No Place Like Home

[mel_kay39]

No Place Like Home

It looks like any other sleepy seaside town. But dig beneath the surface and you’ll find a litany of murder, intrigue, and infanticide. The inhabitants of Listeria Bay are a traitorous bunch. They’d sell their own grandmothers for a bit of extra cash. Luckily for Granny, most are doing pretty well for themselves in the local skin and drug trade, or selling bootleg copies of Heath Ledger doing coke and Jake Gyllenhaal.
But look out. Someone is on their way to put Listeria Bay on the map for all the wrong reasons…

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Episode 1

Disclaimer: The producer of this document is in no way affiliated with the original scriptwriters of Home and Away (no shit) and wishes to inform her readers that any and all opinions, plotlines and characters are her own work and do not in any way reflect the views and opinions of Channel Seven scriptwriters et al blah blah blah ad nauseam.

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‘This is so sad’ wailed Ash Wednesday. ‘What are we going to do, Rick?’
Rick E.Martin, the town’s resident himbo, grease monkey, and general root-rat, (with a fetish for older married women) gave Ash a pat on the back. ‘There there, Ash-baby’ he crooned. ‘There is something we can do. Sally didn’t deserve to die so young. And Alf is in need of a new ticker. I have an idea. Come with me’.
‘Okay’ sniffed Ash, wiping her eyes on Rick’s t-shirt. She could have stayed there all day, wrapped in his arms, the feel of his bulging pectoral muscle against her cheek, but he was right. They had to do something. Listeria Bay would be nothing without their foster mother, the radiant and wise Sally Fletcher-Saunders-Armstrong. Who would run the caravan park? Who would dispense advice to wayward teens with binge-drinking problems? And most important of all, who would rule Listeria High School now that its beloved principal was dead, cut down in her prime?
Ash Wednesday followed Rick out to his panel van. ‘Where are we going?’ she asked, flipping her long brown hair over her shoulder as she buckled her seat belt and assumed crash position (just in case they had an accident – people in Listeria Bay had the highest incidence of road deaths and fender benders in the entire NSW Central Coast. Practically everyone in town has had a major bingle at one time or another. As a result, the town’s biggest employer was the local TAC).
‘To the hospital’ Rick told her. ‘I have a plan’.

*****

Bella Lugosi and Drew Curtains were having a fight. Again. Bella picked up one of Drew’s dumbbells and threw it across the room. Drew ducked and the dumbbell crashed through the stained glass window behind him. ‘I’m telling on you’ he yelled. ‘Amanda paid good money for that’
‘Are you still sleeping with my mother?’ Bella asked, enraged. ‘I thought you’d gotten over that! Especially since now she’s married to your father, she’s technically your stepmother! That’s gross, Drew!’
‘You want me to tell you what’s gross?’ Drew yelled back. ‘That poster of Panic at the Disco on your bedroom wall! It’s got lipstick marks all over it! What do you do when you’re in there alone, rub yourself up against it?’
‘I’d much rather do that than rub myself up against you again’ Bella replied. ‘You know what’s gross? This relationship! I mean, we’re family, Drew!’
In the middle of their fight, Amanda Kissenhug emerged from her bedroom, draped in a sexy satin dressing-gown and not much else besides. ‘Oh, are you two children fighting again?’ she said, rolling her eyes. Then she caught sight of her window. Her face went all shades of purple with rage. ‘All right! Who ruined my stained glass rendering of Shane Warne?’
‘She did it’ Drew said, pointing at Bella. Bella tried the puppy-dog eyes on her mother, but Amanda wasn’t buying that. ‘You’re going to have to get yourself a job to pay for that window’ Amanda snarled. ‘I don’t care what you do – work at Mickey D’s, become a Wilderness Koala – sell yourself on Ebay if you have to; but you’re paying me back for that window’. She stormed back upstairs. She’d left her packet of smokes up there. She was trying to quit, but the cravings were just too much. Especially after seeing her prize window treatment. With shaking hands, she took out a Malboro and lit it. She took a deep drag and sighed. What to do about those damn teenagers. They were really cramping her style!

*****

Meanwhile, at the Diner, I.Ream Hobbits was in the kitchen, chopping up mull for one of her prized customers. Roman Kitchenhands was at the sink, cleaning the cappuccino cups and making a mess of it, too. He wore a white t-shirt, and the soapy water had flicked up onto it, soaking the material to his skin. I.Ream didn’t mind. After all, you don’t get a wet t-shirt comp right there in your kitchen every day. She was quite enjoying herself, calling out to Roman at every opportunity, just to have a perve. Arthur/Martha entered the kitchen. ‘Table Seven wants more sauce’ he/she announced, winking at Roman. Roman shuddered. He hadn’t figured out whether Arthur/Martha was a girl or a guy yet, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out!
‘Table Seven can shove their sauce where the sun don’t shine’ I.Ream announced. ‘I am not serving that arrogant piece of…’
‘You called?’
Heads swivelled in the direction of the doorway. I.Ream’s ex-boyfriend, Listeria Bay’s former principal, Declan Hyde, grinned like a shark at I.Ream. ‘Lookin’ good, Reamy-baby’.
‘Get out of here you useless waste of space’ I.Ream yelled. She picked up a meat cleaver and brandished it at him.
‘Christ woman, you’ve gone mental!’ Hyde said, backing away. He held up his hands it defeat. ‘All right, I’ll go! But I’ll be back! With the health inspector!’
‘You do, and by God boyo, I’ll change your religion’ shouted I.Ream.
‘Too late’ Hyde called, as he ran out the door. ‘I’m already Jewish’.

*****

Rick and Ash looked down at the bodies of their beloved foster mother and Alf Blewitt, patriarch of the infamous Blewitt family and the owner of the surf club, the local bottle-shop, and a half a dozen other businesses in town. His ticker had given out on him while bedding his new wife, the “lovely and vivacious” Lacey Curtains, Drew’s biological mother.
Five minutes after her husband’s death, Lacey had skipped town in Alf’s little mid-life crisis, a shiny red MG convertible. No wonder he had a heart attack, Rick thought. Poor bloke. Manipulated by a woman into marrying without a pre-nuptial agreement. She probably poisoned him. He wouldn’t put it past her.
‘So what’s the plan?’ Ash asked.
‘Put on one of those masks over there’ Rick advised her. ‘And while you’re at it, you probably should wear an apron. This is going to get messy’.
An hour later, Ash and Rick looked down at their new creation. ‘It looks kind of funny, don’t you think?’ Ash said, not at all sure about this. She’d done the best she could, but she was no seamstress. Still, the stitching was done with hospital-grade extra strength surgical thread. It ought to hold, unless their new Alf/Sally hybrid got wet before it had a chance to heal properly.
‘Maybe’ Rick said. ‘But it looks enough like Sally to fool a casual observer’.
They looked down at their creation. Basically it was Sally’s head and Alf’s body. They’d transplanted Sally’s heart into Alf’s torso, as his old ticker was completely useless, and given her/him/it a gastric bypass (so she could lose some weight) and removed Alf’s penis. ‘Well, we don’t want Sally having to go to the little boy’s room to pee, do we?’ Rick had reasoned. ‘Hand me that scalpel’.
‘I didn’t know you were such an artist’ said Ash, in awe of Rick’s surgical skill.
‘Well, humans aren’t that different to cars’ he told her. ‘They both have an engine and they both need fuel. As long as they are serviced regularly, they can last for years’.
Ash swooned. She loved hearing him talk like that. It made her horny.
‘Now we have to bring them back to life’ said Rick. ‘Hand me the defibrillator paddles’.
Ash stood back at the machine as Rick held the paddles over Sally/Alf’s heart. ‘Clear’ he announced, and put the paddles down. Ash flipped the switch. Sally/Alf’s body jumped. They looked at the monitor. ‘Flat line’ Rick said, and got ready to deliver another shock to his magnificent creation. ‘Clear’.
The body jolted again, and the two amateur Frankensteins looked at the monitor. The line began to jump to life. There were hills and valleys where minutes ago there was nothing. Beep, beep, beep said the monitor. ‘We’ve done it’ Ash said, barely able to believe it. She put her hands over her mouth. ‘I can’t believe it! We’ve revived Sally’
‘And Alf’ Rick said, smiling like a used car salesman. ‘Told you we could pull it off’.
‘But… we can’t call it Sally anymore’ Ash said. ‘It’s not the old Sally – not completely, anyway’.
‘We’ll call it Salfie’ said Rick. ‘I wish she would hurry up and wake up. I’m hanging to see if she walks and talks’.
‘Of course I flaming walk and talk, you imbecile’ said Salfie. It was Sally’s voice with Alf’s vocabulary. Brilliant. She sat up and tore the white sheet from her body. ‘I’m going fishing’ Salfie announced.
‘Uh… Not so fast’ Rick said. ‘You have to hang around so we can take some obs and um… get you something to wear. You’re naked, Sal’.
Salfie looked down at herself. ‘Strike me dead, I am naked’ she said, horrified. ‘Get me some clothes, you flaming morons!’

*****

Meanwhile, on the edge of town, a stranger was standing on the beach, looking out at the waves crashing to the shore, ignoring a flock of seagulls tearing a human hand to pieces on the sand. ‘Ah’ she said. ‘This is the life’. She sniffed the salty sea air. ‘This town needs a dentist, and I need a sea-change. I wonder what the fish and chips are like around here’.
She got back into her flashy BMW convertible and headed for the main street, almost knocking over a guy with a surf-board jaywalking across the road. He flipped her the bird. ‘I’ll see you in the dentist’s chair’ she said, narrowing her eyes at him. ‘You’ll find out the true meaning of pain’.
He didn’t hear her, but she didn’t care. She took off toward the car park in front of a place called simply, The Diner. She got out of her car, rested her sunglasses atop her wavy brown hair, and entered the quaint looking establishment. She didn’t see the local mall rats, teenagers Courtney Act and Danni Maxwell-Smart, checking out her wheels.
‘Wow’ Danni whistled, admiring the shiny silver duco and white-wall tyres. ‘She’s a beauty’.
‘Bet she corners on rails’ Courtney Act grinned. ‘Care to give her a spin?’
‘We can’t!’ Danni gasped. ‘We’ll get arrested! This is a Beamer! It’s probably got some kind of sophisticated alarm system, anyway’.
‘Well, if you’re going to be such a scaredy-cat, I’ll do it myself’ said Courtney. She jumped over the door of the car and landed in the driver’s seat. ‘Come on’ she said. ‘Grow a sack and come for a ride. Live dangerously’.
‘Oh, okay’ said Danni, sighing. ‘Can we drive past the local footy oval? I bet Jeff is playing cricket there today. He’d really be impressed if he saw me in a car like this’.
‘Can do’ Courtney grinned. ‘Now get in, sit down, shut up and hang on, girlfriend!’
She pulled at the cover on the ignition panel, located the wires and touched them together. The car rumbled like a mini-earthquake. ‘Simple’ said Courtney.
‘Gee, I wish I had an uncle fresh out of the clink’ sighed Danni. ‘All I’ve got is my decrepit Aunty Colleen. She’s next to useless. Wouldn’t know how to break into a cardboard box, that old bag’.
Courtney laughed. ‘But she could talk her way out of one! Hurry up, get in before we get busted’.
Inside, the owner of the BMW heard her beloved vehicle roar to life. She knew the purr of her car’s engine like she knew the back of her hand. Leaving her freshly poured cappuccino on the table, she rushed outside. ‘My car!’ she wailed, watching two female juvenile delinquents make off with her prized possession. ‘Those two skanks have stolen my car!’
Roman Kitchenhands appeared beside her. ‘I’ll take my car and catch up with them. Try to cut them off’ he offered, gallantly. He tore his apron from around his waist and jumped into a black Hummer. ‘Don’t worry’ he assured her. ‘I’ll find them. There aren’t too many cars like yours in these parts’.
The stranger watched as the military style vehicle tore off in search of her little sports car. There was a voice behind her. ‘You left your coffee inside’
She turned around. The waitress at the Diner smiled a sleazy smile. The stranger couldn’t work out if it was a man or a woman. The face was feminine but the body was lean, athletic and masculine. She decided it must be an effeminate guy. ‘Thanks’ she said. ‘I’m Mel Practice. I’ve just bought the local dental clinic at the high school’.
‘Hi’ the waiter said. ‘I’m Arthur. But sometimes, I’m Martha’.
‘Huh?’
‘Never mind. You can call me Marty. I’m a transsexual. As if you didn’t notice! I’m on the waiting list for a sex-change operation. Then I’ll get to be the boy I always wanted to be’.
‘Okay’ Mel Practice said, bewildered at how much this complete stranger had opened up to her. Boy, the locals around here sure are friendly, she thought. When they’re not stealing your wheels out from under you!
‘Your fish and chips should be ready by now, too’ Marty smiled, sweetly. ‘Come on back in. Roman will find your car. Roman can do anything he puts his mind to’.
‘I’ll bet’ Mel said. ‘But I’m into younger guys’.
‘Oh we’ve got plenty of those around here’ Marty said. ‘You’ll see’.
‘I plan to’ said Mel. ‘But first, lunch’.
‘Come right this way’ said Marty. ‘And I’ll introduce you to some of the locals’.
Mel followed Marty back into the garishly decorated diner. “Listeria Bay’s Best Fish and Chips” a sign said, in the window. It better be for the price, Mel thought. She sat back down and sipped her lukewarm coffee. Someone had chosen AC-DC on the jukebox.
A couple of kids were playing pinball in the corner. It seemed just like any other hick town by the sea. The diner’s owner came over with Mel’s fish and chips and introduced herself. ‘I’m I.Ream Hobbits’ she said. ‘If ever you need anything – and I mean anything – just let me know’. The older woman with flaming red hair had a picture of a marijuana leaf on her apron with the slogan “Legalise Pot” underneath.
‘I will, thanks’ Mel said, suppressing a smile.
Not likely, she thought. I’ve got some stuff that’ll wipe the floor with your quaint little operation! Buckle up, Hobbits! You’re going to face some stiff competition!


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If you liked my parody of Home and Away, I'll continue and post more on www.freewebs/mel_y_kay.com

[mel_kay39]

No bites? Bummer! Anyway, since I've written the next ep, I'll post it here.

Episode 2

Disclaimer: The author wishes to advise that this work of fiction is not in any way affiliated with the views and opinions of Channel Seven and producers of Home and Away. It is merely a homage to an Australian institution. Its content is not suitable for children. No correspondence will be entered into. Unless you want to, you know, send money. Just kidding.
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‘Oh flaming heck’ grumbled Salfie, scooping up her intestines and stuffing them inside the gaping hole in her abdomen. ‘No one told me I wasn’t supposed to get wet’.
‘We were about to’ Rick said. ‘But you rushed off so fast. Come back to the hospital and we’ll sew you up’.
‘This time get a real doctor to do it’ complained Salfie. ‘And while you’re at it, some anaesthetic would be nice’.
‘Well’ Rick said, ‘We can’t promise anything. You see, we didn’t exactly do this on the up-and-up. You’re supposed to be dead. We’ll probably be charged with interfering with a corpse, at the very least’.
‘I don’t care’ Salfie announced. ‘I’m not letting you near me with a scalpel unless you knock me out, first’.
‘I can do that’ Rick assured her. ‘Now come on, before someone sees you and freaks out. It’s not exactly normal to run around with your insides on the outside’.
‘No shit, Sherlock’ Salfie replied. ‘It bloody hurts, too’.

*****

Mel Practice was sitting on a bench in the police station, twiddling her thumbs while some of the most inept police officers she’d ever met discussed how they were going to find her treasured BMW. Roman had chased the juvenile car thieves for several miles; then lost them at a tricky round about. Some idiot in a four wheel drive cut him off and next thing he knew, the BMW was out of sight. So he suggested she go and report the theft to the police. Mel had thought it was a good idea until she met Constable Jack O’Lantern. The guy promised a lot but delivered nothing. She’d been sitting at the station for hours, having nowhere else to go. All her worldly possessions were in the boot of that car. Which was God only knew where by now.
Jack O’Lantern approached her. He’s not bad looking, Mel thought. Pity he’s such a dimwit. The guy couldn’t find his own arse with both hands and a flashlight. She noticed the gold band on his ring finger. Oh well, she thought. It’s not as if he’s on the market, anyway. Figures.
‘Hi’ he said. ‘Did you want a coffee and a biscuit? We’ve got Iced Vovos’
‘I want my damn car’ Mel told him, crossing her arms over her chest. ‘That’s what I want’.
‘Okay’ said Jack. ‘We’re working on it, I promise you’.
Mel scoffed. ‘Looks like it. Standing over there chatting like a bunch of mothers at Playgroup! Do you even know where to start?’
‘We’ve got cars out looking now’ Jack said, trying to calm Mel down. ‘If they find it we’ll hear it over the scanner’.
‘If they find it? If?’ Mel raged. ‘They better find it! Or the entire Listeria Bay Police Force – all five of you – will find yourselves in court! I promise you that much!’
‘Hey, hey’ Jack said, ‘Calm down! It isn’t our fault, you know. Cars get stolen all the time’.
‘It’s not just a car’ Mel said, feeling a tear at the corner of her eye. ‘It has my life inside it! I’ve just moved here! Now I’m going to have to go and buy a whole new wardrobe…’
Then her expression changed. ‘That could be a good thing, actually’.
Jack laughed. ‘Any excuse to go shopping, huh?’
‘The best excuse’ Mel said. ‘I only have the clothes on my back. Luckily though, I still have my credit card’. She turned to find her handbag missing. ‘Oh for Christ’s sake! What is with this town? Are you all a bunch of thieves?’
‘Uh… Your bag is in one of the lockers for safe keeping’ Jack’s boss, the Sargent said. ‘Can’t be too careful around here. We’re always bringing in the scum of society. You either have to chain yourself to your belongings or face losing them’.
‘Oh’ Mel said, sighing with relief. ‘Thank you’.
‘While you’re waiting for the call about your car’ Jack said, ‘How about I take you to Mudcrab Mall so you can do some shopping? And maybe we could grab a bite to eat…’
‘Aren’t you married?’ Mel asked, gesturing at his wedding ring finger.
‘Oh, that’ Jack said. ‘No… I’m a widower. My wife was killed in a car accident, a couple of years ago’.
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that’ Mel said. ‘Okay, I’ll take you up on your offer. I like a man in uniform’. She winked and ran a finger down the front of his blue shirt. Jack blushed. ‘I like a woman who likes a man in uniform’ he replied.

*****

Bella Lugosi stared at the pimply teen behind the counter. ‘No I didn’t not say I wanted a Grilled Chicken Surprise! Oh for… Can I speak to the manager?’
‘I’m sure we could clear this up without involving management’ the girl said. ‘Please, Ma’am, I’m new’.
‘Ma’am? Do I look like an adult to you?’ Bella stormed.
‘Uh… No’ said the girl.
‘Exactly. So where is your manager?’
‘I’m the manager’ said a deep, sexy voice. Bella looked up into the dark brown eyes of a guy around her own age, with collar length brown hair and a dimpled smile. ‘Hi’ he said. ‘I’m the manager, Brendan. Is there anything I can help you with?’
You can help me off with my clothes, Bella thought, lustfully, but of course didn’t say! ‘I came in here to ask for half a chicken with fries, and your little checkout chick here couldn’t even handle that!’ Bella told him. ‘If you’re looking for competent staff, look no further’.
‘Are you in the market for a job?’ Brendan asked.
‘Yes, as a matter of fact I am’ said Bella. ‘I accidentally broke my mother’s favourite stained glass window. I need money to pay her back. I’ll work days, nights, weekends… whatever. Just give me a chance’.
‘Right’ Brendan said. ‘You’re hired, on a trial basis. And you, Sophie?’ he said, looking at the poor trembling girl behind the counter, ‘Can go and make the fries for a while. Relax. I’m not about to fire you. What do you think I am; an ogre?’
‘He certainly doesn’t look like one, does he?’ said Bella to Sophie as she followed her new boss behind the counter. ‘Sorry about before’.
‘That’s okay’ Sophie said. ‘I know I’m a lousy sales assistant. I actually want to play the oboe in the Philharmonic orchestra. That’s my dream. Not flipping burgers and asking people if they want fries with that’.
‘Well, why don’t you go for it?’ Bella suggested.
‘One problem’ said Sophie.
‘What’s that?’
‘The only thing I can play on the oboe is Pop Goes the Weasel’ Sophie admitted.
‘Uh… Okay…’ Bella said. ‘That changes things’.

*****

I.Ream was drying dishes at The Diner when her ex just strolled in like he owned the place. ‘Guess what, Reamy?’ Hyde asked.
‘What the flipping hell are you doing in here?’ I.Ream shouted. ‘I thought I told you not to show your face around here! Go! You’re not wanted! Get!’ She tried to shoo him out, flicking at him with her tea-towel.
‘Wait! Hear me out, woman! I’ve got a proposition for you’ Hyde tried to say, but I.Ream was as stubborn as an ox and wouldn’t listen to a word he had to say. ‘Get out and don’t come back’ she said.
‘I was going to tell you that I could save your business from ruin, but if you want war, you’ve got it, sister’ he snarled. ‘I’m gonna make sure the Health Inspector knows about those pork cutlets you serve. Not to mention the little business you run on the side’.
‘You wouldn’t’ I.Ream gasped.
‘You want to make a bet?’ Hyde laughed. ‘Happy nervous breakdown, Reamy. I’ll see you in court’.

*****

Meanwhile, Danni Maxwell-Smart and Courtney Act were shopping happily at Mudcrab Mall, blissfully unaware that at that very moment, the owner of the car they stole was in the same building, drinking a cappuccino and flirting with the local police constable. The girls walked past Michele’s Patisserie, giggling over the sunglasses they’d just acquired with their five finger discounts. ‘Ooh look’ Courtney said, ‘Mine says Bolle on the side!’
‘Bolle is so last season’ Danni commented. ‘Mine are Mooks’.
‘Oh, good for you’ Courtney said, poking her tongue out. ‘Aren’t we the fashionista?’
‘Where did you get that word from?’ Danni said, raising an eyebrow. ‘Vogue for Dorks?’
‘A Panic at the Disco song, actually’ Courtney replied. ‘Come on, let’s check out the scarves in Dotti. I think they might be small enough to hide in my bag’.
‘Hey!’
The girls turned around and saw the fat owner of the Sunglass Hut trying to catch up with them. ‘Oh shit’ said Danni. ‘Let’s go!’
The girls turned and started running. But they didn’t get very far. Blocking their way was a young, good-looking cop. ‘And just where do you girls think you’re going with those designer sunnies?’ he asked.
‘Those are the girls!’ the woman standing next to him said. ‘They’re the girls who stole my car!’
The cop turned toward her. ‘These two? They’re barely sixteen’.
‘Excuse me’ said Danni, indignantly. ‘I’m seventeen and a half, and she’s eighteen. We’re both in Year 12’.
‘I don’t care’ said the woman, someone Danni had never seen before. She thought she knew everybody who lived in Listeria Bay. ‘Arrest them, Jack’.
Oh, so she’s on a first-name basis with him, Danni thought. How interesting.
‘We didn’t do anything’ Courtney said, sticking her bottom lip out.
‘I saw you two in the car when you were driving away from the diner!’ the woman raged. ‘That car has my whole life in it! Where is it?’
‘What car?’ asked Danni, putting on what she hoped was an innocent sounding voice.
‘Oh, don’t fall for that’ said the bloke from the Sunglass Hut. ‘These two are miniature Winona Ryders in training’.
‘What’s your stake in all this?’ the cop asked him.
‘I’m the owner of the store those girls stole their sunglasses from, that’s what my stake is! Those sunnies cost over a hundred dollars each! I’d like them back, Officer, and I’d like to press shoplifting charges’.
‘So would I’ said the woman. ‘Charge them, I mean. With Grand Theft Auto’.
‘Prove it’ said Courtney, defiantly.
‘Okay. I’ll bet my car is parked out there somewhere! That’ll prove that you two are nothing more than low-life car-thieves’. The woman turned on the heel of her Manolo Blahniks and headed for the glass doors.
The cop faced them again. ‘Okay girls, you are under arrest for shoplifting and suspicion of the more serious charge of car theft, which will be dropped if we don’t manage to find your prints on the car in question’.
Courtney evidently thought it was time to turn on the charm. ‘You know, Officer’ she purred, ‘There are ways we can work this out’. She all but batted her eyelashes at him.
‘That won’t work with me’ Jack said.
‘Why, are you gay?’ she snapped.
‘No. You’re not my type’ He replied. ‘I go for women more my own age’.
‘Ugh’ Courtney said, turning up her pretty little nose. ‘You’re positively ancient’.
‘I’m twenty-eight’ said Jack, defensively.
‘Yeah. Like a decade older than us’ said Danni. She turned to her friend. ‘And you were going to try and bribe him with sex?!’
‘I think I’ve heard enough’ said the Sunglass Hut owner. ‘Officer, please arrest these girls’.
‘That’s what I’m trying to do’ said Jack, frustrated. ‘Come on girls. You’re coming with me to the station’.
‘I’m not’ said Danni. ‘I’m a minor. I have to have an adult present during questioning’.
‘You’ll get your chance to call someone’ Jack told her. ‘At the station’.
The female owner of the BMW came back into the shopping centre, a self-satisfied smirk on her face. ‘Guess what, girls? The jig’s up. I found my car. And you two will be paying me for the scratch on the right front panel, too’.
‘Pig’s arse’ Danni said, scornfully. ‘I know my rights’.
‘Then you’ll know you have to come with me so I can book you’ Jack grinned. ‘Come on, Miss Smart-Arse’.
‘It’s Maxwell-Smart, actually’
‘Okay Agent 86’ Jack laughed. ‘I’m bringing you in for questioning. Control can’t help you now’.
‘Haha, very funny’ Danni said. ‘I want a lawyer’.

[bellastar]

i love this. and for the record, i don't kiss posters. the caustic paste in the paper might kill me.

[mel_kay39]

lol... you're kind of a mesh between belle on home and away, and you! So don't take offence with anything I say on here, I'm most likely referring to the other belle...

[bellastar]

my favourite words happen to be:
*punctilious
*harlequin
*surreptious
*and, of course, fashionista!

now you just put the song in my head!

[bellastar]

one more thing- i've changed the layout to TFS- if you like it, tell me, if you don't i can change it back. i forgot that you still have the old layout! oops!

[mel_kay39]

Oh, I haven't looked, I haven't been on here for a few days. I'll go and check it out!'