Sheryl the Stalker

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 23: Sheryl Revisits a Former Stalking Conquest, Part 2: Brendon Urie Fights Back! 

Sheryl couldn’t believe what she was actually hearing. Words that she had never heard from the lips of any of her stalking conquests. She didn’t know how to react, whether she should be happy or should start choking Brendon, or something. Plus, she never really thought she would actually end up with him either- Sheryl really did have her heart set on Gerard, in all honesty. But it was no time to be choosy; Sheryl was really at a point where she had to take what she could get! What she would be taking for now and forever was some former Mormon-cum-Emo Ringmaster-cum-Tweed-Wearing-Bloke singing in parades and dancing in the forest (And I only say that in the most affectionate of terms)

“What did you say?” said Sheryl, still in disbelief.

“I love you, Sheryl!” exclaimed Brendon, happily. “I know we got off on the wrong foot the first time we met, but ever since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. There’s just something about you that’s alluring, enchanting, irresistible. Y’know, in a frightening and uncertain way.”

Sheryl was still in shock, but she couldn’t help but feel the urge to dry-hump Brendon’s leg right about now. Because that meant she loved him. “Oh, Brendon, I always knew you loved me!” she shrieked, setting off some of the neighbourhood dogs.

And so, with the two moving into a place where thoughts of love could bloom at nine in the afternoon (I’m not really sure how that works, but whatever), Sheryl’s adventures in stalking had finally come to fruition. She knew it would pay of some day. All those AVOs and restraining orders had totally been worth it!

Sheryl leaned in to give her new love, Brendon, a hairy-lipped kiss, but he quickly pushed her away. “What’s wrong?” she asked, worried.

“I want to wait until I’ve told the rest of the guys about us before we shared our first real kiss together,” Brendon explained. “I just want to spread the happy news!”

“Oh, of course!” squealed Sheryl. “Well, go do it, then!”

“Just meet me in the dressing room in 15 minutes. I just know this is going to be a special night for the both of us, Sheryl.” Brendon then practically skipped off back to the stadium.

Sheryl sighed dreamily. This was finally it. From now on, everything else would be plain sailing and no more would she have to stalk to find her true love...

*****************************

Brendon quickly ran back to the dressing room and shut the door behind him. Leaning against the door, he began laughing to himself in a rather sinister, Dr Evil manner.

“Um...what was that for?” asked Jon, sitting in the corner.

Taking a few dramatic steps forward, Brendon proceeded to divulge his dastardly plan. “Tonight, I am going to exact my revenge on the fat tub of lard,” he began. “So much misery and pain and torment she caused, getting me arrested that night at the strip club, haunting my dreams and making me wet the bed every time! Well, tonight, I will give her a taste of her own medicine. I will make her believe I’m in total love and bliss with her. But as soon as I drag her fat ass on stage, I will humiliate and torture her in such a way, that she will never, ever torment another soul again!”
“So...how can we help, then?” asked Ryan, intrigued.

“Oh, I already have what I need,” replied Brendon, devilishly. “All you need to do is help me set it up...”

*****************************

“So, you say that ‘Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off’ was written about me?” said Sheryl, who was on top of the world after Brendon’s confession.

“Of course it was, sweetie,” lied Brendon, who was about to put his plan into practice. Any minute now...

“Actually, we’d like to give you and Brendon a present,” Ryan chimed in. “Y’know, to celebrate the fact that you two are together now.”

“We want you to join us on stage for our encore,” added Jon. “It’d be ever[/]-so fun!”

“[i]Ever-so fun!” chirped Spencer, a little too enthusiastically.

“Oh, I’d love to!” squeaked Sheryl. Well, it was more of a grunting, what with those countless packs of Winnie Blues she smokes all day, every day.

“Well, I can’t wait, then,” said Brendon. “I think its gonna be the performance everybody will be talking about for ages to come...”

*****************************

And so, the encore conveniently arrived in record time. The boys were about to launch into ‘That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed) (Out now in all good record stores!), Brendon had an announcement to make to the audience. “I want to present a special fan whose gonna join us tonight on stage for the final song. I’m sure its gonna be a very memorable performance indeed. Please welcome...Sheryl!!!!!!!11111”

Sheryl waddled on stage, causing a few cracks along the way. Everyone, even those in the nosebleed section, was grossed out by the sight of this chick who was practically Kyle Sandilands in drag. Everyone began screaming in horror, crying, fainting, praying for God to kill them so they could escape Sheryl’s truly atrocious presence.

“My eyes! My eyes are burning!” screeched Ash, from the fifth row.

“Oh, the humanity!” cried Bella, from her super-comfortable front row seat, with free champagne and caviar on call.

“And now,” continued Brendon, oblivious to the horrified screams of the audience. “Baby, this one’s for you...”

Brendon then walked backstage, along with the other band members. Sheryl was slightly confused. Maybe he was going to get her some Winnie Blues for her, ‘cos she was just dying for a smoke right about now.

Then...”Now...Let the humiliation begin!” Brendon screamed, melodramatically.

Suddenly spilling forth from the sky, soaking Sheryl and causing her smell atrociously, the horrid scent reeking throughout the whole stadium, with every fan making a hasty exit. And what was it that had fallen upon Sheryl? Taking inspiration from the horror movie, ‘Carrie,’ the boys had not used pig’s blood, but instead had used...pig shit. Yes, the smelliest, nastiest, most vomit-inducing pig shit the boys could find on an abandoned pig farm on their way to Scumtown Stadium. Apparently, Brendon had always planned to get back at Sheryl, and was eager to find Sheryl’s house whilst on tour, and when the coincidental meeting with her arose that evening, he quickly changed plans and used the special batch he was originally gonna use on her in the future for this very fateful night (see, all explained!)

“Why?????!!!!! Why?????!!!!! screamed Sheryl, in true Carrie-style, pig shit pouring down her face and encased in every orifice. “I thought you loved me!!!!!”

“This is for all the victims you have left in your wake!” proclaimed Brendon, as he and the boys laughed it up and revelled in Sheryl’s pain.

Sheryl had finally gotten her comeuppance, with one of her stalking conquests brave enough to fight back against the woman who dared to try and give him a lap dance. Never again would Brendon wet the bed in fear or have to look over his shoulder for a hairy, fat, Winnie Blues- reeking beast!

But then...Sheryl began twitching that trademark twitch. Her boils were at fever pitch and her pantyhose were beginning to cut off her circulation. Sheryl was about to snap...3...2...1...

”Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111” Sheryl ripped a guitar string from nearby from Jon’s bass guitar and began choking Brendon senseless! It was almost becoming her trademark! Anyway, the guys tried to pull Brendon from Sheryl’s bass string-death-grip, trying with all their might. Well, they really had to, they couldn’t lose their lead singer, could they?! And who was going to be the ‘crazy one’ in the group?

Finally, Brendon was freed, using the awesome power of Ryan’s secret ninja death skills he learnt from watching ‘Kung Fu Panda,’ using a swift roundhouse kick and then a nasty left hook, which sent Sheryl flying in a nearby speaker, electrocuting her severely.

“Are you okay, Brendon?” asked Ryan, crouching over him to see if he was hurt.

“Yes, I’m fine. What about you?”

“Well...I was more worried about you, Brenny-Bear...” Ryan then stroked Brendon forehead in a rather tender and gentle fashion. Brendon was kinda freaked out at first, but started to purr like a kitten as Ryan continue stroking his forehead. Could sparks really be flying between those two? Was the RyDon fanfiction phenomenon real after all? 

Sheryl, meanwhile, continued to feel the aftershocks from her electrocution, still sizzling and burning like a good old-fashioned barbie. She had no choice but to face the horrible truth, that Brendon had pulled her into his web of revenge and humiliated her in front of everyone. And how dare he accuse her of stalking him?! If anything, she was just giving him the adoration and love he totally deserved. And if that meant sending disturbingly dirty texts even Warnie would blush at and following them from place to place and knowing where they were every single second, then so be it! Sheryl made a vow to herself-to remain true to herself and her rather unique definition of ‘love,’ and continue to stalk and stalk and stalk every guy she laid eyes upon until she finally found her true love. How romantic.

Oh dear, indeed!

[mel_kay39]

Manure! I hate manure!

Sorry. Disturbing Back to the Future flashback there.

Brilliant! About time that warthog got what was coming to her! And ew... Kyle Sandilands in drag?! I'd rather see Dicko in a tutu! And Brendan learning his martial arts from Kung Fun Panda... Priceless!

[bellastar]

Sorry I haven't updated- been away on holiday and came back yesterday. But I'm in the process of writing the next ep. Back soon!

[mel_kay39]

Yeah B - although I'm looking forward to reading what's gonna happen to Sheryl next. By the way sorry for nicking the name for the Unemployables - I just thought Cheryl was a really good bogan name.

[bellastar]

Maybe Sheryl could even be a guest star on The Unemployables? Maybe as their wacky neighbour or something. Every show has one!

[mel_kay39]

LOL Cheryl's long lost cousin, Sheryl! Hey, that might work!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 24: Sheryl Stalks The Jonas Brothers

Sheryl had suffered at the hands of Brendon Urie with humiliation by pig shit in the last episode. But, alas, it still didn’t deter her. Yes, even pig shit couldn’t stop Sheryl striking fear into the hearts and minds of the hot, young and famous. But something also tells me that even the ugly weren’t off limits, so Toadie, Shannon Noll and Kyle Sandilands: come on down!

Anyway, Sheryl was writing her brilliant screenplay for the next Nancy Drew story, which she had entitled Nancy Drew and the Case of the Missing Tampon (Would you watch that?!). Whilst she furiously wrote down word after Oscar-worthy word, her attention was then caught by a very special announcement on Oprah, probably something she shouldn’t be listening to. Trust me, we all know why... ’Tomorrow on Oprah, we’re gonna have the young, hunky and inoffensive Jonas Brothers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ screamed Oprah, in true OTT fashion.

As soon as Sheryl heard those sweet words, her heart began to palpitate. Her arse also began to feel numb, one of the new, stranger symptoms she was experiencing; as well as the swelling of her mega-huge hives. I suggest you really don’t imagine that. Sheryl’s head was abuzz with teenage fandom dizziness as she couldn’t contain herself. Sheryl couldn’t decide which one was cuter: the tall one, the curly head one or the one who seemed to have a loving relationship with his hair straightener!

Okay, so Sheryl hadn’t learnt their names yet, but she knew one thing for sure: she was gonna be at that taping for Oprah, come hell or high water! Not even a swarming gang of bloodthirsty weevils could stop her! Although I’m sure all of us wish they would...

Sheryl raced into her dilapidated and drafty bedroom to get packing, because she was on her way to the U S of A to stalk her some Jonas Brothers! Yee Haa!!!!!....

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In record time, Sheryl made it the Oprah show. As she took her seat in the audience, she kept a careful, hawk-like eye out for any of the JoBros, as their fans had affectionately named them. Barf.

Oprah introduced the show and the audience screamed like a pack of hyenas over the littlest things, probably because they expected free gifts from Oprah. Y’know, how Oprah gives away free things at any time? God, I have to go on Oprah!

“And now, go crazy for...THE JONAS BROTHERS!!!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!!!!1!!11”

Girls screamed and cried and cheered and passed out and squealed and offered themselves as sacrifices as The JoBros strutted out on stage and took their places on the couch once famously jumped on by Tom Cruise.

“Well, before we begin, let’s take some questions from the audience,” said Oprah, getting giddy off the all the teenieness. “You first, over there.”

“ OMG, lyk, hi!!” screamed a brunette girl wearing a home-made JoBro™ T-shirt. “Can you take me to my school dance in 3 weeks? No other guys will ask me!”

“Er, thanks,” said Joe Jonas (Seriously, that’s his name! And if you’re wondering, I only know their names from Entertainment Tonight, not as a fan!) “But we’ll be busy on tour all this month. Have fun, though.”

The brunette burst into tears and ran out of the studio because of her crushing rejection.

“I have a question,” said a snooty voice, a man in a tweed suit with tie, smoking a pipe. “What are your thoughts about Tonnies’ theory on Gemeinschaft and Gessellschaft society? Which one do you think our society is becoming more and more like, what with individuals becoming more autonomous and the more specific emphasis on the self?” (Relax kids, its just Sociology!)

The JoBros looked at one another in fear and confusion, as if their heads were about to explode. “Ummmmm.....” spoke Nick Jonas, the youngest one with the curly head. “Our new album is out now in all good record stores!” he screamed, trying to divert attention.

The little hyenas in the audience fell for it and started scream right on cue, like they had all been brainwashed in some kind of Disney cult or something...Wait, what am I saying, of course they have been!

Then another audience member had a quite intriguing question...”Hi, I was just wondering if...I could take your skin and wear it as my own ‘cos I just love you sooooooooooo much?!!!!!!!!!”

The three JoBros looked at one another, the tension quickly becoming very awkward indeed. “Er, pardon?” asked Kevin Jonas.

“Just give me your skin, NOW!!!!” The ugly, mingey figure then leapt out from the audience and onto the stage, attacking the JoBros as the whole set fell into pandemonium and teen girl mass hysteria. Oprah quickly ran from the stage in order to save herself. Hell, she was too rich to die, let all the paupers fend for themselves!

The Jonas Brothers were trapped within Sheryl’s sweaty, grubby claws, scrambling and desperately trying to escape. But, alas, all hoped seemed to be lost...

...Until all the JoBro Faithful all banded together and began to all join in as one and heave fat-arse Sheryl out through the studio window. With one mighty push, the JoBro fans successfully pushed Sheryl out of the grand window and onto the highway outside, causing a catastrophic 100 car pile-up in the middle of the city.

The Jonas Brothers all sighed in relief, their imminent deaths by Sweaty Sheryl foiled. As they were about to express their gratitude, all the fans suddenly remembered what the purpose of their visit was: to attack the Jonas Brothers, their Disney idols, with all their sloppy kisses and confessions of love and secrets and fluffy, pink things. They proceeded to storm the stage and the Jonas Brothers were then swarmed over, never to be seen again...Until the next time you changed it over to Disney again, that is. Which looks like when Hell freezes over, in my case 

Sheryl, meanwhile, was sprawled out in the middle of the highway, 20 metres deep within the rubble and tar. People were screaming and yelling for someone to move the beached whale off the road. Until they realised it was actually human. Sort of.

Oh well, Sheryl pondered to herself. There was almost next time. Just make sure it was a place where a 4 lane highway was conveniently located right on the doorstep outside...

[mel_kay39]

Don't tell her heart, her achy, breaky heart, I just don't think it'll understand... Sorry, got caught up in the moment there. Brilliant episode, B. I was laughing my arse off. Hey maybe Sheryl could go dyke and stalk Miley? Now that would be a match made in Disney hell...

[bellastar]

I love Disney hell!