Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Culprit]

Dad Jokes. My Grandkids laughed.

What do you call a piece of crumbed chicken involved in a Drive-by Shooting? Schnitty Schnitty Bang Bang.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing he won’t come when you call him anyway.

[Culprit]

The teacher asks Johhny, "When you are older, what type of wife would you like?"
Johnny replies, "I'd love a wife like a moon".
The teacher surprised asks, "That's really nice Johnny, why the moon?"
Johnny quickly responds, "That's because she can show up at night and disappear in the morning".

The wife was cleaning their 14-year-old son's room and opened the wardrobe and found a load of serious bondage and fetish magazines. She tells her husband and asks, What do we do" Her husband says, "I am no expert, but I wouldn't be ffing spanking him.

Went to the local bar last night and the bar lady yelled, “Anyone know CPR?”. I yelled out, “fck yes, I know the whole alphabet”. Everyone pissed themselves laughing bar this one guy.

My wife has told me she’s quit smoking AGAIN. To see if she’s telling the truth this time, I’ve gone to the pub and left the gas on.

[Culprit]

I woke with a shocking hangover and the bloke next door decided to mow his lawn. I was going to get up and have a crack at him but thought, fck it, he can mow around me.

[stui magpie]

email circulation of jokes? Not bad.

[Culprit]

[LaurieHolden]

Still one of my favourite Norm Macdonald jokes. Uncle Hector -

https://youtu.be/Z4U9oTLZ7TY?si=kpgSXrxCgNuRpakx

[stui magpie]

[Culprit]

The wife came home and said to her husband, “You know all those headaches I’ve been having, well they are gone”. Husband says, “How did you fix them”. Wife, “ I went to a hypnotherapist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror and say, no more headaches for 3 minutes”. Husband. “That’s great”. Wife, “You should see him about your sex drive as it’s been lousy lately”. He says, OK, I’ll give him a try” A week goes by and he comes home and picks her up, carries her to the bedroom, strips her off, lays her down, and says, “I’ll be back shortly”. a few minutes go by and he comes in and he's very passionate and the sex was awesome. A few minutes go by and he gets up and says, “I’ll be back shortly”. He comes back and it's more sex. The wife can't believe it as it’s even better than the first time. After a few minutes he gets up again and says “I’ll be back shortly”. He walks off and the wife is curious so she follows him to the bathroom. She looks through the gap in the door and sees him looking in the mirror and saying “she’s not my wife, she’s not my wife”. His funeral is at 10 o’clock on Friday.

[stui magpie]

^

Very good.

[Culprit]

Three women die and go to heaven. Saint Peter greets them and says, “we only have one rule, don’t step on the ducks”. As they enter heaven there are ducks everywhere and one woman steps on one. Saint Peter arrives with a seriously ugly man and chains her to him. “For stepping on the duck, you are chained to this man for eternity”. The next day one woman steps on a duck and bang, Saint Peter rolls up with a seriously ugly main and chains him to her for eternity. Well the 3rd woman thinks to herself this is not happening to me and is extremely careful where she walks and gets by for a month. All of a sudden Saint Peter arrives with this very handsome muscular man and chains her to him for eternity. She says I have no idea what I did to deserve you but i’m so grateful. The man replies, “I don’t know about you but I stepped on a fckn duck”.

[Culprit]

A guy goes to confession, “Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I said the “F” word at golf. The priest says how did that happen? “Well Father Tee’d off and it sliced right into the woods”. The priest interrupted, “Is that when you said it?” “No Father it hit a tree and bounced back and landed perfectly right in the middle of the fairway. I then used my wedge and sliced it right into the other side of the fairway trees”. The priest again interrupted, “Is that when you said it?” "No father, it bounced off one tree, hit the ball washer, and landed 1ft from the hole". The priest goes, “Don’t tell me you missed the fckn putt?”

[What'sinaname]

Not so much a joke as something funny. Someone likened Biden to a Roomba when he finishes a speech. He walks around aimlessly bumping into things.

[slangman]

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not become ill??

Jerry can.

[Culprit]

What do you do when a bird craps on your window?
Don't take her out again.

What does the sign say on the door at an "out of service" Brothel?
"Beat It, we're closed".

What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
They both have a wet nose.

I am not saying I am getting old, I am just saying dinner time and bedtime are getting extremely close together.

[Skids]

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex.
After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"