Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[stui magpie]

Billy's groaner

I had to take my dog to the Vet after it swallowed a bunch of coins. I left him there overnight and rang the vet the next day to ask how things were going.

"Still no change" said the vet.

[David]

Saw this on Facebook:

Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of shit. The second economist turns to the first and says "l pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The first economist takes the $100 and eats a pile of shit.

Walking a little more, the first economist looks at the second and says, "You know, I gave you $100 to eat shit, then you gave me back the same $100 to eat shit. can't help but feel like we both just ate shit for nothing." "That's not true", responded the second economist. "We increased the GDP by $200!"

[think positive]

That’s shit

[Bruce Gonsalves]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

[Bruce Gonsalves]

Ok, ok, no bites!

Because he kneaded a pooh!!!!!




I need to point out this was very funny last Friday arvo at the golf club after 3 or 4 cans

[stui magpie]

^

I was going to say because his bread was shit, but yours works.

[David]

[eddiesmith]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

[stui magpie]

[stui magpie]

Billy's Fruity Friday

A little old woman walks into the green grocers shop and asks the manager where the Broccoli is.

The manager replies, "I'm sorry, we don't have any Broccoli left today, we'll have some more in tomorrow".

Oh, she said and walked out of the shop, only to come back in 5 minutes later and ask the manager again, where the broccoli was.

The manager bit his tongue and repeated what he said 5 minutes ago, "I'm sorry, we don't have any Broccoli left today, we'll have some more in tomorrow".

The woman said "Oh" again, walked out of the shop but came back 5 minutes later and again asked where the broccoli was.

By now the manager is getting annoyed but sucks it up, deep breath, and just says "I'm sorry, we don't have any Broccoli left today, we'll have some more in tomorrow".

"Oh" says the woman and walks out of the shop, only to return again 5 minutes later.

By now, the manager is fuming and before the woman can speak, he says to her, "Excuse me maam, can you spell Cat as in Cataleptic?"

The woman looks at him and says C-A-T

Ok, says the manager, now can you spell Dog as in Dogmatic?

The woman looks confused but replies D-O-G

Very good, says the manager, Now can you spell Fvck as in Broccoli?

The woman looks really confused and says, "There's no Fvck in Broccoli"

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FKN EXPLAIN TO YOU" yelled the manager

[Culprit]

I just got sacked from my Bingo calling role at the Seniors Club. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call 69.

We did a bit of role-playing last night. The Mrs dressed up as a Policewoman and charged me for being "Good in Bed". After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I went to a bar last night and the most unbelievable thing happened. A chick got her nipple pierced. On an unrelated matter, I suck at darts.

A wife walks seductively into the room and says to her husband,"Have you ever seen a $20 note all crumpled up"?
"No", replied the Husband.
The wife gave him a sexy smile and unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her top and slowly reached down between her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked, "Have you ever seen a $50 note all crumpled up"
With increasing excitement, he replied, "No, I haven't".
She then dropped her skirt revealing lovely sexy undies, she reached down the front and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
She leaned over and said have you ever seen $30,000 all crumpled up.
Blown away and really excited he replied, "No I haven't baby"
The wife replies, "go look in the garage".

[Culprit]

A woman went to her Doctor. "Doctor I have this discharge that won't stop". Doctor, "That's interesting, remove your pants and lay on the bed". The Doctor puts on his rubber glove and slides three fingers inside her. The Doctor asks, "How does that feel". The woman replies, "Really lovely but the discharge is from my ear".

[stui magpie]

^

Very good.

Young couple are getting married, the bride asks her mother to buy her a long black neglige for the wedding night and put it in her suitcase carefully so it wouldn't wrinkle.

Unfortunately, mum got preoccupied and forgot until the last minute and all she could get was a short pink one which she jammed in the suitcase.

On the wedding night, the new bride and groom get to their hotel room, both very nervous as they were both virgins. The Husband asked the bride if she would like to get ready for bed in the bathroom while he changed in the bedroom but to please keep the door closed and no peeking.

The bride went into the bathroom and opened her case to find the neglige her mother had bought for her.

"Bloody hell", she yelled, "I wanted a long black one, this is short, pink and wrinkled"

"Oi", called the Husband, "I said no peeking"

[stui magpie]

Another one from Billy.

Ma and Pa lived in an old place out bush. Ma is 80, Pa is 86.

One morning they're in the kitchen when Ma says to Pa, "Pa, you need to go out and fix that outhouse"

Pa: There aint nothing wrong with that outhouse.

Ma: Just get out there and fix it.

Pa: {grumblng to himself, walks out to the outhouse, looks inside and yells back} There ain't nothing wrong with this outhouse.

Ma: Stick your head in the hole

Pa: I ain't sticking my head in there

Ma: You need to put your head in to see what to fix.

Pa {grumbles but sticks his head in and looks around, then yells back} There ain't nothing wrong with this outhouse

Ma: All right, take your head out.

Pa: {starts to pull his head out, then yells } Ma, Ma, Help. My beard is stuck in the cracks in the seat

Ma: Hurts, doesn't it.

[Culprit]

The husband asks his wife, “Can you hold your breath for 3 minutes”. She replied, “What? Don’t be silly, 3 minutes is a long time”. He smiled and said, “Just remember that”.

I was walking my dog and yelled “COW!!”. The woman on the bike rode past me and gave me the bird, she then ran into the Cow.