Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

^

Oi, I just did the No Peeking one 2 jokes up.

[Tannin]

^ Yeah, but it's the way you tell 'em.

[stui magpie]

^

Good or bad?

[Culprit]

[Culprit]

My mate arrived home and found his wife drunk and screaming at the TV, “Don’t Go into the Church”. He asked, “What are you watching honey?”. She replied, “Our Wedding Video”.

[stui magpie]

^
very good.


"Lemon Pickers Needed" - ad in the Shepparton Times newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan read it and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Victorians are not willing to do. She submitted her application for a job as a Lemon Fruit Picker but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a Arts Degree and a Masters from Melbourne University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker and also as a school teacher. The farm owner studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated and have an impressive resume. However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said... "I've been divorced three times, owned two Holdens, voted twice for Daniel Andrews and once for Anthony Albanese.
She started work yesterday……..

[Kingsofclutch]

Carlton.

[Culprit]

What did our parents do about boredom before the Internet? I asked my 26 Brothers and Sisters and they don’t know either.

By replacing your potato chips with grapefruit. You can lose up to 99% of what little joy you have left in your life.

A woman drops off her dress for dry cleaning and on the way out the Dry Cleaner says, "Come again". The woman replied, "No it's Toothpaste this time".

Q: How do you spot the blind guy at a nudist Colony? A: It's not hard

[stui magpie]

^

Very good.

An old one. Bloke walks into a bar and orders 3 double bourbons, straight up.

Bartender delivers them and as the bloke inhales the first one, he asks, "so what's the occasion? We celebrating or commiserating? "

The bloke grabs the second glass and replies "You're looking at a man who just had his first blowjob."

"Wow" said the bartender, "Let me get you another one on the house"

"No thanks" replied the bloke, "If 3 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will"

[Culprit]

Heard many of these jokes multiple times and still laugh out loud.

[stui magpie]

My father was a cojoined Twin.

His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.




When I was a little kid I used to pray for a bike.
Then as I got older and went to Sunday School, I learned that's not how prayer works.
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.




I'll see myself out.

[Dark Beanie]

[Skids]

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.

[Culprit]

My next-door neighbor just knocked on my door in a see-through negligee. They asked for a cup of sugar winked at me and asked if they could come inside. I said, “Piss off Dave”.

[LaurieHolden]

^ reminded me of the story Spike Milligan told when Peter Sellars turned up on his door in the middle of the night, naked while holding an umbrella.
Milligan said Sellars was stark naked and simply asked "I don't suppose you know a good tailor?"