Nick's Collingwood Bulletin Board Forum Index
 The RulesThe Rules FAQFAQ
   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   CalendarCalendar   SearchSearch 
Log inLog in RegisterRegister
 
The Unemployables

Users browsing this topic:0 Registered, 0 Hidden and 0 Guests
Registered Users: None

Post new topic   Reply to topic    Nick's Collingwood Bulletin Board Forum Index -> Chicks Channel
 
Goto page Previous  1, 2
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
mel_kay39 

PIES PREMIERS 2010


Joined: 28 Aug 2007
Location: www.webs.com/mel_y_kay

PostPosted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 10:44 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL Anna Rexia is what we used to call this girl at school. Her name was Anne and she was skinny as. I don't remember ever seeing her eat. And she was a bitch. I think subconciously I've based the character on her a little bit.
_________________
A Pie for Life.
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address  
mel_kay39 

PIES PREMIERS 2010


Joined: 28 Aug 2007
Location: www.webs.com/mel_y_kay

PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:57 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Episode Six

You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your relatives…

The phone rang as Cheryl was putting the last touches on her family photo montage. She reached across the kitchen counter, and knocked over the craft glue. ‘Oh, shit’ she muttered, picking up the plastic bottle and setting in out of reach. She grabbed the dishcloth in the sink with one hand and picked up the phone in the other. If this is Telstra again, I’m going to be very upset, she thought. Bloody telemarketers!
But it wasn’t Telstra. ‘Is this Cheryl Bumstead, of the Newcomb Bumsteads?’ a snooty sounding female voice asked.
‘Well yeah, technically, but my name’s Baxter now. Who wants to know?’
‘I’m Grace Kyes from Morgan and Bartholomew law firm. We’re the executors of your Aunt Mavis’s will’.
‘Aunty Mavis is dead?’ Cheryl shrieked. ‘No one bothered to tell me!’
‘Yes, well, anyway, they tell me you were close to your aunt, and you’ve been left rather a large sum of money in her will…’
‘Aunty Mavis is dead?’ Cheryl asked, again. She couldn’t believe the nerve of her relatives. She had had a special connection with the old bird. Mavis was the one who taught her how to sense which poker machine was about to pay up. Mavis showed her how to blow smoke rings and how to return an item to Kmart after you’ve obviously worn and stained it. Mavis was God to Cheryl. How dare they neglect to mention she was dead! Had she even missed the funeral? Cheryl fumed silently. When she got hold of her cousin, Lavinia, she was going to strangle the deceitful cow!
‘Are you hearing what I’m saying, Ms Bumstea… err, Baxter?’ asked the lawyer. ‘You’ve been bequeathed a large sum of money. I’d rather not speak about it over the phone, but if we could arrange to meet…’
‘Absolutely’ said Cheryl. ‘And while you’re at it, make sure Mavis’s manipulative little sow of a daughter is present at this meeting. I want to have a word with her’.
‘Err…Quite. What say we make it Thursday afternoon, at four o’clock’.
‘I’ll be there’ Cheryl promised. ‘Just remember… Lavinia has to be there, too’.
‘I’ll see what I can do’ the lawyer promised.
‘Oh by the way’ Cheryl added before the stuck-up lawyer could hang up, ‘You wouldn’t happen to know if I’ve missed the funeral, would you?’

‘Well thank Christ for that’ Cheryl told Rob when he got home from the pub that afternoon. ‘I thought all my family had turned into ingrates overnight. I mean, who would forget to tell the deceased person’s favourite family member that she’s kicked the bucket? Shuffled off this mortal coil? Is a phone call too much to ask?’
‘They did tell you’ Rob reminded her.
‘Yeah, through a bloody solicitor! Have things gotten that bad? Oh hello, Mandy love’
Mandy walked into the kitchen, dumped her bag on the floor and went right for the refrigerator. ‘Aw mum, there’s no yogurt in here! You know I’m on a diet’.
‘I’ll get some later. I’ve had a family emergency to deal with’ Cheryl said.
Mandy frowned. ‘Cousin Sheryl’s pregnant, isn’t she? I always knew that bush pig would push out a kid before she finished high school!’
‘Steady on, Mandy, you know that’s not fair. Cousin Sheryl was named after moi, after all. She does have some class’.
‘Bullshit’ Mandy said, flatly. ‘I’ve got more class in my left toe than she has in her entire existence! Do you know she auditioned for Big Brother last year and the producers told her she’d have to lose twenty kilos and have extensive plastic surgery so the cameras won’t break?! She said it was because she was too beautiful for the cameras to be able to stand it. I can’t believe she’s so up herself! She’s a toad’.
Cheryl raised an eyebrow. ‘No, I didn’t hear that. But I did hear she has a mild stalking habit. Your auntie Kaz says she suffers from Erotomania’.
‘What’s that?’ Mandy asked, stuffing a muesli bar in her mouth at the same time.
‘Mandy, don’t speak with your mouth full. Basically it’s a mental disorder where you think you’re in a relationship with a stranger – usually a celebrity – and you take everything they say as a personal message to you. Her mother’s very worried about her’.
‘So she should be’ Rob cut in. ‘She’s a train wreck, that one. Oh well, I’m going down to the recycling depot. Chez, keep an eye out for Bud will you? He didn’t come when I called him’.
Wayne burst through the door at that point. ‘There’s a good reason for that, Dad’ he said, his face pale. ‘He’s lying under the back tyres of the Commodore’.
‘He’s what?’

Ten minutes later, the entire Baxter clan were waiting anxiously at the vet’s, for any word on their beloved pooch. Bud had survived an amputation, several turf wars, bowel cancer and a fight with a magpie that cost him an eye. He’d had more lives than a cat, but was this his last hurrah? Would Budweiser Baxter make it through emergency surgery?
Mandy couldn’t even think about that. It wasn’t because she refused to deal with the possible death of a family pet. Oh no. It was more to do with the cute vet’s assistant who had patted her on the shoulder when she stood at Bud’s side and said her goodbyes before his operation. She got a funny fluttery feeling in her stomach when he touched her (the vet, not Bud). He looked a bit like that comedian, Hamish Blake. But with a better haircut.
He came out to let the family know how the operation was going. ‘He’s hanging in there’ he said, glancing at Mandy, who quickly looked at the floor, embarrassed. ‘He’s a tough old coot’.
‘He sure is’ Rob agreed. ‘Been my best mate for donkey’s years’. He wiped a tear from his eye. ‘Won’t be the same without the old bugger getting under my heels, tripping me up’.
‘I am so sorry, Dad’ Wayne said. ‘I was backing out, and I didn’t see him’.
‘Of course you didn’t see him’ raged Rob. ‘You were probably checking out that young bird who’s just moved in over the road! Thinking with your other brain again!’
Wayne stared down at his feet. He’d taken to wearing a beanie low down on his forehead, to cover where the firecracker had singed his eyebrows clean off his head. But that couldn’t hide the shame in his eyes. He’d as good as killed his Dad’s best mate.
‘You know he gets excited and comes outside when I get home!’ Rob added. ‘You should have been looking out for him’.
‘I’m sorry’ Wayne said, again.
‘Mr Baxter, this really isn’t the place…’ the vet’s assistant tried to say, but Rob was finished talking to Wayne, anyway. He fished a packet of Winnie Blues from the front pocket of his work overalls and went outside to be alone with his thoughts.
Mandy lifted her eyes to meet the blue eyes of the vet’s assistant. He was smiling at her! She gave him what she thought probably passed for a weak smile due to her grief, then stared down at the scarred linoleum again. Why couldn’t she be more like Percy, and just flirt with the guy? Why did she have to be so damned shy?!
A half an hour later, the vet herself entered the hallway. She had taken off her gloves and mask. Her eyes looked sad. ‘I’m sorry, Mr Baxter’ she said. ‘There was nothing else we could do. And with his advanced age…’
‘It’s okay’. Rob said. ‘You did your best’.
It was a sad night around the Baxter dinner table. Rob couldn’t eat, Cheryl had her aunt’s funeral the next day and was silently gearing herself up for that; and Wayne was suffering from guilt for running over the dog. ‘I can’t eat’ he announced, and pushed his plate away, getting up from the table and slamming the kitchen door behind him. Shane pushed his peas around his plate, oddly, not thinking about Bud at all. He was itching to check his emails. Mandy was thinking about the opposite sex as well. She was planning on getting herself a guinea pig or a kitten, so she’d have a reason to visit the vet!

Shane raced into the family room after dinner, hoping to get to the computer before Mandy hogged it. He connected to the internet and opened his email account. There is was. A letter from Persephone. Right above a message from Ebay. What the? Shane thought. Dad doesn’t like to buy stuff online. Who can that be for?
Out of curiosity, although his heart was begging him to read Percy’s letter first, he clicked on the Ebay link.
“Hi” said the message. “You are the highest bidder in the running for Cherry’s virginity. You will be notified if you are the winner. Thank you from the administrators of Ebay”.
Shane stared at the message. No way, he thought. How can 100 bucks be the highest bid for something like that? Unless everyone knew this was a scam and no one else put in a bid. That was probably it. Damn, he thought. What a waste of a hundred bucks! She’s probably like, fifty years old and is so ugly no one else wanted to take a crack at her! No way that photo was really her. And even worse… What if she wasn’t even female?!
Shane decided to delete the email and not tell Scott. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him; he reasoned. Now, for the real business!
He deleted the email and clicked on Percy’s.
“Hi” it said, with a cute little blushing emoticon beside the word “hi”.
I’m sorry we didn’t get to finish what we started, the other night. Guess we’ll have to organise things so that Mandy won’t interrupt. If you want to, no one’s going to be home after school tomorrow. Come over? Let me know ASAP. From Persephone XXO
Shane’s heartbeat started to gallop. Home? Alone? With a girl? An older girl?
Oh my God, he thought, excited. I could be a total legend at school if I don’t stuff this up!
He quickly typed back “I wouldn’t miss it”; then erased it because it sounded too eager, and wrote, “Cya there”.

Cheryl arrived at the chapel of Affordable Funerals dressed in the outfit her Aunt Mavis had always said suited her – a drop waist, eighties style dress in navy blue satin with a silver brooch on the lapel. Cheryl felt like it was a bit dated but if her Aunt Mavis was watching she’d be happy she was wearing it for her, she reasoned. Cheryl was very superstitious about these things. She took a seat beside her blind and partially deaf Aunt Rita.
‘Who’s that?’ Rita asked, at the top of her voice.
‘Oh for God’s sake, Rita, keep your voice down’ Cheryl said, irritably.
‘Oh it’s you, Cheryl. You’re not wearing the perfume you normally wear’.
‘That’s because they ran out’ Cheryl snapped. ‘Is there a viewing?’
‘In the other room over there’ Rita said, pointing her cane toward a vase of flowers by the wall. She wasn’t far wrong. Another twenty degrees with her cane and she would have nailed it. And probably nailed Uncle Ned, too, who was standing in the aisle, helping his elderly mother to her seat. Can’t believe that old bird is still alive and Mavis is dead, Cheryl thought. She must be a hundred and three! For Christ’s sake woman, any more wrinkles and the mortician will mistake you for a Sharpei and bury you in a pet’s cemetery!
‘Are you giving the eulogy?’ Rita asked. ‘You always were good at talking’.
‘Gee, thanks, Rita’ Cheryl grumbled. ‘No. No one asked me to. Which I have to say, is typical’.
‘Ah well, you can probably get up and say yer piece anyway’ Rita said. ‘They let anyone do that at these things. Trust me, I’ve been to a few’.
‘Yeah so have I’ Cheryl said. ‘Rob’s family were dropping like flies, a few years back’
‘Are you going to the viewing?’ Rita asked. ‘I would, but there’s not much point, obviously’.
‘Obviously’ Cheryl repeated. ‘Yeah, I’ll go, and I’ll give you a rundown on what she’s wearing. Who dressed her, by the way?’
‘Oh, Lavinia, who else? She’s probably in that awful cheap pantsuit she got for half price at David Jones. I always told her, her butt looked big in it’.
‘How do you know what she looked like in it?’ Cheryl asked.
‘I wasn’t always legally blind, you know’ Rita reminded her. ‘Might have carried this damn stick for twenty years but I could see as well as you, once! And my sister has had that lavender pantsuit in her wardrobe for thirty god forsaken years!’
‘And it still fits her?’ Cheryl marvelled.
Rita shrugged. ‘Even if it didn’t, Lavinia would make it fit. She’s been a right pain in the arse the last couple of days. Say, how come you weren’t at the hospital?’
‘Because no one told me, that’s why’ Cheryl snapped. ‘Oh, speak of the devil! She’s just come out of the viewing room. If I end up in the lockup for assault, will you bail me out?’
‘Don’t count on it, sugar’ Rita said. ‘I just spent half my pension at Bingo’.
‘Lavinia’ Cheryl said, greeting her cousin with narrowed eyes and forced civility.
‘Cheryl’ Lavinia said, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder and looking distinctly uncomfortable. ‘How are you?’
‘How do you think I am, you…’
‘Uh-uh’ Cheryl felt a hand at her elbow. It was her husband, who had disappeared to talk to her cousin Pete about god only knew what.
‘Be nice, ladies’ Rob said, winking at Lavinia, who’d long harboured a crush on her cousin’s man. And Cheryl knew it. ‘Lavinia, love, you’re looking… well’.
‘Thank you, Rob! I could say the same, except I heard about poor Bud…’
Cheryl left the two of them to chat and went inside the viewing room. It was nice in there, just the right temperature and there were gardenias – Mavis’s favourite flower – in every vase. The casket sat on a trolley in front of her and she almost didn’t have the courage to go to it. It just didn’t seem real.
Sighing, she gathered her resolve and walked over to the coffin. Rita was right. Mavis was wearing the garish lavender pantsuit. How could Lavinia do this to her mother, she wondered. That suit always looked hideous on her, with her skin tone!
But the undertakers had done an excellent job. Aunt Mavis looked like she was having a peaceful nap. Cheryl felt like she might sit up at any moment and ask her for a lighter, something she did a lot in life. Mavis never had her own cigarette lighter.
‘I’ll speak for you, Old Bird’ she said, calling Mavis by the pet name she’d given her in life. ‘I’ll get up and say something whether they like it or not!’

Meanwhile, Shane had ditched the last period of school to walk to Persephone’s house. His heart in his mouth, he waited until he saw her walk around the corner, her bag on her back and her collar-length dark hair in quirky little pigtails all over her head. She looked cute, in an oddball sort of way. ‘Hi’ she called, as she got to the gate. ‘You could have sat on the porch, you know. You didn’t have to stand around’.
Shane shrugged, shyly. ‘I don’t mind’ he said. Persephone walked over to him, kissed him on the cheek, and took his hand, with a grin. ‘My room’ she said, taking her keys out of her blazer pocket. Shane blushed. ‘Um… Okay. If you’re sure no one will catch us’.
‘No one will be home til later’ Persephone promised. ‘Are you gonna chicken out on me?’
‘No’ said Shane, quickly.
‘Well then’ Percy said, grinning. ‘What are we waiting for?’

Next…

Cheryl battles her cousin for a piece of her aunt’s estate; Mandy adopts a kitten and Wayne tries to make it up to his Dad… But does he get the response he’s looking for?

_________________
A Pie for Life.
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address  
sam. Capricorn

formally known as BRoDieZ^BaBY


Joined: 01 Oct 2003
Location: Sydenham

PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:12 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

geez.
_________________
Sam
"I've had enough of having nothing, I won't take just anything. I got my mind set on something, all I want is everything. All I want is everything."
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger  
mel_kay39 

PIES PREMIERS 2010


Joined: 28 Aug 2007
Location: www.webs.com/mel_y_kay

PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:12 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

LMAO... I'm sure it would have been useful information to a three year old!

A couple of women at work crack me up. They reckon I should give bingo a go when I'm anti gambling (it's just throwing money away, to me) and they said I should start smoking so I can go and have a puff with them on their smokos. Like I'd take up a forty dollar a week habit just so I can go and smoke out by the recycling bins. Pathetic.

_________________
A Pie for Life.
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address  
sam. Capricorn

formally known as BRoDieZ^BaBY


Joined: 01 Oct 2003
Location: Sydenham

PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 2:01 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

yeah bingo is great.
_________________
Sam
"I've had enough of having nothing, I won't take just anything. I got my mind set on something, all I want is everything. All I want is everything."
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger  
mel_kay39 

PIES PREMIERS 2010


Joined: 28 Aug 2007
Location: www.webs.com/mel_y_kay

PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 9:51 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Nah. Went to bingo with my nan years ago. Spent twenty bucks and didn't win anything. Not exactly my fave way to spend time. Might as well throw money at my rubbish bin and see if I get a hole in one, LOL.
_________________
A Pie for Life.
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address  
mel_kay39 

PIES PREMIERS 2010


Joined: 28 Aug 2007
Location: www.webs.com/mel_y_kay

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 1:03 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Over the Unemployables. Maybe will post more on my own website
www.freewebs.com/mel_y_kay but will not be posting any more eps to Nicks. Sorry. But for my newest story check the above website and click on Dead Famous. It's murder, it's mystery, it's what happens when you mix the mysterious deaths of Heath Ledger and Michael Hutchence in one grisly afternoon of suspected drug overdose and debauchery.

_________________
A Pie for Life.
Back to top  
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address  
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Nick's Collingwood Bulletin Board Forum Index -> Chicks Channel All times are GMT + 11 Hours

Goto page Previous  1, 2
Page 2 of 2   

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum



Privacy Policy

Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group