Sheryl the Stalker

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 14: Sheryl Stalks Prince (Otherwise Known As That Weird Symbol Thingy)

Sheryl’s long-held dream of being a stripper had been short-lived when Brendon Urie ran away in fear from her and the illegal strip club had been raided, which, when you think about it, was a blessing in disguise. Now Sheryl could no longer scare the patrons.

Anyway, Sheryl was resting on her laurels once again, with no ‘lucky’ celeb to stalk. She knew she was doing something wrong. But what? Were her standards too high? Too low? Not low enough, perhaps?

As Sheryl examined a purplish bruise on her arm from the illegal strip club furore, an epiphany came to her. She remembered back to the times when her mum, Sheryl Snr., had been a stalker herself. It ran in the family, you see, and had been going on for generations. Sheryl was carrying on a proud tradition. Anyway, Sheryl recalled the time her mum had recounted a story from her days as a stalker when she stalked The Purple One™ himself, the man, the myth, the legend...Prince! Or that weirdo symbol thingy he went by.

Sheryl Snr. had made the pilgrimage to Paisley Park and broken in, hoping to become the Mrs Symbol Thingy. But it wasn’t meant to be... Sheryl Snr. was kicked out by Prince’s security guards (who just happened to be the Orcs out of Lord of the Rings), and she never recovered from the incident. So traumatised, that she never stalked again...

Sheryl had decided that it would be she who carried on her mother’s legacy. She would make the pilgrimage to Paisley Park and finish off her mother’s work and stalk Prince once and for all! And maybe, if she was lucky enough, would become the new Mrs Symbol Thingy...

******************************

Sheryl had made the trip to Paisley Park. As she walked the streets out front, she analysed how she would exactly get in there. When her mother had broken into there all those years ago, Sheryl Snr. had used some LSD to keep the sniffer dogs at bay. But this wasn’t the 70s anymore...

Sheryl then had a bright idea! Prince’s favourite colour was purple, right? Well, then she would just have to use that to her advantage now, huh?...

******************************

Prince (or that symbol thingy) sat at his purple, sipping purple tea in his purple velvet suit. It was like the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland on acid.

“Your Purpleness, Sir,” said a little purple minion walking into the room, resembling a purple Oompa Loompa. “There is a purple package on the doorstep. Shall we destroy it, Sir?”

“Are you mad, minion!” exploded Prince. “It is purple, dammit! How dare you even suggest destroying something in the shade of the most glorious colour in the world! Send it in, and get out of my sight!”

The purple minion slinked off and grabbed the package, leaving the room afterwards. Prince carefully analysed the package and opened the bright purple package. He pulled the equally bright purple ribbon and the box opened out, revealing... Grimace! The monster from McDonalds!

“Grimace, you finally got my invitation!” exclaimed Prince. “You’re my favourite purple monster of all! Come, let us have some purple tea...”

But something drastic happened. Grimace began to fall apart. Actually collapse before Prince’s eyes! As Grimace did so, something shocking was revealed. Under the Grimace costume was...Sheryl!!! Apparently, her Grimace costume was made out of Papier Mache and, thanks to her crappy craftsmanship, it fell apart. That’s what happens when you don’t let the glue dry, kids!

“What are you doing here?!” demanded Prince. “Leave here at once!”

“I know my Mum tried to stalk you, but I want to pick up where she left off,” said Sheryl, in her creepy, sing-song voice. “Let me love you, oh Symbol Thingy! Don’t you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?” Sheryl then proceeded to dry hump Prince’s purple-clad leg.

“Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!” Prince screamed, in that weird falsetto voice that he usually puts on in his songs. This moment was even scarier than Purple Rain!

The weird purple minions quickly stormed into the room and dragged Sheryl out, strangely enough whilst singing the Oompa Loompa song. Sheryl, of course, foamed at the mouth, with little bits of purple Papier Mache still stuck to her.

Sheryl was thrown out of Paisley Park, never to return according to the magical hex Prince placed on her.

Sheryl sat in the gutter, disappointed that she was unable to carry on her mother’s stalking legacy. But for the rest of the world, this was the best thing that could’ve happened since Britney had her kids taken off her!

Sheryl sighed. She guessed this is what it sounded like when doves cried...

[mel_kay39]

What? Purple is like, the best colour in the world! LOL... My desk is purple, the colour of a plum. Maybe I should start stalking Prince. Hilarious stuff, Bianca! Sheryl's antics always make me chuckle!

[bellastar]

purple is totally the best colour in the world!

[mel_kay39]

Damn straight. I always liked Grimace from Macca's the best. Then The Hamburglar! Loved the end the best. Had to make a reference to that song, didn't you!!!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 15: Sheryl Stalks Snoop Dogg

Sheryl was still pouting over her failed encounter with Prince. How could he have not taken the bait, she wore purple, dammit! Maybe Prince liked a particular shade of purple, perhaps?

Sheryl decided to turn on the news, maybe try and catch up on current events, like who had bailed Amy Winehouse out of jail this time and which Spears sister was getting knocked up. You know, important stuff.

’...And in political news, Prime Minister Rudd has finally allowed Snoop Dogg entry into Australia. After being detained last year, Rudd has now relaxed the immigration laws under new ‘Rudd’s Homeboys’ legislation...’

Sheryl’s ears pricked up. It was a debilitating condition she had had since she was young, causing her to hide in shame whenever her ears would become pointed and freakish, looking like a Lord of the Rings reject. Prick Ear was definitely a horrific condition to live with.

Anyway, Sheryl’s stalker senses were tingling as a scary idea formed in her head. Which was rather miraculous, considering she only had two brain cells at the most. Sheryl believed, with a little bling here and some attitude there, maybe she could capture the heart of the world’s ultimate homie: Snoop Dogg.

And so, with boils bursting and her bladder grumbling like Kyle Sandilands whenever somebody dared criticise him back, Sheryl head towards her wardrobe to start putting an outfit together to make Snoop Dogg fall in love with her. This was going to be so easy!...

**********************************

Sheryl had made it to the airport just in time. She couldn’t wait until she saw Snoop Dogg. She knew the instant he’d lay eyes on her that Snoop would make her his bitch for life! A guy must totally love you if he made a commitment like that!

As Sheryl walked towards the terminal, she noticed a whole heap of press watching and waiting for the big guest to arrive. Cameras flashed and fans pounded their chests, sending out some love and respect for their No. 1 homie.

Sheryl walked under the metal detector until... ‘Beep! Beep! Beep!’

“Please step back, Miss, and remove any metallic items you may be wearing,” instructed the security guard.

Sheryl looked appalled. “Excuse me... Do you know who I am, bitch?!” she spat. “I’m Snoop’s bitch! My homie be expecting me to come see him at the terminal, yo! Now get outta my way, crack whacka!”

As Sheryl tried to shove her way through, the security guard stepped in front of her, blocking her path. “Sure, Sweetie, and I’m mega teen dream, but the totally overrated Matt Corby,” he laughed. “Get to the back of the line!”

“No!” Sheryl then took a run up, then charged through the security guard rugby-style, ploughing her way through with her 150kg frame. The guard flew into the air and right into the duty-free shop, right into a stall full of imitation whisky. Sheryl then took off.

As she got closer to the terminal, she could see Snoop making his grand entrance, pimp cane, top hat and diamond –encrusted wine glass in hand. His hangers-on followed him from behind.

As the press tried to get close to Snoop, yelling out random questions, and fans dying for a look at their idol, Sheryl took another run-up. Using the same tactic, Sheryl ploughed through the crowd, sending people flying in all directions.

“Snoop! Snoop! Its me, your bitch!” Sheryl screamed, getting closer.

Snoop Dogg stopped in his tracks. His hangers-on did the same. “What?!” he replied, confused.

“C’mon, let me drop it like its hot with you,” purred Sheryl, rather disturbingly.

“I won’t let you drop it like its hot with me, but I’ll bust a cap in yo’ ass!” drawled Snoop. “Get her, boys!’

Suddenly, about 10 guys in matching navy hoodies charged at Sheryl, all tackling her to the ground. Sheryl tried to fight her way out of it like every other time she was stuck in this situation (which seemed to be quite a lot), but it was no use. Unlike Sheryl, these boys had learnt their fighting techniques from the mean streets.

Sheryl was thrown out ghetto-style out of the airport, with the help of the security guard Sheryl tackled before, who was rather eager to help.

Sheryl was now on her back. As she was contemplating where she went wrong, she could hear a noise in the far off distance that seemed to be coming closer and closer. What the...

“Ahhhhhhh!!!!!1111 Plane!!!!!!1111” shrieked Sheryl. She was laying on the landing strip!

And so, Sheryl screamed in horror as the plane lowered closer...

[mel_kay39]

Oh no! Is this the end of our favourite deluded diva?! Will the plane's landing gear tear her homie threads to shreds? (hey, that rhymed - she's a poet and she didn't know it). I hope not cos this story cracks me up! Who will she stalk next, assuming she doesn't wind up runway pizza?

[bellastar]

no, just a trick! sheryl will live on for another adventure... which is unfortunate for all the male celebs out there!

[mel_kay39]

LMAO... Poor blokes! Almost makes you feel sorry for them with all their money and fame... Not!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 16: Sheryl Stalks Pete Doherty

Sheryl wasn’t crushed by the plane in the last episode as so many feared (or rejoiced at, whatever). Apart from having a cap popped in her arse by Snoop Dogg and a few skid marks here and there (both on her face from the plane and the ones spawned out of fear on her undies), she was, fortunately for few, unfortunately for so many others, alright. Oh well.

Anyway, Sheryl was once again alone, this time with skid marks. She feared that pretty soon now she’d have to start lowering her standards even more, actually really lower them. And we’re not just talking lower than low, we’re talking lower than Kyle Sandilands!

Sheryl thought about it for a moment. Who was possibly the kind of person with the lowest standards possible to have and who was practically the lowest form of human in common society.

The answer? Criminals, of course!

Sheryl switched the TV on to World’s Most Unwanted, starring the world’s most incompetent criminals and lowest lowlifes possible.

’...And coming up next on World’s Most Unwanted, our expose on the World’s Most Arrest able Junkie, Pete Doherty...’

As one of Pete’s many array of mug shots from his personal gallery flashed on the screen, Sheryl’s heart stared palpitating. And not because of the six day-old stick of butter she ate before. No, Sheryl started to notice Pete’s most obvious ‘hotness’- his sallow skin, his bloodshot eyes, his ragged teeth and his equally ragged clothes. It was such a turn on for Sheryl!

Sheryl swelled up with hives, looking like a lumpy piñata, and her bladder roared with much fury. As the TV presenter listed Pete’s many, many criminal offences, Sheryl had an epiphany. Of course. Her standards couldn’t get any lower than Pete Doherty, who was more –drug-addled zombie than man!

Sheryl had to find him! Before any other skanks got to Pete! (which I’m pretty sure is not very many!) She ran to the kitchen to stock up on supplies...

**********************************

Sheryl reached London in a fast and unrealistic (except in fictional purposes) short amount of time. She brought her paper bag with her, full of the supplies she’d most definitely need.

Now, to find Pete Doherty. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Sheryl waddled along the streets of London, looking for any street corner where Pete would score some crack or something.

Then, as if right on cue, Sheryl found Pete wondering around in a daze, most likely high on something, and wearing last week’s clothes and accompanying shame.

“Pete! Pete!” Sheryl yelled out, running over towards him, shoving people out of the way in the process which sent people flying in all directions.

Pete turned around as Sheryl came over. “Pete! I just love your band, um...Whatever their name is, and your song, um... whatever it called,” she stuttered.

Pete looked at Sheryl in a rather strange and bewildered manner. “Yeah, whatever, love,” he muttered. “Now move over, that pink unicorn over there is trying to tell me something.”

Sheryl turned around. She saw... nothing.

“Um, I got you some of my personal stash,” continued Sheryl. She grabbed her paper bag and pulled out some... oregano and bayleaf. “Its all I had, but I thought we could smoke it or something.”

Pete looked at Sheryl with the same strange and bewildered look. “What’s that shit?! I wanna smoke some real crack!”

Sheryl didn’t know what else to offer. Then, for no real reason, she started dry-humping Pete’s leg. “Please, just love me!” she screeched. “I’m kinda like Kate Moss, just without the hip wardrobe and scraggy minge hair!”

All of a sudden, police started running onto the street corner, looking like a raid of some sort.

“Oh no, hide the drugs!” exclaimed Pete.

But the police rushed right past him and aimed straight for Sheryl instead, forcing her to the ground. “Right, give us the drugs!” yelled a random bobby.

“I don’t have drugs!” screamed Sheryl.

“Yes you do, mam! Bayleaf and oregano are banned substances in Britain and you must be deported immediately!”

And so, Sheryl had her herbs confiscated and was frog-marched to the airport by police. She didn’t know what was more humiliating- this or the time she open-mouthed kissed a horse!

She once again became contemplative. Her non- love affair with Pete Doherty was officially over. Maybe junkies weren’t the most ideal boyfriends after all. How did Kate Moss and Amy Winehouse do it?

Then Sheryl made a note to herself- use basil and nutmeg instead next time...





Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 17: Sheryl Stalks Peter Andre

Sheryl had once again failed with Pete Doherty in her stalking exploits. Not even druggies wanted to know the affections of our ‘heroine’. What was up with that?

Sheryl really had to start racking brains. Who could she possibly share her very special brand of violent, fierce and often frightening ‘love’ with? Actually, the real question should be who would actually be dumb or deranged enough to share Sheryl’s scary ‘love’?

Sheryl had to think outside the box. Who hadn’t she stalked yet? She thought back to her high school days, where the tuckshop only sold stale water and pies with imitation meat filling, and where maths was replaced with ‘Porno Literature Through Time 101’. Anyway, Sheryl remembered her high school crush. He was so hot- dark hair, matching eyes, a set of washboards abs you could cut cheese on! He was the most popular guy at school and every girl he met fell for him.

It should never work- the popular guy and the school’s most feared psycho indulging in romance... And it didn’t. Sheryl had a reputation for being a stalker even back then! Where most girls would give up chasing the popular guy, Sheryl would just leave disturbing love notes written in her own blood in his locker and smell his hair while sitting behind him in class! It just made her even more scarily determined!

And where was he now, you ask? He left town to chase fame. He eventually found fame. Not with his voice, mind you, but with his magnificent abs of steel. Strangely enough, he was a singer, but that dream eventually came crashing down in a musical mess.

And who was he? Peter Andre!

Yes, Sheryl and Peter went to school together, but no romance ever eventuated because of obvious social divisions in school and the obvious fact that Sheryl was a psycho. Peter never gave Sheryl the time of day, mainly because he was trying to escape her creepy clutches. And after high school, Sheryl could never find Peter again...

...Until now! Ever since Peter Andre married Jordan and went from the C-List to the –C- List, there was useless information on their lives in the magazines every week! And, of course, Peter and Jordan lived in Merry Old England now, where they were somewhat famous.

And so, Sheryl would, once again, be heading to England to stalk another unwilling fellow. And this time, it was personal...

**********************************

“Honey, don’t you just love them?!”

“Yes, they’re so...pretty. And quite small now.”

Jordan was showing off her recently downsized boobs to her husband, Peter Andre, who seemed to be less than impressed with her now small boobs. He really loved bouncing his head from one to the next when they were huge, as well as being the envy of all men!

“Aren’t they just so cute and perky?!” cooed Jordan, happily. “I can actually see my feet now”

“Er...Yeah. Great,” stuttered Peter.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

“Coming!” called Jordan, running over to the door, her chest not quite having the same bounce it once did.

Jordan opened the door. “Hi, you must be the poodle groomer I hired. God, what’s that on your head, it looks all haggard?”

“That’s my hair,” the poodle groomer growled.

As they made their way inside, the family poodle came walking into the lounge. It took one look at the poodle groomer...and started running around the in a circle, yelping in fear before flopping on the floor, dead and lifeless.

Jordan started screaming. “Pookie!!! Pookie!!! Why???!!! Why couldn’t it have been me???!!!”

Peter came into the room. “What’s going on here?” he exclaimed, concerned.

“Oh my God! Its you! You’ve come back to me!...”

Peter suddenly looked up at the poodle groomer. Oh God... “Sheryl? Is it... really you?”

“Who is this minge?!” screeched Jordan. “What you doing here?!”

“This is Sheryl, the creepy girl I told you about who used to stalk me in high school,” replied Peter, a slight quiver in his voice.

“Now I’ll finally be able to date the popular guy!” The poodle groomer then tore off her uniform to reveal lace knickers and a Lycra boob tube, ‘fore it was... Sheryl! (Like you didn’t know!)

“C’mon, Peter, let me be your mysterious girl!” Sheryl shrieked. She then proceeded to hump Peter’s leg, panting and drooling like a Matt Corby fan.

“Get off me, you crazy bitch!” screamed Peter, fearfully.

“I’ll save you honey, with my...” Jordan realised that she no longer had her huge tits anymore since she had them resized. Was there any hope now?

Just then, Sheryl felt something gnawing at her lace knickers. Looking down, she saw Pookie had suddenly come back to life!

Sheryl started screaming in her awful gravelly voice as the poodle then aimed for the face, tearing and chewing at Sheryl’s cheek, which strangely tasted like chicken. Peter and Jordan watched on in a somewhat sick sort of satisfaction.

As Sheryl was being mauled by the tiny, puny little poodle, who probably weighed as much as bread roll, she came to the conclusion that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to consult you high school yearbook to find someone to stalk. Especially since you could end with some psycho or whatever! Who wants to go out with some loser from high school anyway when they’re probably living in a dumpster or grew up to be bitter and twisted and working on radio like Kyle Sandilands?

Sadly, high school love should just stay in the past. Sheryl had to face facts that she had lost Peter Andre forever... Which is probably for the best, in my opinion!

[mel_kay39]

Hasn't she already tried it on with Dale? I reckon she should go for someone actually desperate enough to fall for her (dubious) charms. Someone like... David Hasselhoff! Or the Elephant Man?

[mel_kay39]

Or Shane Warne. That guy would f**k a doorknob. Or she could decide that men are so like last season, turn lezbo and go panting after Caroline Wilson. She'd probably have a decent crack at snagging that one!

[bellastar]

i'm back for good!

i could do david hasselhoff, since he's wasted pretty much all the time anyway, he wouldn't even know! but caroline wilson? do i really want to turn the story into a horror freakshow?

[mel_kay39]

LOL... good point. Ew.

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 18: Sheryl Stalks Chris and Robbie Tarrant

Peter Andre had, of course, lead to yet another dead end in Sheryl’s stalking endeavours. And that, pray tell, was why they called them past loves- because they belonged in the past. Having to never be talked ever again by a hag who smelt like cat food and whose girdle didn’t quite suck up the fat.

Sheryl, once again, consulted her local paper, The Irritator Bi-Monthly, to find he next victim. As she flicked past the ‘How To Make Your Own Meth Lab’ section, she came across a photo of two young men who really got her spunk radar alarm she got at Auto Barn half-price going! Strangely enough, appearing in the ‘Hellraisers’ section of the paper were former Magpie weak-link, now Docker weak-link, Chris Tarrant, and his little brother, newest Roo recruit, Robbie. Sheryl begun to salivate, drooling a long and flowing river that ran down the hallway and out the bathroom window, onto the neighbour’s lawn. Gross.

Sheryl had never fancied bad boys before. She usually just settled for cute, preppy guys like Matt Corby. But since they usually ran a mile whenever Sheryl came into view, she just settled for anything with a pulse. Or not...

Sheryl had an idea where these hot, young footballers hung out. But unlike the elite status of mighty Collingwood players, who got to hang out in all the hottest bars and ‘gentleman’s clubs’ Eddie’s Gold Card was accepted at, loser teams like Freo and the Roos usually hung out at the boondocks with other bogan trash. And being bogan trash herself, Sheryl would soon be blending into the scene...

**************************

As the Winnie Blues wafted through the air and the hooch was passed around the bonfire, everybody danced to the latest hot tunes by Shannon Noll around the boondocks in the latest flannie and moccasins fashions.

“Maybe it’s the hooch talking,” slurred Chris. “But that chick over there is hooooottttt!”

“Maybe you should go over,” Robbie egged on. “She’s quite a looker, hey?!”

With one last gulp of Dutch courage, Chris strutted over to the hottie near the bonfire. He admired her long legs and her unusually hairy armpits long enough to plait. Oh well, some girls like to go the au natural look.

“Hey there...” purred Chris, a little unsteady on his feet. “What’s a purty girl like you doing at a boondock like this?”

The boondock hottie turned around. Smiling a cracked smile with missing teeth and a humungous boil that might as well be a conjoined twin growing out of her left shoulder, she stroked Chris’ face. “I’ve been waiting for you...” she drawled in her cigarette-scarred voice.

Chris felt nauseous. He was repulsed, petrified, slightly turned on. But mostly scared. He may have low standards, but this was just taking the piss!

“Get away from me!” screeched Chris.

“I want you to Dock me!” Sheryl panted, who then proceeded to practically molest Chris right then and there.

“Stop! Stop!” Chris made a mental note to himself to cut down on the drinks. But that would mean no more beer! No way!

Chris had to stop this psycho. He pulled out the big guns. He then proceeded to moon Sheryl!
“Suck on this!” laughed Chris, evilly.

“Ahhhhhh!!!” Sheryl was blinded by Chris’ bare arse, burning her retinas. She then witnesses Robbie out of the corner of her eye. Sheryl licked her lips. Fresh meat...

Robbie noticed this exchange. Uh oh. He made a girly squeal and ran for it, jumping over several passed-out bogans and leaving his brother for dead.

Sheryl charged after him. “Come back, my sexy Roo boy!” she bellowed. But as she ran, she never saw the bonfire in front of her blocking her path. In full psychotic and melodramatic fashion, Sheryl fell into the fire, her non-flame retardant clothes catching alight, disenigrating like Britney’s self worth. All that was left in the bonfire was a charred, naked and screaming blob. Everyone saw this and quickly made haste, leaving the boondocks. A tumbleweed rolled past, emphasising the emptiness of the place. Duh.

Sheryl was left to burn. But just like Radioactive Man and Kenny, she’ll be back next time!

[mel_kay39]

Oh wow.... Freddy Krueger meets Sheryl the Stalker! She got you when you were drunk... Now she'll get you in your dreams! Good going, B!