culprit]

My new girlfriend and I were traveling to meet my parents when she got a flat tyre. So I called my parents and said, "Sorry Mum. we're going to be late as my girlfriends got a puncture. "Oh", she sighed, "I thought you had a real one this time"

[stui magpie]

Little Johnny goes up to his dad and says "Dad, why do they hang horses?"

Dad says to Johnny, mate, they don't hang horses, no one hangs horses, where did you hear that?

Johnny replies, " I just heard Mum telling Aunty Ethel that her new boss was hung like a horse"

Why can't miss Piggy count to 70?
When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

[stui magpie]

I put a map of the world on the wall, gave my wife a dart and told her where ever the dart lands, I'll take her on a holiday. Seems we're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

When I was young, I had no money, but after years and years of hard work, I'm no longer young.

Apparently 30% of pet owners let their pet sleep in the bed with them. I tried it once, my goldfish died.

I just invented the worlds first thought controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.

My wife said sex is much better on holidays. I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.

[Culprit]

What has two wings and an arrow? A Chinese telephone. “wing wing arrow”.

Found my first grey pubic hair today. Not normally fussed about this but it was in my bacon and egg toastie.

I hate in when Doctors ask you questions like “Are you sexually active”?. Depends on what you mean by “active”. There’s plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.

[David]

[stui magpie]

One from Billy.

Paddy was in an accident, very badly burned and died. His body was taken to the morgue and the mortician, needing to have someone identify the body, called in Paddy's two close mates, Seamus and Sean.

They arrived together and the mortician took Seamus in first and pulled back the sheet on the body. Geezus said Seamus, he's been burned all right, can you turn him over? The mortician was surprised but rolled the body over. Seamus quickly said, Ahh, that's not Paddy.

The mortician was surprised and confused but she called in Sean next, and pulled back the sheet. Sean also said, Geez, he's been burned all right, can you turn him over? Again the mortician ro9lled the body over and again, Sean this time instantly said, That's not Paddy.

By now the mortician was exasperated so she asked Sean, how they could tell it wasn't Paddy by looking at his back.

"Paddy had 2 arseholes" said Sean. Every time we went to the Pub together, as we walked in people would say "Here comes Paddy with the 2 arseholes"

[Culprit]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[Culprit]

Teacher. “what comes after 69?” Student, “mouth wash”. Teacher, “get out”.

The Mrs asked me if her appendix scar looked unattractive. Apparently, “Don’t worry babe, your breasts cover it” was the wrong answer.

[Culprit]

Johnny came to class with a black eye. The teacher was concerned and asked, “How did you get that black eye?”. Johnny replies, “Our house is really small and I sleep in the same bed as Mum and Dad and last night Dad asked if I was awake? I replied yes and he whacked me”. The teacher said, “ok next time he asks lay still and be quiet”. The next day Johnny comes in with two black eyes. The teacher distressed asks, “What happened?”. Johnny says, “Well I did what you said when Dad asked if I was awake and I kept quiet and still. Then Mum and Dad were moving and getting faster and faster and the breathing was deep Mum was moaning and Mum asked if Dad was coming, he said yes I’m coming, are you? They never go out without me and I yelled OK I’m coming too”.

[stui magpie]

^

LOL

[Culprit]

A man and woman are sitting on their deck drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you". The Woman responds, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?". The man says, "That's me talking to the beer".