Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Pi]

According to google translate its Machigatta ana. maybe its one of those Japanese / English convergence things

[David]

If you're responding to the post back on page 1, my guess is that that joke is much older than Google Translate.

[Culprit]

A man lying in a hospital with an oxygen mask on as a young nurse comes in to check on him. “Are my testicles black?” The young nurse shocked replies, “I’m just here to check on you”. The man once again asks, “Are my testicles black?” The young nurse is concerned as his heart rate is increasing so she pulls back the covers, holds his manhood, moves it back, checks, and happily says, “Everything is fine, your testicles look great”. The man pulls off his mask and says, “Thank you but listen carefully, are my test results back?”.

[Culprit]

I just called the Chinese takeaway for tonight's dinner and got "Hello I'm Whan King the chef". " I said OK, I will call back later".

[Culprit]

My Boss had a crack at me today, "You have been late three times this week, you know what that means?". My response was, "Yes, that means it's Wednesday".

[stui magpie]

This one time I was having "intimate relations" with a married woman when she heard the front door close.

"Quick" she said, "use the back door"

In hindsight I should have run, but you don't get offers like that everyday.

(stolen from Facebook)

[Culprit]

Nurse, "What happened to your fingers?" Me, "You know how chefs cut up vegetables real fast?" Nurse, "Yes fascinating". Me, "Well I discovered I can't do that".

[stui magpie]

Little Johnny rocks up to class with a cat in his backpack and brings it into class with him.

The teacher says to him, whoa there Johnny, what's with the cat?

I had to bring it with me miss. I heard my dad talking to my mum while I was having breakfast and he said, "As soon as Johnny leaves for school I'm going to eat that pussy"

[Culprit]

^^lol

Tonight I’ll be defrosting the fridge or foreplay as the Mrs calls it.

The boss asked me to do a presentation and told me to start with some humor. Cool, my first slide was my payslip.

[LaurieHolden]

A 70-year-old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman,... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20-minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20-minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your old fella while you're sleeping?"
The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."

[Culprit]

I started a nightclub for guys with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop and nobody came.

[Culprit]

I was sitting on the couch and I heard the Mrs ask me with a lovely voice, “What would you like for dinner, chicken beef, or lamb?”. I quickly responded, “Thank you, darling, I’ll go with the chicken”. She quickly retorted. “You are getting soup ya fat bastard, I was talking to the dog”.

[Culprit]

My next-door neighbor went to the Doctor as he was having very bad hearing problems. The doctor asked him, "Can you describe your symptoms"? My Neighbour replies, Yes, Homer is a big fat lump and Marge is a skinny woman with big purple hair.

[Culprit]

I’ve had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got sacked on my first day as a bus driver.

The police came over and showed me a picture. “Is this your wife?”. I said “Yes”. The office then says, “It looks like she’s been hit by a bus”. I responded. “I know, but she’s good with the kids”.

I tried donating blood today, NEVER AGAIN. Too many stupid questions. Who's Blood, is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

[Culprit]

Brought the Mrs one of those mood rings. It’s Black when she’s pissed at me. Dunno if it does any other colours.