Sheryl the Stalker

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker- Episode 1: Sheryl Stalks Kevin Rudd:

Sheryl was a compulsive stalker. A boiler chick. A few prawns short of a barbie. When she became attached to something, she just couldn’t let go of it. Her friends knew when she became obsessed with someone, the symptoms were obvious- the nervous twitching, the trouble breathing, the massive hives, the chronic diahorrea. Sheryl, was, of course, a massive headcase.

As Sheryl scanned the Herald Sun for fresh new victims...er, I mean, to read up on current events, she was captivated by a photo of a man. A man with glasses. A man with a smart private-school-boy haircut. A man with a round head like a soccer ball. That man was Kevin Rudd.

Sheryl salivated over the picture. He was every woman’s dream politician, a man who could really talk you into bed with his election policies on the budget and new health care schemes! And he might even pay you for the odd lapdance if you had been a good girl!

Sheryl knew who she would be voting for in this year’s election!

Suddenly, Sheryl noticed the last line of the news article- ‘Mr Rudd will be appearing on Dateline at the ABC studios to discuss this coming election...’

Hazah! Sheryl instantly got ready to begin stalking Kevin Rudd at the ABC studios. But first she had to nick over to the toilet- that chronic case of diahorrea was coming back!...

******************************************

Sheryl had snuck her way into ABC studios, for the Dateline taping. She had snuck her way in by slipping past security disguised as the host of a high-class snooty host for a Sunday Arts program. And there were plenty of those to go around on the ABC.

Anyway, Sheryl walked down the hallway trying to find the green room. Surely Kevin would be in there.

But as she walked past, she saw him. Kevin! He was having his make up done with a special blend used for politicians during elections- foundation, eyeliner strong-adhesive collagen for that winning smile (‘cos face it, he’s got it in the bag!)

Sheryl walked into the make up room, unaware o the fact that she was copping confused looks from Kevin and the make up artist. What the hell was she doing here?

“Um, excuse me, miss, you can’t come in here,” remarked the make up stylist.

But Sheryl wasn’t listening. “Mr Rudd, you look hot in real life!” she squealed. “You are like the hottest politician ever!”

“Uh, yes, I am quite flattered,” replied Kevin, confused. “But I’m actually very busy at the moment here...”

But Sheryl wouldn’t quit. Instead, she did the unthinkable, what you would never do with a politician. She begun to strip off. Yes- she was giving Kevin Rudd his own personal lapdance.

“Will you please cease this nonsense immediately,” fumed Kevin, rather eloquently. “Stop this at once!”

“But Sheryl was just getting started. “C’mon, baby!” moaned Sheryl. “I’ll show those chicks at Scores how its really done!

But Sheryl never got the chance. Just as she was about to show Kevin her very own budget plan, security arrived.

“No! Wait!” screamed Sheryl, her clothes in a fluster. “Kevin is mine! He’s the prime minister of my heart!”

And she was promptly thrown out of ABC studios, ghetto-style, thus ending Sheryl’s non-love affair with Kevin Rudd.






Sheryl the Stalker: Episode 2: Sheryl Stalks Gerard Way (With Special Guest Appearance by Melissa!):

Sheryl’s ego was still bruised after the whole Kevin Rudd debacle. What a prick, how could he not wanna woman like her!? I guess stalking doesn’t get you everything.

To ease her melancholy heart, Sheryl put the TV on to Video Hits (aka, Video Shits). Appearing now was the new single by My Chemical Romance- ‘Teenagers.’ Sheryl watched as lead singer and emo dreamboat Gerard Way sang his heart out in yet another angry and sullen anthem on how cruel life could be.

And then... Sheryl was getting the urge to run to the toilet.

She watched Gerard with intent- those eyes, that face, the black hair, his fringe in his face...

Sheryl was then starting to scratch at herself furiously. The hives had returned...

Uh oh... Sheryl... had found her next target to stalk! She was gonna make Gerard fall in love with her! It would be so easy!

But before she put her plan into action, Sheryl had to get that chronic diahorrea settled. She couldn’t literally shit herself when she met Gerard, could she now?

***********************************

Sheryl was able to sneak backstage at My Chemical Romance’s Melbourne concert by dressing up as Bert McCracken, one of Gerard’s long-lost loves (allegedly!). She went straight to the dressing room and was met with the beautiful and emo-rific image of the man, the myth, the legend... Gerard Way.

“Hey there...” purred Sheryl, licking her lips in anticipation

“Gerard shot out of his seat. “Bert, is that you?” he replied, astonished.

“No, it’s me, Sheryl, you’re number 1 fan! And I just came here to tell you that I’m...”

“Gerard, sweetie, are you in here?”

What?...

Walking through the dressing room door was a woman with short black hair with matching eyeliner. She wore a long matching halter dress and, of course, long black boots. She looked like an emo goddess.

“Sweetie, I’ve been looking for you,” the mystery woman cooed. She then gave Gerard a long, lingering, rather passionate kiss. Just like two horses pashing.

Sheryl, meanwhile, was starting to get a little edgy. The sight was almost too much to bear. “Ahh... Who...Who is she?” Sheryl stuttered.

“Oh, this is my wife, Melissa,” replied Gerard, unaware that Sheryl was about to explode.

And then... “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!” Sheryl lunged thought and went straight for the jugular, scratching and clawing at Melissa’s face as Melissa screamed helplessly. “G-man, help!” she cried.

As Gerard fought to get Sheryl off his lady love, the security team, hearing the cries from down the hall, instantly tore Sheryl off a bloodied and bruised Melissa, Gerard cradling her.

“He was meant to be mine, dammit!” screeched Sheryl, kicking and screaming like a crazed Idol girly squealing whenever Matt Corby was in sight.

And so, Sheryl was subsequently banned for life from any My Chemical Romance concerts in the future, or so the AVO read.


Tune in next time for more thrilling installments of Sheryl the Stalker!

[bellastar]

c'mon, doesn't anyone like this? i thought mel would at least love me for letting gerard be her husband! i didn't have to do it, but i did, dammit!

[luvlicca]

That was some funny ass shit!! LOL!! Fancy Kevin rudd having a stalker haha!!!

[mel_kay39]

Aw mate, I only just read it and I cacked myself! Bloody hilarious, and yes, you made all my wildest fantasies come true if only for a few minutes! Thank you, thank you, lol... Loved it. Can't wait for the next ep! (getting goosebumps thinking of being Mrs G-man, lol)

[luvlicca]

oh thats awesome!! I just re read it after reading it drunk last night!! Its still funny as though!!

Lucky you Mel!! Whoop Whoop - Introducing Mel - Mrs G-Man!!

[bellastar]

there's gonna be some special themed episodes- look out for them!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker: Episode 3: Sheryl Stalks a Magpie, Part One: Dale Thomas (With Special Guest Appearances by Ash and Lauren the Loony)

Sheryl was once again nursing a bruised ego and a bruised arse, since Melissa kicked it. She can’t believe yet another celebrity had escaped her lusty clutches. What was she doing wrong? What she wearing the wrong sky-blue bogan eyeshadow? Was it her tight J-Lo velour trackies? It couldn’t possibly be her personality!

Sheryl was once again without an object of affection. Diddums.

She had to get out for a while. Maybe a walk would clear her head. Her crazy, senseless, rather deranged head.

**********************************

Sheryl took a nice stroll on a summer’s day in Abbottsford, of all places. Far away, Sheryl looked over to Lexus Centre, of all places. Out on the oval were the Mighty Pies, of all teams.

Sheryl walked over and that’s when she saw him. He of the shaggy Muppet hair. He of whacked-out teenage girl fandom. He of No. 13. He was Dale Thomas. Of all teen hotties.

Sheryl was salivating at the sight, especially at the regulation leggings all the players had to wear to training. So much so, they gave her... hives. Weeping, sore, pus-filled hives! (Credit to mel!).

As Sheryl watched her free little peepshow, she realised her bladder was rumbling. Uh oh, diahhorea alert! She quickly rushed off!

**********************************

As Sheryl finished washing her hands after a rather steamy session in the toilet (steaming diahhorea, that is!), another girl came up beside her and also began washing her hands.

“Hey,” she greeted Sheryl. “Here to see Dale?”

“Sheryl squealed. “Like, totally!!!111”

“Cool. I’m Lauren, by the way.”

“Sheryl.”

As Sheryl put out her hand (That she didn’t wash) out to shake Lauren’s, things suddenly turned ugly. Lauren had Sheryl in a headlock!

“If you dare lay a hand on my sweet baby Dale, I will f—k you up ghetto-style, bitch!” spat Lauren.

“Not if I get to him first!” barked back Sheryl.

The race was on! Sheryl slipped out of Lauren’s headlock and ran out of the toilets. The whackos raced around the corner and to the oval, Sheryl’s competition scarily taking a lead.

Finally, with Dale in their path, they both pounced on him and body slammed him right into the dry, drought-stricken grass.

“Ahhh!!! Get these bitches off me!” screamed Dale in pain!

As the girls furiously tried to dry-hump their way into Dale’s bruised heart (and ribs), they were then stopped in their tracks mid dry-hump.

“Oi, you bitches get off my man!” screeched Dale’s saviour.

The two weirdoes obeyed, and Dale instantly jumped into the mystery girl’s arms. “Baby, they tried to molest me!” squealed Dale, in absolute horror.

“Its okay, Ash is here now,” Ash soothed.

As Sheryl and Lauren the Loony tried to make a run for it, they were outnumbered. Ash, Dale, The entire Collingwood team and fans alike joined in together for a total kickfest. And so. everyone proceeded to kick the crap out of the two boiler chicks. And everyone was happy.

Tune in next time!

[luvlicca]

HAHAHAHA!!! That is funny as Bianca!! absolute crakcer man!!!

[mel_kay39]

Yeah! Kick ass! Don't you just love the weeping, pus-filled hives?! They sound extra itchy! Reminds me of Woogy on There's Something About Mary. But where did the nervous tick go? LMAO Total crack up. Can't wait for the next ep!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker: Episode 4: Sheryl Stalks an Idol, Part 1: Matt Corby

Sheryl examined one of her rather violent bruises after the Dale Thomas ordeal. Stupid bitches! Capturing Dale had been a total failure and had now left her without someone to stalk.

’...And now, presenting to the stage,’ said James Mathieson for the TV, ’...Matt Corby!’

The same ear-splitting screams that usually erupted from the same insane bitches in the audience burst Sheryl’s eardrums as at Matt Corby took to the stage. She couldn’t hear what he was singing (because her eardrums had burst), but even a blind man could see that he was hot stuff!

Sheryl was getting that nervous tick again, twitching like Ben Cousins when he was in the vicinity of the police. That’s it! Matt Corby could be the Idol contestant she could stalk! Last year, all the chicks were after Dean Geyer and his virginity (which no one ever got! What is it, like the f—king ring out of Lord of the Rings? Then who’s Sarumon? Lisa?)

But that was totally so five minutes ago now! Right now, Sheryl had to get stalking! But first, you guessed it, she had to race off to the toilet!

*********************************************

Sheryl walked around Channel 10 studios, hunting for Matty boy. Just then, she felt a chill run up and down her spine... ‘Hello there, little girly!’

“Ahhhhh!!!!1111” Sheryl jumped back in horror. Standing in front of her with a rather dirty smile on his face was the ever-repulsive Mark Holden.

“So... were you looking for me?” smiled Mark, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Sheryl gagged. Who was this clown!? “Er...no.”

“Then how about a touchdown?!...”

Just as Sheryl was about to scream ‘Pervert!’, she spied Matt Corby warming up on stage before the live show. Complete with one of those f—king hideous scarves he always wears!

“Matt! Matt!’ she screamed like every other fan of his.

Before he could consider running, Sheryl pounced on Matt in front of all the cast and crew and other Idols. Everyone watched on and cringed as Matt was practically molested teenie-style. “They’ve finally taken over!” Matt screamed. “Holden warned me this would happen, like it did to him in the 70’s!”

Sheryl had truly lost her integrity, nay her dignity at that very moment in front of everyone. But hey, Kyle Sandilands does the same thing in front of the same audience each and every week!

But just before Sheryl could truly kill Matt, security, at that very moment, decided to open the studio doors. Swarming in were at least 200 of Matt’s fans. When they spotted Sheryl molesting their god...er, I mean, Idol, they were pissed!

So, with their signs and teenie-girl wills alike, they smacked Sheryl stupid and freed Matt. Who they then started to molest in return, including wet, soppy teenie kisses!

Sheryl, who, for the first time ever, became the most hated person on Idol, toppling Kyle, off his throne. And was subsequently left outside by security in the gutter for her dignity and integrity to come pick her up.

It never arrived.

Tune in for more Sheryl goodness next time!

[mel_kay39]

Great work, Bianca. I'd like to see what Sheryl would do if she wasn't thrown out by security, though! What would happen if she actually got her hands on one of her crushes, and got to have her way with him? (other than totally traumatising the poor guy for the rest of his life). Would the weeping pustules be contagious? Would she actually be able to brainwash him into falling in love with her? Hell, someone's got to, eventually!

[bellastar]

Sheryl the Stalker: Episode 5: Sheryl Stalks an Idol, Part 2: Dean Geyer

Okay, so Sheryl failed with Matt Corby. Couldn’t understand why, though. Who wouldn’t want to be molested and groped by her?!

Maybe Sheryl was going about this the wrong way. She should’ve stuck with the first hottie she spotted on Idol, who she should’ve molested all along. Of course! It should’ve been the genuine article, the original himself. Who else could play teen hottie/ all-round wholesome Christian... Dean Geyer!!!??111


But first...You guessed it- Sheryl had to race to the toilet! F—king diahorrea!

******************************
“...So, I’ll be playing in the Coffee Shop late. Wanna come over and watch?”

“I might...”

“Do I have to convince you?”

“Maybe...”

And just as the two were about to kiss... “Cut! What the hell was that?!” screamed the director, marching over towards Dean. “Were you about to f—king kiss a girl or f—king kiss a horse there?!”

“I just thought...” muttered Dean.

“F—k off!” spat the director. “Oh shudder! Everybody take five!”

Meanwhile, Sheryl was lurking in the background, watching, waiting...

Dean walked off the set and was met with a pair of angry eyes. “Why are you kissing that tart for on set?!” whined Lisa, hands on hips.

“Because it’s a TV show, its not real!” argued Dean. “I’m just acting!”

“Why couldn’t you be on a good show, like City Homicide or All Saints or even Funniest Home Videos!? God, why do you have to be such a D-list celebrity?!” bitched Lisa.

Dean muttered some rather Un-Christian words under his breath, then said to himself, “Why did you have to be such a possessive little bitch?”

“Okay, everyone back on the set!” yelled the director, after his mini-breakdown

Everyone took their places back on the set.

“And... action!”

“So, I’ll be playing at...”

“Cut! Who the f—k is that over there!?” spat the director. “She’s not an extra!”


All eyes were then on someone pretending to be a pot plant in the corner of the Scarlet Bar. Except her arse was too big to fit in the pot and only had a few twigs and leaves in her hair. Not a good disguise. Of course, that someone was... Sheryl.

“Who the f—k are you!?” snapped the ever-swearing director.

But Sheryl ignored him. “Dean! Dean!” she panted, running over towards him, with the plant pot still stuck on her fat arse. “Oh my God, I so love you! Please come with me, we can totally do better than this~ We can run away to Channel 7 on Home and Away!”

Dean started to panic as Sheryl waddled over. Until... “Hey, bitch! Get off my man!” demanded Lisa.

But Sheryl effortlessly pushed her out of her way, sending Lisa flying through the air, barrelling right into the overhead set lights, getting electrocuted quite badly, smelling like French fries!

Sheryl then proceeded to grope Dean, licking him like some kind of teen hottie lollipop. “C’mon, Dean,” she purred, rather disturbingly. “Why don’t you let me be your first time, baby!”

Suddenly... “ You see... that’s where you’re wrong!”

Sheryl turned around. Lisa, looking like a cross between a mangled corpse and Amy Winehouse, crawled out of the lighting wreckage. “Let’s just say that I’ve been there, done that!” (so to speak!)

That made Sheryl snap. She then pounced on Lisa and totally went ghetto on her arse, slapping, scratching, biting... A little bit of lesbian innuendo, a la, The Veronicas?

It took Dr Karl’s shitty guitar playing on his groovy, psychedelic guitar to drive deranged Sheryl out the door, still frothing from the mouth like crazy. His music would drive anyone to insanity!

And so, another of Sheryl’s stalking stakeouts as thwarted, without Dean’s virginity and, nay, her dignity. Not that she had any to begin with.

[b] Tune in next time![/i]

[mel_kay39]

Poor Sheryl. Is she ever going to get lucky with anyone? Maybe if she lowered her standards a little - say, Toadie on Neigbours, or Harold, even! Or if she were to go for a sportsperson, I reckon Shane Warne would give her a red hot go! (of course, he'd give anything with a pulse a red hot go, but anyway...) Great work, Bella! Love the reference to Amy Winehouse - what exactly is the difference between her and a mangled corpse, btw?

[bellastar]

no difference, really. i was just trying to think of the ugliest minger i could make a comparison to!

[bellastar]

anyone got any ideas on who sheryl could stalk next?