The Unemployables

[mel_kay39]

Kind of like the Incredibles, only... Not.

The Unemployables

This is the story of a family like one you might know. They’re in every suburb, every town; every rural backwater shit-hole this side of the Equator (especially Colac). They’re the kind of people you sit next to on the bus, as they’re on their weekly pilgrimage to Centrelink; or the people who stand in line in front of you at the supermarket checkout, arguing with the checkout chick about the six pack of beer they’re trying to buy with food vouchers.
The Baxters live in a semi-detached commission house, five of them squished into a three bedroom house. The father, Robbo, is a former garbologist forced to give up work due to a bad back (all he did was drive the truck) and living on the disability pension, even though he does the odd job for mates, cash in hand. He’s in his mid-forties, balding, with perpetual stubble and cultivating a nice beer gut. The mother of the family is Cheryl, a hard-drinking, chain-smoking woman who complains of the arthritis in her hands daily, yet spends hours on end at the Tabaret, pulling on the levers on those poker machines. She says she can’t work due to her bad hands. She has two sons, Wayne and Shane, and a daughter, Mandy. Wayne, the eldest, is right in there with the local gang of thugs, stealing from cars and committing muggings on old ladies. He’s 21, has had a string of girlfriends and thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He’s been in juvenile detention five times and likes to boast about it. He can break into and steal a car in sixty seconds, just like the movie, and can get your bra off in a quarter of that time. Even if you’re wearing clothes over it.
Shane, 14, is the do-gooder in the family. Well, there has to be one in every bunch. He makes sure he does his homework every night, helps his mother cook tea (because she can’t manage with her arthritis) and even puts the garbage out. His father jokes that he’s gonna be a garbo just like his dad. Shane wants to be a Salvation Army Officer. Mandy is her daddy’s girl. She’s slightly chubby, has white blonde hair which she wears up in girlish pigtails even though she’s sixteen years old. She likes to get her own way with her parents and always gets Shane into trouble. She’s always crushing on someone, whether it be a celebrity, a football player or even one of her teachers. But she’s never even been kissed.
Life for the Baxters is not all beer and skittles. Dad Robbo likes to play cricket too. Bowling and cricket are his two big passions. Along with his dopey Staffordshire terrier cross, Bud (named after the beer, of course) who follows him everywhere. Bud has only three legs because when Robbo was on the garbage run his truck accidentally hit the dog while it was running along beside it. The dog has been close to death eight times. It has a chip in its head, a fake eye and a colostomy bag, not to mention the missing leg. But Bud still faithfully follows Robbo around like a deluded cult member.
Yes, this is the life and crimes of the Baxters. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll feel like they’re so real you’ll want to dob them into Centrelink….


Episode One

You don’t f**k with Centrelink, Centrelink f**ks with you!

‘Ay Shane, are you going down to the shops?’ yelled Cheryl. ‘Kin you get us a bottle of aspirin, mate? Me arthritis is kickin’ up, real bad’.
‘Yeah, all right Mum’ Shane said, sighing and putting his pen down. He wasn’t actually going down to the shop at all, but once Mum asks, she never gives up. She’ll hound you into your grave. And if you don’t end up going, she’ll put a massive guilt trip on you. So it was just easier to go.
‘Get us some coffee while you’re at it’ Cheryl said, pulling out a fiver from her purse. ‘That’s not enough, Mum’ Shane said. ‘I’ll need at least ten’.
‘Oh, all right’ Cheryl sighed. ‘But that’s me last ten till payday, so I want the change back’.
‘Well, what am I going to do with the whole two dollars that’ll be left over?’ Shane grumbled. ‘Buy a comic book?’
‘That’s enough of your smart mouth’ Cheryl said. ‘And hurry along, ‘cause if me hands get any worse I’m gonna take to ‘em with the meat cleaver’.
‘Then how come did you go to Tabaret this morning?’ Shane challenged her. ‘That’s probably why they hurt, Mum’.
‘Never you mind what I do with my time, laddie! I’ve got to do something to fill in me hours! Can’t do anything with these mitts; so I’ve got to go to the pokies or else die of boredom’.
‘You could get a hobby’ Shane suggested, but got such a look of disgust that he immediately dropped the subject and backed out the kitchen door!
‘Ullo, love’ Robbo said, walking into the kitchen from the laundry. ‘The kettle on?’
‘Not since this morning’ Cheryl said, barely looking at her common-law husband. He was poking his head in the fridge, as usual. ‘Will you shut that bloody fridge door, you’re lettin’ all the cold air out’ Cheryl grumbled as she flicked through the paper. ‘Damn paper, they’ve never got anything good in it’.
‘What are you looking for?’ Robbo asked. ‘Not a job?!’
‘What?! What the blue-blazes would I be lookin’ for a job for? Nah, I’m looking for one of those Cuisine Art thingies in the For Sale section. You know; the slice’n’ dice thingies?’
‘A food processor, Mum’ Mandy said, coming into the room with her school uniform still on. School ended hours ago but Mandy couldn’t be bothered getting changed.
‘Yeah, one of them. What with me hands and all it’ll be easier to make dinner’.
‘Bags not me to clean it’ Mandy said. ‘Did you hear about the guy who cleaned his Sunbeam food processor, and he forgot to turn it off first, and…’
‘I don’t want to know’ Cheryl interrupted. ‘Have you done your homework?’
‘Didn’t have any’ Mandy replied. ‘You know what, though? Got a letter from Centrelink today. I have to apply for Austudy ‘cause I’m sixteen’.
‘Oh bloody hell!’ swore Cheryl. ‘That means I lose the Family Tax Benefit!’
‘No you don’t, Mum’ Mandy said. ‘Shane’s still a dependant’.
‘Oh yeah’ Cheryl said, smiling again. Then the smile turned to a frown. ‘But I still lose some money. That’s it girl, when you get Austudy you’re gonna have to start earning your keep around here, not just sitting around like a whale up the duff’.
‘Aw Mum! That money’s meant to be for me, for school’ Mandy whinged.
‘I didn’t say I was taking any money off you! What do you think I am; a tax collector? I just meant… Oh, hang on… Now that you mention it… I reckon you should start paying board’.
‘Board?’ Screeched Mandy. ‘But only backpackers and hippies pay board! I was going to buy a Blackberry with the money’.
‘What do you want one of those for? You have to have friends to use one of those!’ Cheryl said. ‘All you’ve got is that dopey bird Persephone. I mean, what kind of a name is Persephone, anyway?’
‘Her brother’s name is Xerxes’ Mandy replied, unhelpfully.
‘Yeah well, I think that mother of theirs smoked a few too many doobies when she was in the family way, if you know what I mean! I think forty dollars a fortnight is a decent amount of board. That ought to cover food, utilities…’
‘Aw mum! What if I only get 200 a fortnight? That’s almost a whole quarter of my pay check, gone! You may as well throw it in the bin. You’ll probably piss it away on the pokies, anyway’.
‘I will not! And don’t you dare cast aspirations on my character!’
‘Aspersions, love’ Robbo said, from deep within the fridge.
‘Yeah, well, whatever. Anyway, that’s it. Forty bucks a fortnight, in my pocket, and that’ll help with the groceries’.
‘And your precious Winnie Blues’ Mandy mumbled, grabbing a Rollup from the pantry. She avoided her mother’s evil eye and headed back up to her room, smirking as she heard her mother whinge about young people these days. Why doesn’t Wayne pay board? She wondered. He gets the Dole! It’s probably because he’s a boy. Boys get all the breaks. They don’t have to get their rag, they don’t have bitches like Anna Rexopolous busting their hump for sitting in the wrong part of the schoolyard at lunchtime, and worst of all, they don’t have to wear these stupid itchy kilts!

Meanwhile, Wayne, the older, supposedly good-looking Baxter sibling, was walking down to the local dole office. He couldn’t drive today because his souped-up Commodore was languishing in the impound lot. He’d been busted for drag racing at Kev’s Car Park in town, doing burnouts and generally making a nuisance of himself. If he didn’t pay 160 dollars to get it out, it would stay there all weekend. He couldn’t have that, so there went half his dole money. Bloody cops, he thought, as he kicked a stone along the ground. Why don’t they do something useful, like stopping all the violence after 2am lockout?
Why did they have to pick on him and his mates? They weren’t hurting anyone! Okay, a few plants got trampled in the rush of doing donuts too close to the council’s floral display on the roundabout, but the plants were casualties of war, mate, he’d told his friend Davo. Casualties of War! It was one of his favourite sayings, after watching Platoon for the seventh time in one drug-fuelled weekend.
He rocked up at Centrelink just before it was due to close. There was a line at the Form Lodgement Desk as usual. Those bozos wouldn’t work in an iron lung. Soon as look at you, they’d turn, put the screensavers up on their computers and pretend to have some super-important photocopying to do. Anything to avoid actually serving customers, or clients, or whatever they like to call us!
He spotted his mate Darren at the touch-screens. ‘What up, Bro?’ he asked, moseying on over to see what jobs Daz was pretending to apply for.
‘Nothin’ much, mate’ Darren said, his usual Chupachup stick hanging out his gob. The bloke was trying to withdraw from smack so he kept up a steady stream of lollipops, boiled lollies and basically anything to tame the sweet cravings he got 24/7. Daz was almost as skinny as a Chupachup stick, too. All arms and legs, with a skinny horse-like face from not getting braces when he was a kid, and a half-arsed mullet on top. Needless to say, girls didn’t really go for The Daz; as he called himself. So Darren tended to hang around Wayne in the hope of copping some of his run-off. In general, if there were two chicks looking for a good night, the good-looker would hone in on Wayne because he vaguely resembled Cooper Cronk (after they’d downed a few and had put on their beer goggles), and the plainer one would settle for Daz, all the while glancing over at her more aesthetically pleasing mate with a look of envy on her dial. Of course, her mate would be firmly stuck to Wayne’s face, by this point!
‘Anything good?’
‘Is there ever?’ Daz replied. ‘Everything sounds like too much hard work, mate! Look at this… bricklayer’s apprenticeship. How f**ked up is that. A tool could lay a brick. Why do you need a traineeship for it?’
‘So why don’t you apply for it? You’d be the perfect fit’ Wayne joked.
‘Nah, mate’ Daz said, either not getting the joke or brushing it off because he was used to it from Wayne. ‘Like I said, too much like hard work! 8am starts! I think me ole ma would have a coronary if I got up before eleven’.
Wayne laughed. ‘Yeah well… I better apply for something or I’ll have nothing to put on me form’.
‘You know you actually have to send an application’ Daz said, grinning. ‘You don’t just print these little things out and write down the company’s name and phone number’.
‘Why the hell not?’ Wayne asked. ‘Works for me’. He leaned in closer to his friend so he wouldn’t be overheard. ‘Those turds at the desk don’t actually check whether you’ve gone for any of those jobs! They look at them, stamp ‘em, stick ‘em in a pile and say “F**k you very much, see you in two weeks’.
Darren laughed so loud the girls in the general enquiry queue sniggered amongst themselves. ‘Stuck up cows’ Darren observed. ‘Bet any of them wouldn’t kick me out of bed if they were really desperate’.
Wayne grinned. ‘Mate, the kind of blokes that lot would go out with, you’d have to pay them to look at you twice’.
‘Gee, thanks, mate’ Daz sulked. ‘Why are they in here, then, if they’ve got such high class boyfriends?’ He looked over at the girls. There were three of them, all decked out in tight jeans, tiny t-shirts and black parkas with fur around the hoods. The blonde was hot as; with eyes like Scarlett Johanssen and a pierced bellybutton under her “Cheer up Emo Kid” t-shirt; the red-head had curls but her face wasn’t half bad; and the brunette was like Winona Ryder on crack. Astonishingly beautiful but not-so-astonishingly brain-dead. You could tell by the way she tried to answer her phone without flipping the cover open first. She stopped, stared at her phone, then went ‘Aah’ like a light went on, and pressed the button to open the phone and take the call. Wayne rolled his eyes.
Daz giggled like a schoolgirl. ‘Sounds like the start of a dirty joke’ he said to Wayne. ‘There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in a bar…’
‘Except they’re not in a bar, they’re in Centrelink’ Wayne pointed out.
‘Yeah well, a bloke can dream, can’t he?’ Darren replied. ‘Especially if they are sooo out of his league as his mate so kindly pointed out!’
‘I was just kidding’ Wayne said.
‘Oh no you weren’t’ Darren reminded him.
‘I suppose I’d better line up’ Wayne said, ‘Or I’ll never get me dole tomorrow. Not that it’s gonna amount to much. Can you believe the cops are sticking me a hundred and sixty bucks to get me car back?’
‘W-w-w-whoa! Hold on there! Look who’s on her way over’ Darren interrupted. Wayne pulled a printout from the machine and looked in the direction Daz was nodding in.
‘Holy shit’ he breathed. ‘The blonde’s coming over here?!’
Darren looked behind them. ‘Seems like it’ he said.
‘Hi’ the blonde said, smiling prettily at them. She batted her eyelashes at the boys. Wayne felt his boxers get tighter, instantly. ‘G’day’ he said. ‘How are ya?’
‘I’m good’ the girl said. ‘Don’t you recognise me, though?’
‘Oh! Oh… I know who you are’ Darren said, clicking his fingers. ‘You’re that angel I saw last time I got high!’
Wayne gave him a monstrous elbow in the ribs. ‘He’s just kidding’ he said. ‘Not that you’re not drop dead gorgeous, ‘cause you are, but he turns into a real knob when he gets around good looking women’.
‘That’s funny’ the girl said, ‘I thought he looked like the type to be a real knob all the time’.
‘Haha’ Darren replied, sarcastically. He turned his attention to the touch-screen again, having given up on this one. Wayne hadn’t though. ‘Am I supposed to recognise you?’
He asked. ‘You’d think I’d remember a beauty like you!’
‘Yeah, you would, wouldn’t you’ the girl said, a perfectly manicured finger on her chin.
‘Especially when you made a habit of calling me Thunder Thighs at school, and stole my snack every day because you said I didn’t need to put on any more weight’.
‘I did that?’ Wayne asked, incredulous. ‘When were you fat?’
‘In high school, you moron’ the girl said. ‘Remember Hurricane Katrina? Well, that was me. You said I caused destruction wherever I went. The Richter Scale broke when I walked down the hall, according to the “studly Wayne Baxter”. You made my life hell for six years in a row. And you know what, Wayne?’ She asked, pouting her perfect lips at him.
‘Uh… no’ Wayne stammered, completely thrown at her revelation. This was Hurricane Katrina? Old Thunder Thighs? The great myopic rhino? ‘Where’s the glasses?’
‘What?’
‘Didn’t you wear glasses? Great coke bottle bottoms, too’ Wayne said.
‘Contacts, you gimp! Jesus, what century are you in?’ Katrina asked. ‘You’re still wearing acidwash jeans!’
‘These things?’ Wayne asked, hurt. ‘What’s wrong with me acidwashes?’
‘Oh nothing’ Katrina giggled. ‘If you’re going to an 80’s theme fancy dress party!’
That even got a chuckle from Darren. Wayne felt like slapping him upside the head, but felt he was already getting the short end of the stick as far as first (or second, or third) impressions went. Violence never solved anything. Unless there was money to be won/bet/made; and there were no chicks around.
‘Anyway, Wayne, do you know what I’ve learned in the years between now and high school? Apart from how to count calories, obviously?’
‘No’ Wayne said, dumbfounded. He was still getting over the fact that this was the girl he tortured on a daily basis. Guess she won’t be coming to check out the van, he thought. She would have put half the chicks on its walls to shame!
‘I learned that people get what’s coming to them’ Katrina said, smiling, this time not so sweetly. ‘The geeks get rich, the nice kids get married to decent people and end up middle class, and the losers – like you and your scum-of-the-earth mates – end up in the dole queue’.
‘Um… Katrina?’ Wayne said, as she was walking away. ‘Aren’t you in the dole queue?’
‘Actually, no’ she said. ‘I’m in the General Inquiry queue. That means if I need to ask a question about my grandma’s pension with her permission, I can, without suffering the embarrassment of standing waiting for someone to stamp my form so I can pay my dealer’.
‘Hey’ Darren called after her. ‘I’ve kicked the habit, thank you very much!’
‘Jeez! Advertise it, why don’t you?’ Wayne hissed. ‘Look, we’re next’.
Just as they got to the front of the line, the frumpy woman in burnt orange behind the desk put a sign up saying “Centrelink is now closed. Please come back at 9am tomorrow or the next working day”.
‘F**k!’ Wayne exploded. ‘Bloody women!’


Shane sauntered back into the kitchen, a small jar of coffee and a bottle of aspirin in his hands. He put them on the table in front of his mother, who was sitting exactly where she was when he left the house half an hour ago. ‘What’s for tea?’ he asked, not expecting a thank you. Thank you’s were reserved for Wayne the Great and Mandy the Spoiled. He was just the put-upon middle child.
‘About time you got home. Was about to call Missing Persons’ his mother joked. ‘What took you so long?’
‘I didn’t ride my bike. Tyre’s flat’ Shane announced. ‘I walked’.
‘You walked all the way down to the highway at this time of night?’ Cheryl asked. ‘Anything could have happened to you. Do you know paedophiles drive up and down the M1 just looking for silly teenagers to pick up?’
‘Mum, I wasn’t hitch-hiking. Anyway, why would they pick me up? I’m not exactly a Bill Hinson exhibit’ Shane said. ‘I don’t look like a girl. Don’t those child molesters like boys who look like girls?’
‘I don’t know. Don’t ask me to get into their grubby little minds! Just don’t do it again! If you need to go down the shop get Dad to give you a lift’.
‘Okay, okay’ Shane sighed. ‘I’m going to go and do homework’.
‘Didn’t you do homework when you got home?’ Cheryl asked.
‘Yeah, why?’
‘Well, you deserve a break! Have a break! Go and watch… I don’t know; whatever’s on. Big Brother’.
‘Mum, Big Brother is rubbish-filled tripe dished out to the mindless masses’ Shane said. ‘It’s marketed to the lowest common denominator. It’s…’
‘Hey Mandy!’ Cheryl yelled, looking at her digital watch. ‘It’s time for Big Brother! Come on! That dancing midget’s gonna play tonsil hockey with the bricklayer’.
Shane rolled his eyes. I rest my case, he thought, as he went back upstairs to finish his algebra homework.


Stay tuned for the next episode, where Mandy gets a secret admirer and Cheryl and Robbo have a night out… at Disco Bowling!

[Magpie Girl]

Hahahaha..... That's so good!!
It feels like you've taken a heap of people I know & put them all together in the one family.... lol

[bellastar]

You don’t f**k with Centrelink, Centrelink f**ks with you!

Truer words have never been spoken

[mel_kay39]

Episode Two

Date Night

‘Aw love, you don’t have ta!’ Exclaimed Cheryl as Robbo went down on one knee on their anniversary. ‘You’ll do in your knee again’.
‘Don’t worry about me, Foxy Lady’ Robbo replied. ‘I’ve had four muscle relaxants. I’m ready for business! I’m taking you out tonight, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it’.
Mandy rolled her eyes. It was Thursday night at the dinner table in front of the Big Brother Daily Show and as usual, Mum and Dad were ruining it. Mandy had the hots for the vocal virgin, Travis, and all the olds could dwas waffle on about their date that night. It was sickening, quite frankly. ‘Shutup!’ She whinged. ‘I can’t hear the TV!‘Oh Mandy, I think you can go five minutes without watching Big Brother’ Shane said, and ducked as a potato gem flew across the table at him. He then grabbed a gem of his own and took aim, then hit his sister square on the nose!
‘Mum, Shane’s throwing his food around’ Mandy said, immediately.
‘Shane, stop playing with your food’
‘Aw Mum, she threw one at me first’
‘Don’t lie; Shane’.
‘She did! Why do you never see what she does? I’m the one who always gets into trouble!’ Shane protested.
‘Because you’re the one we catch’ Robbo replied. ‘You’ve got to be a bit more crafty about it, son! Women have got eyes in the backs of their heads’.
‘Then why doesn’t Mum catch Mandy?’ Shane shot back.
‘That’s enough out of you!’ Cheryl snapped. ‘One more comment and there’ll be no dessert’.
‘What’s for dessert, Mum?’ Mandy asked.
‘Chocolate Bavarian. It was on sale at Coles. Three dollars eighty’ Cheryl said, getting a nod of approval from her husband.
‘Good thing Wayne’s not here’ Mandy said. ‘He’s missing out’.
‘Oh no he’s not’ Cheryl said. ‘I’ll save him some’.
‘That’s not fair!’ Mandy cried. ‘He’s late for dinner and still gets dessert!’
‘It’s not like you need any more dessert’ Cheryl pointed out. ‘I had to alter your summer uniform, remember? Put on any more weight and we’ll have to send you to Fat Camp’.
‘Mum!’ Mandy shouted, indignantly. ‘Mrs Bumstead says our parents have to be positive role models and not put us down! She says bigger is better’.
‘Yes well, with a name like Bumstead I don’t think she should be giving out advice’ Cheryl said. ‘Anyway, chickadees, your father and I have an announcement. We’re going out after tea, so Wayne will be home to look after you. Be good kids and get to bed early won’t you?’
‘Aw, last time Wayne looked after us he made me polish his steel capped boots. He said they have to be so clean he could see his face in ‘em. He never even shows up for Work for the Dole!’ Shane sighed. ‘Why can’t we look after ourselves? We’re old enough not to need babysitters!’
‘Hm… Well, we’ll see about that. Robert, for God’s sake stop feeding that mangy mutt scraps under the table! I fed him his Pal half an hour ago’.
‘Yeah but love, he likes his lamb shanks’ Robbo said, then caught the evil eye from his wife and sighed. ‘Come on, Budweiser! It’s out to the laundry for you, mate! The Missus says so!’ Bud awkwardly lifted himself from the floor beside Robbo’s chair and faithfully trotted after his master, who dangled a lamb cutlet in front of his nose. Poor Bud was half blind and had terrible depth perception so the smell of the meat was the only thing that got him to the laundry door without running headlong into the fridge or pantry.
‘I swear, that animal’s got nine lives’ Cheryl said, shaking her head in wonder. ‘We should have called him Rasputin’.
Just then Wayne sauntered through the door, a skinny (and skanky, thought Mandy) blonde on his arm. ‘G-day everyone’ he said. ‘Mum is there room for one more? This is Christine’.
‘Well, no actually, but you can heat up some sausage rolls if you like. Your father and I are going out, remember? Make sure you stay home and keep an eye on Shane and Mandy. Hello, Christine, by the way… I don’t mean to be rude, love, but tonight is a very special night. Wayne’s father and I have been living together for twenty years today! Imagine that! I was six months pregnant with this one here when Robert got down on knee and asked me to move in with him. We never had enough money to get married proper, so…’
‘Mum’ Wayne moaned. ‘Do we have to have the same story over again? We’ve heard it a billion bloody times! You moved in together, found out you were going to have a boy so you painted the spare room blue. Blah-blah-blah. Then you got kicked out of the flat you were in ‘cause you were renting and didn’t have permission to change the colour scheme, so you had to move in with Gran and Gramps til the Housing Commission gave you this place. Real nice story. Very uplifting. Guess what?’
‘What?’ His mother and father said in unison.
‘I think I might have a job working for Christine’s Dad. He’s a plumber. He might take me on as an apprentice’.
‘You? A plumber?’ Robbo asked, incredulous. ‘You wouldn’t even unplug the dunny last time you clogged it up!’ He laughed, uproariously.
‘Gee, Dad, thanks for you support’ Wayne said. ‘I reckon I’d make a great plumber’.
‘You’d have the plumber’s crack down, that’s for sure’ Robbo said, wiping his eyes.
‘Don’t know about actually turning up for work though’.
‘I’ll show you!’ Wayne said, defiantly. ‘I bet I last a whole week!’
‘I’ll take that bet’ Robbo replied.
‘They’re always like this’ Shane explained to a bored looking Christine, who shrugged and said ‘I care’.
‘So where did you two meet, Christine?’ Cheryl asked her son’s girlfriend in an effort to be polite.
‘At the fish and chip shop this arvo. I work there’ Christine said.
‘Is that right, love? You just met today?’
‘Fast work, tiger’ Robbo said, giving his son a wink. ‘How did you manage to pull a chick and a job at the same time?’
‘She was ready to take down my order but I gave her my phone number instead’ Wayne said, obviously proud of his chick-pulling efforts. ‘Before she knew it she was introducing me to her Dad’.
‘That’s my boy’ Robbo said, proudly. ‘A real Lady’s man; like his old man’.
‘Okay Robert, you lady’s man, you, it’s time to take me out on our date’ Cheryl said. ‘Have a good time, kids, and behave yourselves’.
‘We will’ said Shane.
‘Hey, speak for yourself’ said Wayne, and starting necking Christine before his parents had even walked out the door.

‘So what’s this mysterious date, Robert Orville Baxter?’ Cheryl asked, pulling her bright pink pashmina around her skinny shoulders. ‘It’s bloody cold out, tonight’.
‘You’ll see’ Promised her husband. ‘Top grade entertainment, I promise’.
‘Oh! Fantastic! Can’t wait’ said Cheryl. ‘Do I have to close my eyes?’
‘Yep’ Robbo said. ‘But not til we get round the corner from where we’re going’.
He led Cheryl right to the front door of the mystery venue then took his hand away from her eyes. ‘Open’ he instructed.
Cheryl’s eyes open and her jaw went slack. ‘Disco Bowling?’ She said, incredulously.
‘Your idea of a top night out is Disco Bowling?’
‘Yeah. What’s wrong with that?’
‘What’s right with it? When I said I was a cheap date I didn’t mean you only had to spend nine bucks fifty! I want romance, Robert! Not a pair of bowling shoes and two hours of watching you try to beat your best score’.
‘Well, okay, what would you prefer?’ he asked.
‘Well, a movie, or maybe a night at the pokies…’
Her husband sighed. ‘You already spent our grocery money at the Tabaret this week! I was trying to think of something we could do together’.
‘Like watch a movie’
‘We watch movies at home all the time’
‘Well, this will be a treat then. We get to watch a movie with a bunch of strangers’ Cheryl insisted. ‘I really want to see that new Hugh Jackman one’.
Robert sighed. ‘Yeah I bet you do. All right, Hugh Jackman it is. But if you drool, I’m gonna tax you some popcorn’.

‘Give the remote, Shane!’
‘Piss off, Mandy!’
‘Oi, give her the remote, Nerd Boy’ Wayne said, as he took a quick break from making out with Christine on the couch.
‘She gets to watch what she wants all the time! I want to watch Transformers!’ Shane yelled.
The phone rang before Wayne could say anything. ‘That’s for me’ Mandy said, jumping up and running into the kitchen.
‘Hello?’ she asked, trying to disguise the fact that she was breathless just running into the next room.
‘Is this Mandy?’ said a deep, yet somewhat familiar voice.
‘Yes. Who is this?’
‘This is Carl Andrews. From school?’
Mandy couldn’t believe her ears. Carl Andrews, the six foot four captain of the basketball team was ringing her? What on earth for?!
‘Uh… Okay’ Mandy said, chewing on the end of her pigtail nervously. ‘What do you want?’
‘You’ Carl said. ‘Tomorrow. Behind the shelter sheds. You see, I’ve always had a thing for big girls, and Anna said you were hot for me, so I thought I’d give you a crack…’
‘Okay’ said Mandy, getting excited. ‘Before school or at lunch time?’
‘Both if you want’ Carl said, suggestively. ‘You might not know this, but I’m a renouned Chubby Chaser. I went after Janice Dixon last year and she had an arse like the back of a bus. So you see I’m not lying’.
Mandy wondered whether she was dreaming. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow then’; she giggled.
‘Yeah’ Carl said. ‘See you’.
Mandy put the phone down on its cradle and screamed at the top of her lungs. Of course it brought both her brothers and a vaguely annoyed Christine into the room to see what was wrong. ‘Carl Andrews wants to get it on with me behind the shelter sheds tomorrow’ she announced. ‘Me, can you believe it?’
‘Who’s Carl Andrews when he’s at home?’ Wayne asked.
‘He’s the most popular boy at school’ Shane told him. ‘Mands, can’t you see when you’re being had? They’re playing a trick on you’.
‘They are not!’ Mandy said. ‘He said he likes fat chicks’.
‘And have you ever seen him even talking to one in public?’ Shane asked.
Mandy had to think about that one. ‘Uh… No. But he said he got it on with Janice Dixon. And she’s the size of a house’.
‘She’s the size of an apartment block’ Shane agreed. ‘Which is why Carl wouldn’t be seen dead with her! I’m telling you now, Mandy – they’re setting you up. Don’t fall for it’.
‘Oh shut up’ Mandy said, nastily. ‘You just don’t want me to climb the social ladder. You’d be quite happy if I was just as geeky and unpopular as you’.
‘You are just as geeky and unpopular as me’ Shane replied.
‘Wayne! He’s being mean to me!’
‘Get over it Mandy. We’re going to my van. You two can fight amongst yourselves’ Wayne announced. Christine practically had her tongue in his ear.
Mandy sighed, tossed the remote back to Shane and said, ‘All right, loser, have it your way. Watch Transformers. I’m going upstairs to ring Percy. At least she’ll be happy for me’.
‘Your sister has a girlfriend called Percy?’ Mandy heard Christine say as she climbed the stairs to her room.
‘Persephone. Yeah I know. Hippy parents’ Wayne explained.
‘Her brother’s name is Xerxes’ Shane added.

Mandy flopped down on her bedspread, reached for her phone then hesitated. Looking over at her framed picture of her favourite Collingwood player, Tyson Goldsack, she picked up the frame and kissed Tyson lustily on the lips. ‘I love you Ty’ she said, ‘But I think Carl might have to take your place, soon’. She put the picture back up on the bedside table and grabbed her phone. Percy was on speed dial, of course. She answered on the second ring. ‘What is it, I’m busy’ she said.
‘How did you know it was me?’
‘I didn’t. But now, I do. So what’s up?’
‘Carl Andrews wants to get on with me behind the shelter sheds’.
‘Shut up!’
‘No, really’.
‘He’s having you on’ Percy said, and Mandy heard the tapping of her computer keys.
‘That’s what Shane said’ Mandy told her, a bit let down that her friend didn’t share her enthusiasm. ‘So you think he’s right?’
‘I wouldn’t put it past him. Carl, I mean, not Shane. You know your brother’s an evil genius in disguise. If he can see through Carl, why can’t you? Anna Rexia probably put him up to it’.
‘She wouldn’t’
‘She totally would’ Percy replied. ‘She hates your guts. God knows why. It’s not like you’re competition; or anything’.
‘Gee, thanks’ Mandy said. ‘I thought you were supposed to be my friend?’
‘I am. Real friends stop friends from making terrible mistakes. If you fall for this, it will be a terrible mistake, leading to unspeakable humiliation. You know I’m right’.
‘I’ve got to go’ Mandy said, glumly. ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow’.
‘Hey’ Percy said. ‘Are you mad?’
‘Why would I be mad?’ Mandy asked. ‘You’re probably right. I’m being stupid, as usual’.
‘Not stupid. Optimistic’ Percy tapped furiously at her keyboard. She must have me on speakerphone, Mandy realised. No way she could type that fast and hold the phone under her chin at the same time. ‘Are you doing homework?’ she asked.
‘Yeah! Like that’s ever gonna happen! I’m online, silly. Updating my Myspace blog’.
‘Of course’.
‘You should get one. A MySpace page, I mean. You can write whatever you want on them. Revenge fantasies. Evil smelling potions to banish your enemy. Or at least, make them smell really bad’.
‘I don’t have my own computer, remember. And the one we do have only has Dial Up access. It’s totally useless. And Shane’s on it all the time, anyway’ Mandy said. ‘He’d probably read my blog and make fun of me’.
‘Ah well, it’s your call. I’m gonna hang up now. As for your little situation, think on it. What’s more likely, that Carl wants to jump your bones, or that Anna-Rexia-Rexopolous is trying to make you the laughing stock of Whittington Secondary College?’
Mandy sighed. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’
‘Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel’ said Percy. The line went dead.

Next up…

Is Carl really setting Mandy up? And will Wayne last one day of honest hard work? Find out next time on… The Unemployables!

[Magpie Girl]

HAHA! Classic!

[mel_kay39]

Oh dear. That's disturbing! LOL...

[mel_kay39]

Oh that is priceless, Ash! LOL...

[b]Episode Three[/b]

Plumber’s Crack

‘Ah shit’ Wayne said, as he stood up and looked at the splinter in his thumb. ‘There’s a tree branch blocking this pipe and now I’ve gone and got a bloody splinter’.
‘Boo-hoo’ laughed his supervisor, Fred. Fred was a big bloke with a mo like Merv Hughes and a habit of scratching his arse with his wrench. Every time Fred would bend over Wayne would be subjected to four inches of plumber’s crack, complete with a couple of spots and a big old hairy mole. It was enough to make him want to bring up his lunch, if he’d brought any‘So, what’s happening for lunch?’ he had asked Fred at half past eleven. Then something happened he didn’t expect. Fred started laughing. Loudly and boisterously; with a bit of a snort thrown in for good measure. ‘Don’t know about your lunch, mate’ he chortled, ‘But the wife made me cabbage rolls. Just one of those and you blokes will be wanting to stand upwind of me for the rest of the day’.
Great, Wayne thought. Don’t we even get to go and buy lunch?
So at half past two, nearly quitting time, at least by Wayne’s watch, hungry, dirty and smelling like shit, Wayne was inches away from calling it quits. It was quite obvious that he didn’t have the stamina for this kind of work. His boss had him digging ditches and lugging rotted old terracotta pipes out of the trenches. The house they were working on was heritage listed and needed all its sewage pipes replaced. Wayne was completely buggered. He threw the last old pipe in the back of the truck then stretched his arms above his head. ‘You don’t think that’s the last of it today, do you mate?’ Fred asked, with a shit-eating grin on his face. ‘We’ve got another house after this one’.
‘Oh bloody hell’ Wayne groaned. ‘You’re kidding me!’
‘Nope’ Fred said. ‘And while you’re over there you can grab me tool box out of the cab. I’ll show you how to replace some washers’.

The morning had not gone well for Mandy, either. She turned up to her rendezvous with Carl early, only to find she was the first one there. So she raced to the girls’ loos and checked her makeup, hair etc one more time (even after checking it several times before she left the house, to the point where Shane was going mad, banging on the bathroom door) just to make sure she looked absolutely perfect for Carl. Then she went back to the bench behind the sheds that faced the oval, and sat down to wait for her Prince Charming to arrive.
When ten minutes had passed and the bell was about to go, Mandy looked at her watch. No, she thought. This can’t be right. He should be here by now! Or did he mean lunchtime? God I’m an idiot, she thought. He meant lunch time! Damn! She was looking forward to the beef and horseradish sandwiches her mother had made that morning. But there was nothing worse than kissing someone who had been eating garlic, onions or horseradish. So lunch was out.
‘Do you seriously think he’s going to turn up at lunch time?’ Percy asked her. They were getting their Maths books out of their locker for first period. Mandy frowned. ‘Jeez, way to be supportive! You’re supposed to be my friend’.
‘Yeah, and like I said last night, friends stop other friends from doing something stupid. So why don’t you come with me to band practice instead? Jeremy’s got this really cool new double bass…’
‘Hello Baxter’
The two friends turned and Percy groaned. ‘Why don’t you go and eat something, Anna? They don’t just call you Anna Rexia because of your name’.
‘Shut up, Hippy’ Anna said, and looked back at Mandy. ‘So, you ready for your big date at lunch time? Carl can’t wait’.
‘Really?’ Mandy asked, going red in the cheeks. ‘He can’t wait?’
Anna smiled smugly. ‘Of course not. He’s big on fat chicks. Why do you think he dumped me last year? I lost ten kilos! He’s really into you, Baxter’.
‘Why are you doing this?’ Percy asked her, crossing her arms over her chest. ‘You’re planning on embarrassing Mandy, aren’t you? Admit it’.
‘I am doing nothing of the sort’ Anna said, frowning. ‘Stay out of it, freak! It’s nothing to do with you’.
‘It’s got everything to do with me if you’re planning on making a fool of my friend’ Percy said. She was a foot shorter than Anna but when she wanted to she could look pretty menacing with her spiky black hair and nose ring, (which wasn’t technically allowed on campus, but Percy got away with most things she did by being an A student).
‘Well I’m not so you can stop worrying’ Anna said. ‘Go back to your own kind, hippy lesbian freak’.
‘I am not a lesbian!’ Percy growled, and launched herself at Anna, hissing and scratching like a feral cat. Mandy watched her friend get stuck into the most popular girl in school, while a large group formed around them. Finally, Mrs Estapol, the art teacher, came and broke it up, grabbing both girls by the ears and tearing them away from each other.
‘Miss Rainbow, I never expected you to be involved in anything like this!’ Estapol said to Percy. ‘Is Miss Rexopolous giving you trouble?’
‘Yeah, sure, blame me’ spat Anna, patting down her usually perfect blonde hair. ‘She started it’.
‘You called me a lesbian. I felt obliged to defend myself’ Percy replied, straightening her school blouse and taking off her glasses to wipe them clean.
‘All right, well, as long as there’s no more fighting’ Mrs Estapol said, and walked off down the hall in her gigantic clod-hoppers you could hear all the way to C-Block.
‘So if you’re not a lesbian, prove it’ Anna said.
‘I don’t have to prove anything to you’ Percy said.
Anna grabbed the next kid who walked past. Who just happened to be Mandy’s brother, Shane! Shane looked up at Anna, and fear filled his dark eyes. ‘What do you want?’ He asked.
‘Persephone here reckons she’s not a lesbo. So I dared her to prove it’ Anna said. She looked at Percy. ‘Kiss him’.
‘Are you kidding me? He’s my best friend’s little brother! And he’s only fourteen’ Percy said. ‘That makes him practically jailbait’.
‘I’m fifteen next month’ said Shane, in his own defence, but no one was listening.
‘He’s a cute kid. Look at it this way. It’ll be practice for the real thing. For him, at least’ Anna said. ‘Kiss him, Rainbow’
‘Why should I?’ Percy asked, looking more than a little freaked out at this point.
‘Because if you don’t; I’ll spread it around the school that you were checking me out in the showers after PE. Is that what you want?’
Percy sighed. ‘Fine. I’ll kiss him’. She leaned in and pecked Shane on the cheek. ‘There’.
‘Oh, come on! That’s how you kiss your grandma on her birthday!’ Anna laughed. ‘Oh well, I guess I’m gonna have to spread that rumour, then’.
Mandy watched Percy gulp and look at Shane, who didn’t seem all that upset about the situation! ‘Okay’ Percy said. She took a step closer to Shane, and planted her lips on his.
Mandy kept waiting for the kiss to stop but it didn’t. Her best friend and brother were really starting to get into it, when the second bell rang. They broke apart quickly, and Shane was blushing. ‘I’ve gotta get to Science’ he said to Percy. ‘See ya around’.
‘Yeah. See you’ Percy said.
As soon as Anna had disappeared around the corner, presumably to tell all her brainless minions about the kiss between Persephone Rainbow and that geeky Baxter kid from Year Nine, Percy let out a whistle. ‘Whoa, that kid has some strong lips!’
‘I don’t want to know!’ said Mandy, covering her ears. ‘Do you know what you did was practically incest? How long have we known each other?’
‘Ten years. So what? She challenged me, I had to respond’ said Percy. ‘He’ll get over it’.
‘Oh yeah? And what if he doesn’t? You saw his face! I wouldn’t be surprised if he develops a full-blown crush on you. And that is so gross I can’t even think about it’.
‘A crush?’ Percy said, and started to look all whimsical. ‘I think I could handle that’.
‘Oh, you are totally mental’ Mandy sighed. ‘Let’s go to Maths’.

‘So, did you get that? Fred asked Wayne, who was watching intently.
‘Yep’ he said. ‘Reckon I could do it with me eyes closed’.
‘Yeah well, don’t’ Fred said. He handed his spanner to Wayne. ‘You can do the next one. It’s the tap on the bog’.
‘Uh… the dunny? You want me to change the washer in the dunny?’ Wayne asked. ‘Yuck!’
‘You don’t have to put your hand in the dunny, you numbskull’ Fred sighed. ‘It’s the tap beside it’.
‘I know, I know’ Wayne said. ‘Okay’. He went into the toilet and got to work. Five minutes later he was still trying to remove the faucet from the pipe. ‘Bloody hell’ he said, wiping his forehead. ‘This thing won’t come off’
‘Come on, we haven’t got all bloody day! What good are you, if you can’t even loosen a simple bolt?’ Fred asked. ‘All right, get out of the bloody way; I have to take a dump’.
Minutes later, Fred re-emerged from the crapper. ‘All right’ he said, ‘Now you can get back to business’.
‘But you didn’t even flush the…’ Wayne said, but Fred was already on his way to the bathroom to wash his hands. He sighed, leaned in and flushed the toilet.
And screamed in horror as the toilet bowl made a horrendous noise and started to rise very, very quickly – Fred’s sloppy turd floating on top! Wayne backed up fast, and hit the wall in the hallway. ‘Fire in the hull!’ he yelled.
‘What? Someone got a gun?’ Fred asked, coming back in. When he saw the river of shit heading his way, his eyes grew large as dinner plates and he grabbed Wayne. ‘What did you do?’
‘I flushed the toilet… But the water didn’t go down!’ Wayne said, clutching Fred like a drowning swimmer.
‘Shit! Let’s get the hell outta here!’ Fred yelled, and pulled Wayne out of the hallway to safety. ‘Look mate, this just isn’t going to work out’ he told Wayne. ‘I showed you how to change a washer. I showed you on just about every damn tap in the house! But you still couldn’t do it right’.
‘I’m a slow learner’ Wayne tried to say. But Fred shushed him. ‘I’m sorry, mate’ he said. ‘You’re just not a plumber’s arsehole! You don’t know shit about… Shit! You should go and do one of those courses with Centrelink and find out what you’re really good at’.
‘Uh… Okay’ Wayne said, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot. ‘I’ll… see you later, then’.
‘No you won’t mate’ Fred said. ‘But if it makes you feel any better, you were pretty good at hauling those pipes’.
‘Thanks’ Wayne said. ‘So I’m good for nuthin’ but being a pack horse?’
‘That about covers it, mate’ Fred said. ‘Your pay will be in the bank on Friday. Good luck’.
As soon as Wayne was out of his sight, Fred rolled his eyes. ‘And good bloody riddance!’

Mandy stood behind the shelter sheds at lunch time, with Percy for company. ‘I’ll go as soon as he comes’ Percy promised. ‘If he comes’.
‘Why wouldn’t he come?’ Mandy asked.
‘I’m not going to get into that again’ Percy said, rolling her eyes.
‘Well sure, you’re all like, totally superior now you’ve had a pash with my brother’ Mandy said, sarcastically.
‘Well, he is kind of cute’ Percy said, and giggled as Mandy put a finger down her throat and mimed gagging.
‘Cute for a computer geek’ Percy added. ‘If he ever wants more kissing practice…’
‘Stop it! You’ll make me vomit, and then I won’t be able to pash Carl’ Mandy said.
‘Speak of the devil and he appears’ Percy said. ‘All right, you’re on your own here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you’.
Mandy turned and faced Carl Andrews. Or rather, faced his well-developed chest in his grey school shirt. He was six foot five, after all. She glanced up at him. He smiled down at her. ‘So, how do you want to do this?’ she asked him. ‘You are a lot taller than me. Maybe… Maybe we should sit down’.
He grinned. ‘What do you think is actually gonna happen, here?’
Mandy frowned. ‘You said you wanted to get on with me?’ she told him. ‘Remember? Last night on the phone?’
‘Maybe I wasn’t clear’ Carl said. ‘Or maybe you were just hearing what you wanted to hear’.
‘No’ said Mandy, getting the awful feeling she was being set up, after all. ‘I heard you say you liked chubby girls and you got it on with Janice Dixon last year. That’s what you said!’ She was starting to get hysterical already, her round face growing red with anger by the second. ‘You said you wanted to get on with me, so let’s do it! Otherwise you’re just a big fat liar, Carl Andrews!’
Suddenly Mandy heard a giggle from around the corner. ‘Is someone there?’ She asked.
Anna and her best friend Stacy appeared, grinning, from the side of the shed. Anna had a video camera in her hand. ‘For posterity’ she told Mandy. ‘We got every second of your little tanty. Now let’s talk business. You know how you walked in on us when we were smoking weed in the dunnies the other day?’
‘Yeah’ Mandy said, wiping a tear from her eye. She could see where this was going.
‘If you so much as look like telling anyone about it, this will be all over You Tube. Is that what you want?’
Mandy shook her head. ‘I’ll be quiet, I promise’.
‘And for that’ Carl said, ‘You get this’ He leaned in as if to kiss her, then, just as Mandy leaned toward him, he took a step back and almost fell over laughing. ‘She actually thought I was going to kiss her’ he told Anna. ‘What a dumb cow’.
Mandy sobbed and ran from the scene. She couldn’t bear another minute of school. She didn’t care if she never went back there again. Home – and Mum’s half-arsed finger food for lunch – was looking pretty damn good right about now!
‘Hey wait’ Percy called, but Mandy was out the gates, and out of earshot.

Next on The Unemployables: Cheryl goes shopping and Shane checks out the World Wide Web….

[mel_kay39]

Episode Four

The things people will sell on Ebay…

‘Hey mate’ Robbo called out to Wayne. ‘Coming to the tip with me? They’ve got some good stuff at that new recycling centre. Almost whole bikes, it’s like bloody Pick-A-Part! You were looking at doing up that old racer of yours, weren’t you?’
‘I’ve got me car back, Dad’ Wayne said. ‘What would I want with a pushbike?’
‘Exercise, mate’ Robbo said. ‘I know I sure as hell need some’. He rubbed his beer belly. ‘Gotta get rid of this. Your mother’s not too flash on it. Should have seen the way she was ogling Hugh Jackman the other night. I’ve gotta lift me game’.
‘Dad, no offence, but getting rid of your gut is not going to turn you into Hugh Jackman’ Wayne said.
‘I know that. But I’m also aware of the fact that I’ve let meself go in recent times. Your mother’s still as slim as the day we met. So I’ve got to get to work or she’ll start lookin’ elsewhere’.
Wayne nodded and tried not to laugh. The thought of his old man actually exerting himself was nothing short of priceless. He got a bad back from driving the garbage truck. One of those new ones you don’t even have to get out of to empty the bins. How was he going to go, riding a bike? He’d keel over from the stress of just trying to climb onto the thing! He watched old Bud follow his father out to the garage. The poor runt was getting pretty good at running on three legs. His colostomy bag was taped to his side and there was an ugly rash surrounding it. Wayne shook his head and yelled out the back door. ‘Dad change Bud’s bag, will ya? It looks disgusting’.
‘Yeah right, okay’ his dad yelled back.
Shane walked into the room. It was Saturday and he was expecting his best mate, Scott – or Scooter as everyone called him – to come over and play Dungeons and Dragons. He also kind of hoped Mandy would invite Percy over. Every time he thought about that kiss it gave him a funny feeling. Like when they make you climb the ropes in PE.
‘What are you gonna get up to today, Shane?’ Wayne asked him. Shane nearly fell over. His brother was being nice to him? He kept his guard up, expecting an ambush. ‘Waiting for Scooter’ he said. ‘We’re gonna play D&D. Why?’
‘Aw, not that nerdy role-playing game again’ Wayne said. ‘Why don’t you come with me and I’ll show you something really cool’.
‘Oh yeah’ Shane said. ‘Like how to cultivate dope plants in your wardrobe? Thanks, but no thanks’.
‘No’ Wayne said, frowning. ‘I was gonna show you how to work on a car. My carby’s stuffed. I’m putting in a new one today’.
‘No thanks’ Shane said. ‘You just want us to do all the work for you’.
‘Nah. Why would you think that?’ Wayne asked, leaning back in his chair.
‘Because the last time you got me out there to watch you work on that shit heap, I ended up under it! That’s why’ Shane said. ‘And I know how to replace a carburettor. I watch those car shows on Foxtel’.
‘Oh aren’t you Mr Handy’ Wayne mocked. ‘All right then, play your poncy games with your poncy mates! I’ll do it myself’.
‘That’ll be the day’ Shane mumbled to himself as he went up to his room. He wondered briefly what had happened to Christine, his brother’s latest girlfriend. She’d been pretty snooty but at least she kept Wayne out of the way. They spent all their time in Wayne’s caravan out the back, doing God only knew what. Shane didn’t care. He just wished she was around to take all of Wayne’s attention, today. Mum was out shopping, Mandy was sulking in her room about her latest humiliating run-in with Anna-Rexia, and Dad was on one of his forages to the local recycling depot. Only Wayne remained to see what Scott and he had planned.


‘It’s not as bad as it seems’ Cheryl said, giving Mandy a tissue to wipe her eyes. ‘Come shopping with me, love. You can buy a new top; that’ll make you feel better’.
‘Oh yeah, ‘cause that’s the solution to all the world’s problems’ Mandy sobbed. ‘Go shopping!’
‘Well, no, but it might lift your spirits a little bit’ Cheryl said. ‘Come on, what about it?’
‘No’ Mandy said. ‘I feel like hanging out here, if you don’t mind’.
‘Oh well, I guess you’re just going to have to miss out on that Panic At the Disco DVD I spotted last time I was in JB Hi-Fi’ Cheryl said, cunningly. ‘I was thinking about putting it on layby for you, but…’
‘Okay, I’ll come’ Mandy said, throwing on a jacket over her daggy ABBA t-shirt. ‘But if I see Anna and her bitch-hounds, don’t be surprised if I head in the opposite direction’.
‘Hey, if I see those tarts I’ll tell them there’s a liquidation sale on at Supre just so we can watch them fall over themselves in the stampede’ Cheryl said. ‘That’ll be fun, won’t it?’
‘It would, except they don’t shop at Supre, Mum’ Mandy said. ‘Anna’s dad is a lawyer. She thinks Witchery is slumming it’.
‘Oh does she now?’ Cheryl said, shaking her head. ‘One of those is she?’
‘Yes Mum. Now can we go?’
‘Gee, you’re all peppy now!’ Cheryl exclaimed.
‘Panic At the Disco, Mum’ Mandy explained. ‘Brendan Urie, live, on DVD. I have to have him!’
Cheryl shook her head. ‘Whatever happened to Rod Stewart? All the girls used to like him’.
‘Aw Mum! Rod Stewart? Yuck!’

Shane sat at the family computer, looking over his shoulder at regular intervals. Scott was late, as usual, and he’d just seen Mandy go out with their mother, so there was no chance of Persephone coming over. He’d already updated his blog on Myspace, and he didn’t want to say anything about his first kiss anyway, in case she read it; but boy, had he thought about it! It kept going over and over in his mind. He gulped and typed the word Babes into his search engine and clicked “I’m Feeling Lucky”. This ought to be good, he thought. An afternoon with just me and porn. Unless Scooter turns up. He almost hoped his best mate had forgotten all about the game they’d planned.
‘Wow’ he breathed, as loads of risqué photos started popping up all over his screen. Girls in bikinis, girls wearing, well, not very much at all, girls doing all sorts of naughty things to themselves and each other! It was amazing!
‘Hey’
He turned and sighed with relief when he saw Scooter. ‘Hey, come and have a look at this’ Shane said. ‘Your mind will boggle’.
Scott’s cheerfully ugly face with its freckles and mono-brow got awfully close to the monitor. ‘I don’t know about my mind boggling, but something else sure is’ he said, grinning. ‘Hey, do you know there was a chick on Ebay selling her virginity? Check it out’.
‘Whoa’ Shane said. ‘What? Selling her virginity? How do you sell that? And when you buy it, how do you know you got the real deal?’
‘I don’t know mate, but she’s pretty desperate. She’s not bad looking either. Don’t know how she’s still a virgin. Check it out’ Scott urged. Shane clicked on the X in the top right hand corner and went back to Google. Bringing up the Ebay home page, he let Scott do the rest. Before they knew it they were looking at a long-legged blonde, blue eyed honey. ‘No way she’s a virgin’ Shane whistled.
‘She is’ Scott insisted.
‘Bullshit. She’s having a lend of us’ Shane said. ‘Hey if she lived anywhere near here, Wayne would have already had her in his van’.
‘Wayne’s a legend’ Scooter agreed. He looked back at the screen. ‘I reckon we should put in a bid’.
‘What? Are you serious?’ Shane stared at him. ‘There’s no way she’d even consider a bid from us. We’re two fourteen year olds, for Christ’s sake! We turn up and it’d be all off’.
‘I hope so’ Scott grinned.
‘I don’t mean her clothes, I mean the deal, you idiot! Even if we could put up the sort of money she’d be asking, she’d take one look at us and tell us to go back to our wall-sized posters of Lara Croft and keep wanking’.
Scott considered this. ‘You’re probably right. But wouldn’t it be fun to see? I mean shit, she looks like Niki from Heroes! I know I’d like to pop that cherry’.
Shane shook his head. ‘That cherry has already been popped. Believe me. It’s just one giant scam’. He thought of Percy, and wondered if… No, he couldn’t think like that! It was disturbing. She was an older woman. Okay, only two years older, and barely that, but she was also his sister’s best friend. How weird would that be?
‘What are you thinking about? You just got this real weird look on your face’ Scooter said. His eyes were narrowed. ‘You’re thinking about a girl, aren’t you? You’ve got a thing for someone’.
‘No I haven’t’ Shane said, quickly. ‘Okay look… I’ve got like, one hundred bucks on my Bopo card. We’ll bid that and see what she says’.
‘Okay’ Scott said. ‘But I doubt a hundred bucks is gonna cut it’.

‘Oh mum, look’ Mandy said, picking up a t-shirt that said “I may be fat, but you’re ugly and I can diet”. ‘This is just me, don’t you think?’
‘Listen girl, you are not fat’ Cheryl said. ‘Just get that out of your head! You’re healthy, that’s what it is’.
‘Weren’t you telling me just the other night that if I didn’t lose some weight you’d send me to Fat Camp?’ Mandy reminded her.
‘Yeah, well, you were getting on my nerves. Sorry about that, love. I don’t mean everything I say’.
‘Mum’ Mandy said, looking over at the counter, ‘You’re not allowed to smoke in here! They’ll kick you out! They’re already staring at us’.
Cheryl quickly put out her cigarette on the back of her hand, barely flinching as she did so. Mandy winced. ‘You didn’t have to do that. You could have gone outside and smoked it’ she said. ‘Why do you do that to yourself, Mum?’
‘Because it’s a reminder not to spend too much money’ Cheryl said. ‘As soon as I go into my purse, I feel that burn and it puts me off spending. Just like that’. She handed her daughter a twenty dollar bill. ‘I’m going outside for a puff. Grab something you like. And for gawdsakes, Mandy, choose one in your size! I’m sick of seeing you get around in those god-awful tiny t-shirts with the muffin top hanging out the bottom’.
‘Okay, Mum’ Mandy said. ‘Thanks’.
‘No worries’ Cheryl said. ‘Oh look, here’s your friend. I thought you said they didn’t like Supre?’
‘This is Jay-Jay’s Mum’ Mandy said. ‘Same thing, though’.
‘Oh yeah, it is too’ said Cheryl, as she left the shop.
Oh bloody hell, Mandy thought. What is Anna doing here? She pretended not to notice her arch enemy, and kept rifling through the rack of t-shirts with funny sayings on them.
‘Oh, looky what we have here, the future Mrs Carl Andrews’ Anna said, and Stacy giggled. ‘Shouldn’t you be shopping at Big City Chic, Baxter? They wouldn’t have your size here, would they?’
‘I’m size fourteen actually’ Mandy said, ‘Not that that’s any of your business’.
‘Yeah, right’ Anna snorted. ‘A Katie’s size fourteen! Just in case you didn’t know, Jay Jay’s only goes up to slightly chubby. It doesn’t cater for bush pigs like you’.
‘Get stuffed, Anna’ Mandy said, feeling that lump in her throat again. ‘I didn’t ask for your opinion’.
‘What did you say to me?’
‘She said get stuffed. Or do you need a hearing aid?’
Anna turned and found herself face to face with Mandy’s Mum. ‘Oh… Hello. I didn’t know you were there, Mrs Baxter’.
‘Oh don’t go all angelic on me, Rexopolous’ Cheryl said, hands on her skinny hips. ‘I heard what you said to my daughter! You’re not the sweet little innocent you make yourself out to be! You’re the bush pig, not Mandy’.
Anna narrowed her eyes at Cheryl. ‘Do you know who my father is?’
Cheryl shrugged. ‘I don’t give a stuff. Why?’
‘He’s the top lawyer in town. I could sue you for slander saying stuff like that’.
‘Stuff like what? You’re a bush pig? I said it to you, I didn’t say it to anyone else so it’s not like its slander’ Cheryl said. ‘I might be a simple girl from Newcomb but even I know the difference. Anyway, we’re going. Mandy, you got what you came for?’
‘Yeah, Mum’ Mandy said, grabbing a t-shirt. ‘I’ll just go and pay’.
‘I’m getting out of here’ Anna said, her scrawny, Lindsay Lohan-like face going an interesting shade of puce. She looked around. ‘We’re in Jay-Jays, Stace. Don’t touch anything’.
‘Oh yeah’ Stacy said, ‘Cooties’.
The second Anna walked out the door, her Gucci tote bag under her arm, alarms went off all over the store. The sales assistant asked her to empty her bag.
‘But I didn’t steal anything’ Anna whined. ‘I wouldn’t steal anything from here! My father could buy out this entire store! Not that I’d ever wear any of your cheap shit!’
‘Just empty out your bag, Miss’ the shopkeeper said, impassively.
‘Let’s go, Mum’ Mandy said, having been served by the younger sales assistant.
‘No wait’ Cheryl said. ‘Watch this’.
Anna reluctantly tipped up her expensive tote, and out fell a five dollar singlet from the bargain bin. ‘I didn’t do it!’ she wailed. ‘That isn’t even my size! I’m a six! I’m a six, I tell you!’
‘Tell it to the cops’ the sales assistant said, and waved over two security guards to watch the shoplifter while she called the real police.
Mandy looked at her mother, open-mouthed. ‘You didn’t?’ She whispered.
‘Bitch deserves it’ Cheryl replied. ‘Let her talk her way out of this one. Come on, let’s get us a coffee. Revenge is thirsty work’.

Will Anna realise what happened? Will Shane get a repeat of that first kiss with Percy?
Find out next time on… The Unemployables!

[mel_kay39]

not going to bother anymore. No one's reading it.

[Kingswood]

yeh i thought it was pretty good actually, i didnt read it all though sorry haha

very talented though. you should keep writing it'd be a shame to quit. i'm not just talking about this story though :p

[mel_kay39]

did you read the end of the plot sickens, kingswood? I can't bring it back. Not the way I ended it! Glad you like it though. Because no one had posted anything after the last ep in this thread I thought no one had bothered reading it. Feeling better now.

[Magpie Girl]

I read episode 3 the other day but ran out of time to finish reading it, & been a bit busy lately so haven't got around to reading the next one. When I have some more time I'm going to sit down & catch up on what I've missed lol

[mel_kay39]

Episode Five

Another One Bites the Dust

‘Jesus Christ’ Robbo exploded. ‘The bloody telly’s on the blink again’.
‘It’s bloody twenty years old, Dad’ Wayne reminded him. ‘Why can’t we go and get one of those LCD jobs?’
‘Because I’m on Disability pension and your mother’s a recovering gambling addict, that’s why’ Robbo grumbled. He threw the remote – which was the size of a small brick – onto the coffee table. ‘No one in their right minds would give us store credit! I’ll just have to go down to Discount Electrical Centre or the Panasales Warehouse and get us a new, ordinary non-plasma, non-LSD, non-HD telly’.
‘LCD, Dad’ Wayne laughed. ‘LSD is a party drug’.
‘Oh is that what I said?’ Robbo laughed. ‘Coming with me?’
‘Yeah, all right. Got nothin’ better to do’ Wayne said. He yawned and hauled himself out of his favourite armchair.
‘Where’s that girlfriend of yours? Haven’t seen her in a while’. Robbo commented as they were getting into the car. ‘What girlfriend?’ Wayne asked. ‘I haven’t had a girlfriend in ages’.
‘That girl from the fish and chip shop? The one who’s old man got you the plumbing job? Which by the way you didn’t manage to keep for a week, so you owe me twenty bucks’.
‘Oh. Christine? Nah, we’re off like a bucket of hot prawns in the sun’ Wayne said. ‘She was too easy’.
‘Wayne!’ Robbo slapped his son over the back of his head. ‘I didn’t bring you up to treat women that way!’
‘Ouch, Dad! Treat ‘em what way?’
‘Sleep with ‘em then dump them. That’s a dog’s act’.
‘Really? Does Bud do that, does he?’
‘Leave Bud out of it. He hasn’t seen any action since Hawke was prime minister. I was talking about the way you treat women. What does that say about me?’
‘It doesn’t say anything about you, Dad. I didn’t dump her. She dumped me. She used me; then said it wasn’t working for her, and we could still be friends. Okay?’
‘She said that?’
‘Yep’.
‘Oh. Sorry, Son. Got the wrong end of the stick, there’.
‘Yeah’
‘So… Anything new on the horizon, then?’
‘Dad! Can we stop talking about my love life and go and get a new telly?’

‘Go away, Shane’ Mandy groaned. ‘You’re like a bad smell’.
‘Leave him alone, Mands’ Percy said, and gave the younger man a smile. ‘How’s it going, Shane?’
‘All right. What about you? I mean… How’s it going… with you?’
‘Good. Good’ Percy said, blushing a little bit. He was staring at her pretty intently. Standing over the fish bowl; his huge brown eyes unblinking. It was cute, in a vaguely stalkerish kind of way. She wanted to push his thick black fringe out of his eyes. He reminded her of the guitar player from Operator Please. Only even younger! Oh I am soooo going to hell, Percy thought.
‘Get out of here, Shane! Go and find something to do’ Mandy said, coming back into the room with some Doritos in a bowl. ‘Stop annoying us’
‘Oh he isn’t annoying me’ Percy said, quickly. Mandy gave her a funny look, so she backtracked. ‘Uh… Yeah but you’ve probably got some homework to do, right, Shane?’
‘Nope’. He said. ‘Homework’s done’.
‘So go and watch… Something’ Mandy said. ‘I bet Mythbusters is on. It is Monday night’.
Shane shrugged. ‘Seen ‘em all’.
Mandy stood up, walked past her brother and grabbed him by the arm of his hoodie, pulling him into the hallway. ‘What?’ he asked, in a low voice.
‘Look I know you think you’ve got the hots for Percy now that you’ve had your first kiss and everything, but she’s not interested, okay? So go and play Everquest or something. There’ll be plenty of time for girls when your balls drop!’
‘Hey’ Shane protested, ‘My balls are already descended, thank you very much!’
‘I heard that’ Percy called. ‘Nice to know’.
Even in the dim light of the hallway, Mandy could see Shane’s cheeks flush. ‘Oh for Christ’s sakes’ she muttered. ‘Why did you have to go for my best friend?!’

Anna Rexia pranced right up to Mandy’s desk Tuesday morning. She hadn’t shown up for school on Monday. Percy’s theory was that she was too embarrassed for being caught shoplifting in Jay-Jay’s, of all places. ‘Fair enough if it was David Jones, or even Myer’ Percy had said. ‘That at least she could pass off as a dare, or a Winona Ryder moment. But Jay-Jay’s… She must be just dying of shame. I would have loved to see the look on her face when that top fell out of her bag’.
‘It was totally priceless’ Mandy had agreed. But the look on Anna’s face right now was far from priceless. It was one of pure fury.
‘I know that scrag mum of yours put that top in my bag’ she hissed. ‘And I’m going to prove it. The shop’s got CCTV. They’ll see her stuffing it in my bag and when they do, they’ll have to apologise to me. Then I hope they charge your mother with something. I don’t know what, but I’m sure Daddy could come up with something’.
‘Daddy?’ Percy said, raising an eyebrow. ‘Did you just call your father Daddy like a spoiled little rich girl?’
‘Shut the hell up, Rainbow’ Anna snapped. ‘I mean it, Baxter. You and your skanky mother are going to pay for this! I could have a criminal record because of what she did’.
‘You have absolutely no proof she did anything’ Mandy said. ‘What if one of your mates put it in your bag? Did you think of that?’
Anna looked uncertain for a fraction of a second. It was as if she actually considered it was possible her friends could betray her like that. ‘No’. She said, finally. ‘Stacy would never do that to me’.
‘What about Donna? Wasn’t she there, too?’ Percy asked. ‘I’d take a closer look at those friends of yours, if I were you’.
‘What do you know about it? You weren’t even there’ Anna said.
‘Mandy told me all about it. I just laughed and laughed. You really made my day, Anna’ Percy said, with a completely dead pan expression on her face.
‘You know, Rainbow, if you didn’t wear those glasses I’d rearrange your face for you’ Anna said.
‘Gee, I’m scared’ Percy shot back. ‘What makes you think I’d let you?’
‘Girls, girls’ Mr Lowenstein, a fat little man who looked like Elmer Fudd without the deerstalker cap, walked up to Anna and gave her one of his best “you’re not going to make me raise my voice, are you?” looks. ‘Back to your seats, please’ he called out to the class in general. ‘Today we’re going to be talking about Nato and the Warsaw Pact…’

‘Daz, mate…’ Wayne said, ‘it’s the best quality stuff I could get at this late hour! Trust me. My little… garden isn’t bearing fruit just yet. But this stuff… This stuff is good’.
‘Whatever you say, mate’ Daz laughed. ‘But it looks pretty cruddy to me. Hey, let’s go to Kev’s and check out the talent’. He handed Wayne a twenty dollar bill. ‘That’s all I’m giving you for this shit, by the way’.
‘Gee, thanks, mate’ Wayne said. ‘Davo’s gonna knock the tar out of me if I don’t pay him at least forty’.
‘I’m not giving you forty for this!’ Daz exclaimed. ‘You pay the other twenty. That’ll fix him up’.
‘Fine’ groaned Wayne. He watched Daz stuff the baggie of dope into his jacket pocket. ‘Hey if I’m paying for half of that, I’m having half of that’ Wayne said.
‘Okay’ Daz said. ‘Let’s go to Kev’s first’.
‘There’ll be nothing on at Kev’s on a Tuesday night, mate’ Wayne said. ‘I’ve got a better idea’.
‘What?’ asked Daz, looking intrigued. He followed Wayne out to the car in the driveway. ‘Check these out’ Wayne said, opening the boot. In a cardboard box were the makings of one hell of a light show. ‘Shit! Firecrackers! I haven’t seen shit like that since the late eighties, mate! It’s illegal to use that stuff without a permit, isn’t it?’ Daz said, his eyes getting wide. ‘What do you plan to do with it?’
‘What else do you do with firecrackers, you nong? You set them off! And I know just the place! Come with me’. Wayne shut the boot and ran around to the driver’s side of his car. ‘Come on mate, don’t chicken out’ Wayne called. He started to make chook noises until Daz jumped in the passenger side. ‘Buckle up’ Wayne said. ‘We’re going for a hell of a ride’.

Shane met Percy out on the Baxter’s back porch. Mandy was inside talking to her mother about something, Wayne wasn’t around (thank god) and his father was asleep in front of the new TV in the front room. This was his chance.
‘Hi’ he said. Persephone turned around. ‘Oh, hi, Shane’ she said. She actually smiled at him. He could see the good work her braces had done on her front teeth. She’d had them taken off the previous year. They were so… straight. And shiny. Oh God, Shane thought, why am I thinking about her teeth?
‘Come and sit down’ she said, patting the porch seat beside her. ‘I won’t bite’.
‘Okay’ he said, and obeyed like the good puppy he was. She looked over at him. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing’ Shane lied. Truth was, he was as nervous as hell. He’d never been this close to a real girl before. Other than his sister of course; but that didn’t count.
She reached out and put a hand over his. He realised he was shivering. Her hand was warm. ‘You’re shivering’ she said. ‘It’s not even cold out here’.
‘It is a little bit’ Shane protested.
‘You’re so cute’ Percy said. ‘The other day… Was that your first kiss?’
‘No’ Shane lied. Then he sighed. ‘Yes’.
‘That’s okay. I didn’t get my first kiss until I was fourteen’ she said. Shane felt a strange pang of jealousy hearing that someone else had kissed Persephone first. It was like that girl on the internet. You kind of want to be the first man there, he thought. Like Edmund Hilary on Mt Everest.
‘The thing is’ she continued, ‘You were pretty good at it. For a first timer’.
‘Thanks’ Shane said, feeling his cheeks warm up along with his hand. ‘You were too. I mean, not for a first timer…’
‘I know what you mean’ she said. She looked him right in the eye. ‘I was kind of hoping we could… you know... pick up where we left off’.
Shane started to open his mouth to say Sure! – when his sister Mandy ruined everything. ‘Hey guys, why are you out here? It’s freezing’

‘Do you think they’ll work? I mean, how long have they been sitting in your garage?’ Daz asked.
‘About ten years. I don’t know if they’ll work but we’ll soon see’ Wayne said, taking out his lighter and igniting the fuse on one of the crackers. He put it down and ran for cover. Then he waited. And waited. ‘Oh bloody hell. They’re not going to work’ he said.
‘Maybe you should check if the fuse is still lit. It doesn’t look lit’ Daz said. ‘It might have gone out’.
‘True’ Wayne said. He walked closer, hesitated, sighed; then walked the last few steps to the cracker. The fuse hadn’t gone out but it was taking it’s time burning down. Wayne wondered if lighting it again would give it a good push. He took out his lighter, then fell backward as the firecracker went off, practically in his face!
He felt strange, like a large camera flash went off in his eyes and he couldn’t see anything for the first few seconds. Then he smelled something horrid.
‘Aw mate’ Daz exclaimed, from somewhere overhead. ‘You’ve burned your eyebrows clean off!’

On the next episode of The Unemployables: Cheryl gets a phone call from a long lost relative… Mandy falls in love again… And Percy continues her illicit fling with a younger man…

[Kingswood]

nice

percephone....haha such a cool name. not as funny as anna rexia tho

that was sweet though, the exchange between shane and percephone.

[sam.]

i've just read them now.
pretty boring at work today.

they were actually enjoyable!
don't stop!