The Plot Sickens

[melissa]

Okay, how do I start this thing? I had all these ideas going around in my head and no idea how to launch them. There is a fair bit of backstory to this, and before i get going, I'd like to say thank you to all of you for reasons you will understand when you read the first episode. This is for all you true Pies supporters who hate those teenybopper skanks who don't know the first rule of the game, they just go for the eye-candy. Enjoy....

The Plot Sickens....

"There is a line between suppporting and stalking. These two crossed it at birth".


Lisa and Jen were best friends. They did everything together. Literally. Their mothers were best friends, dating back to the days when they used to follow Sherbert around the country in a beat up old Volkswagon. Now their daughters were like sisters. They even looked like sisters... actually, I lie. They looked nothing like sisters. They just thought they did. Lisa was short, with long blonde hair and big, child-bearing hips. Jen was a little taller, with short dark hair and a cleft in her chin like Missy Higgins. She wore tortoiseshell glasses when no boys were around. It was bad enough that they all called her The Brain. So she aced her Year 11 exams, so what?! Didn't mean Mensa were on the phone, pleading with her to sign up! She was well aware her intelligence scared guys off. So she liked to play dumb. Which on her, didn't work.
Anyhow, they were sitting on Lisa's bed listening to the Pies thrash the Lions on the radio, because scummy Channel Nine refused to play the game live. Again. They couldn't wait until the end of the season when Channel Ten and Seven took over coverage of all the games. How are you meant to perve on the boys over the radio? It was so unfair!
'Lise, we have to go to training tomorrow', Jen decided. 'I'm so frickin' sick of this. These bozos wouldn't know how to call a game if their lives depended on it. And who is this yibbida, yibbida freak?'
'Totally, Jen. I think it's Mike Hunt, or something. He kisses fish'.
'Well, he doesn't know any of the players. He keeps calling them weird names. I'm turning this off. They're in front by 134 pts anyway. It's three quarter time. There's no way the Lions will catch up now'.
She turned to her clock radio and slammed a fist down on the power button, and turned to her friend who seemed to be in a trance or something. 'Lise?'
Lisa didn't reply. She was staring off into space.
'Lise?'
Lisa blinked and shook herself out of her coma. 'What?'
'Talking to Grandma again? You have to stop that, mate. Your mum already thinks you're eccentric. She'll have you committed'.
'But I am talking to Gran! She's very happy where she is. It's very peaceful, oh, and...' She held the mood ring she kept on her pinky finger up to her ear 'What was that, Gran? The mushrooms are great there? Oh, you met a man! Cool, what was he like?'
'Lise, get real for a minute. I've got an idea'.
'Oh, hang on, gran. Yeah, Jen's here. Plotting and scheming as usual'.
'Cut that out, will you? I've got a plan'.
'Of course you do'.

Monday morning shone bright early, the sun low in the sky, and the Pies were out at St.Kilda beach, recovering in the icy cold waves after their 146 pt demollition of the Brisbane Lions. (yeah, I wish!) Jen and Lisa were back at Edwin Flack oval, in their usual spot, sunning themselves just clear of the boundary line. A few players had already turned up, Paul Licuria was doing laps in bright red shorts and not much else, Sean Rusling was getting tips from Scotty Cummings on goal-kicking, and Travis Cloke was striding toward the bag of Sherrins, a water bottle in his hand and a determined look on his face. Lisa followed him with her eyes. He looked as though he'd just been to the gym, not the beach. His shoulders looked pumped and perspiration collected between his shoulderblades. She didn't mind a healthy sweat on a bloke. She smiled and lifted her new Nokia camera phone and whispered, 'Say Cheese'.
Just as she did that, to her joy, Trav decided he was too hot in his tank toop and ripped it off, revealing a tanned chest and rippling abs. Lisa was in heaven. That Nokia got busy, quick smart! Jen grinned at her. 'Bet you're glad you didn't waste your pay on that Ipod Shuffle, now, huh?'
Lisa didn't answer. She was snapping away like a Japanese tourist.

Meanwhile a few other players had decided to show up. The eldest Cloke and his girlfriend were sucking face right near Emily and her buddy, Susan. It was making Em rather ill, frankly. She wished they would stop.
She scanned the field for any sign of Daisy. Where was he? She had to congratulate him on a great game yesterday. He was easily best on ground. Took on Jonathan Brown in a tackle and won, which is no small feat for a guy Daisy's size. And he was up for Goal of the Year. Again.
'Looking for Dale? Man, you've got it bad for him', Susan grinned.
'No I haven't', Em said, defensively. 'He's a mate! That's all!'
'Yeah, right'.
'What about you and Paul Licuria? You haven't taken your eyes off him since he minced out here in his Warwick Capper shorts. Sheesh, we're as bad as some of the ferals'.
'Speaking of which, check that out', Susan pointed to a gathering by the behind post, where Dale stood with two ferals, one with a muffin top hanging over her Roxy jeans like a half-cooked sponge cake. They were getting his autograph and trying to talk him into having his photo taken with Muffin Break girl. She had peroxided blonde hair like Strachanie and even from where Em and Susan sat they could see how much make-up she had on. 'Eww, poor Daise, you should go and rescue him' Susan suggested.
Em laughed. 'I think he can take care of himself'.
Just as she said that, Muffin Break girl, her arm coyly around Dale's waist as her equally skanky bestie took the photo, reached up and planted a scarlet-painted mouth square against Dale's. The kiss lasted at least three seconds, in which poor Dale, who managed to survive a Jonathan Brown onslaught, struggled to free himself from the grip of Magda Szubanski's uglier cousin.
'Now he needs help', Susan said.
'Yeah, you're right'. Em was about to get up when Dale's three seconds in hell ended and he finally extricated himself from her grip. The girls thanked him and ran over to a girl by herself, right near Em and Susan. The girl was tall, skinny and plain looking, but a model compared to her buddies. She wore a Carlton guernsey, and didn't look at all happy to be there. Her friends, meanwhile, were jumping up and down, squealing like two year olds. 'Ohmigod! Ohmigod! He is soooo gorgeous! Ohmigod, you lucky skank, he kissed you!' (no, she kissed him, Emily thought, grimly).
While this was going on, Susan was looking in her backpack for something. 'Oh, I did bring them! Great stuff! Hey Em, shall we give them a cold shower?'
Em turned and stared at her. 'What the heck are you on about, girl?'
'I got this idea from Leelee. Come on, it'll be a blast'. She handed Emily a water pistol. A new innovation from Supersoaker. A handun that looked so real, you could use it to hold up a 7Eleven.
'You brought a gun? Are you crazy?'
'A water pistol, you idiot! Filled with fish sauce. We're gonna make those girls smell as bad as they look!'
'You're evil, girl. But you're on! Let's do it!'
Pretty soon the air was filled with shreiking ferals. And they weren't screams of joy.

Back at the Lexus Centre, Leelee was fronting up for her first day on the job. She had put on her best burgundy skirt, a white shirt and sensible but stylish black pumps. She looked professional. She hoped her new boss would put her on the phones first. She'd been practicing her phone voice all week. She was ready to impress.
Her immediate supervisor was a woman called Jennifer Smith. She had never actually seen her but she sounded pretty efficient so the girl coming toward her in black pants and a starched white shirt, with blonde streaks and nails like talons, must be Jennifer, she decided.
'Hi, I'm Marcy. I'm going to be your guide for today. Jennifer's on a conference call. She might be gone all morning, so she asked me to show you the ropes'. Marcy sounded like she needed a dose of Rhinocort. 'You're Lee, right?'
'That's me'.
'Okay! Let's go! I'll show you your office'.
I get an office? Leelee thought, excited. Wow, I didn't know junior event co-ordinator trainees get perks! Sweet! A smile brightened up her face until she was led into a room the size of a broom cupboard. It was the hollow under a set of stairs, basically. This was her office?!
'There's a little cupboard under the desk where you can lock your things for the day. I'll get you the key...' And Marcy was gone, but her nasally voice carried all the way down the hall. There must be some mistake, Leelee thought. How can this be my office?! I'll be the laughing stock of... the entire centre when they see me here! The players will think I'm a total loser! Ryan's never going to notice me now! Or if he does, it'll be because he's laughing at me! She stared at her office - a fairly loose term for a hole in the wall - and wished she was anywhere else but here.

It was 11.30am and most of the players were filing in to get a drink or a massage or both. Leelee tried in vain to sink into her chair so that she was invisible as they passed but it was no use. The first to pass her was Leon Davis. 'Oh, hey, we got a new receptionist. How you goin'?'
He seemed friendly. Didn't seem to be making fun of her. A couple of other players, Dane Swan and Ben Johnson included, gave her a friendly wave as they passed, and from the snippets of conversation that caught her ears, she realised she wasn't going to be the butt of their jokes. She breathed a sigh of relief. Then came the Clokes, and following hot on their heels, Ryan Lonie and Brodie Holland. Leelee bit her lip. She wished she had a mirror so she could check her hair and teeth. No time now. She forced a smile as they passed but not one of them looked her way. She didn't know whether to be releived or disappointed. But how could you be disappointed with the view she had? She watched Ryan as he walked away from her. God she loved watching him go! That butt, those shoulders... She sighed and smiled. This was going to be the best job, ever.

Pinky decided she had enough of sitting around not doing anything about her crush. He was only a couple of years older than her, and she'd heard that he didn't have a girlfriend. At least not this week. But there was no shortage of ferals surrounding him every week after training, trying to burn their images on his gorgeous blue retinas. She just had to be better. She had the looks, didn't she? Most of the players' girlfriends were short and blonde. She was short and blonde. A little pudgy, that was true, but real men like a bit of meat on a woman. Don't they?
She told Jen she was going to the loos and left her friend, who had developed a weird eye disease. She kept watching Heath Shaw. Couldn't take her eyes off him. Lisa didn't see the attraction, but she supposed he was kind of cute. Travis, however.... just thinking about him made her stomach churn like she'd had a bad hotdog. She found the toilets and fumbled in her bag for her make-up. Her mobile phone beeped at her. 'Oh, drat, not now'. It was a message from her mother. She screwed up her nose as she scanned it and deleted it. Making sure her denim skirt was hitched to just the right height, and her new hot pink bra straps were showing, she decided she looked pretty hot and strolled confidently out of the ladies'. Not aware that she had inadvertently tucked the back of her skirt into her knickers....

Leelee finished her photocopying and groaned. Would this day never end? The stupid bint that was her "guide" today was just using her as a copygirl/gopher. She'd had to go and make the skank coffee, then fetch her drycleaning, then make phone-calls to a couple of members who had forgotten to sign something or other on their renewals, then had to go and order lunch at the sandwich shop down the road. She only had half an hour for lunch and then it was back to the "office". She really, really hoped Jennifer was back tomorrow. This job was turning into a gigantic suckfest.
As she finally walked out of the Lexus Centre doors to her car, she spotted Ryan Lonie amid a throng of desperate fourteen year olds, trying to get themselves a piece of him to take home. He was trying to get to his car, a beautiful Holden Monaro, but wasn't having much luck.
Her heart beating so hard it felt like it was about to break through her chest, Leelee took a deep breath and went in to bat for her hero. She pulled the ferals off him with a strength she didn't know she had. 'Okay, come on girls, let's step back and give the boy some air', she seemed to be saying. She hardly recognised herself. She'd never been this assertive before!
After a few choice words and some spitting, the ferals backed off and left Ryan in peace. Leelee realised only later that they probably thought she was his girlfriend. The thought brought a blush to her cheeks.
Back to the present, Ryan straightened his blue shirt, which had almost been torn off his shoulders, and smiled gratefully at Leelee.
'Thanks. They do that all the time. I was raised not to hit girls, but i tell ya, it's tempting! What's your name?'
My name, my name... For one freakish nightmare second Leelee couldn't think of her own name! She felt a blush coming on. 'Uh, Leel..'
She almost gave him her Nick's username and just stopped herself in time.
'Oh... uh... well, hi, Leel?' He looked confused.
God, she thought, that shirt really brings out the blue in his eyes. She couldn't stop herself from gazing into them.
'Uh, no... just Lee', she finally uttered. Why was it she couldn't speak around him?
'Thanks, Lee. You're a life-saver. Do you work here? You look all dressed up'.
He noticed me! She thought, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
'Yeah, I'm working with the events co-ordinator', she said. She couldn't bring herself to tell him she was only a trainee.
'Cool. Well, good luck with that! Hope I see you around'. He smled and she almost melted. She hoped he didn't think she looked like one of his drooling groupies, so she managed to keep herself together. Marginally.
'Yeah, you too'. She managed, smiling back. He got into his car and started her up, giving Leelee one more dazzling smile as he pulled out of his space. Okay, so this job doesn't suck quite as much, she thought as she got out the keys to her own car. She was actually looking forward to tomorrow. Even photocopying sounded good.

... Back in the member's lounge, Jen was watching Heath Shaw chug down a bottle of water as he passed on his way... wherever. She didn't know and didn't care. She just really liked watching him. She shook her head violently, giving her scone a tap. Then took a quick look around to see if anyone noticed her brain-fade. Nope. Good. She couldn't believe she had just spent the last three hours staring at Heath Shaw. He wasn't even her type! He had... freckles, like, all over his shoulders, and probably all over his back, and... thinking of him half naked was doing weird things to her, so she stopped. And gaped. Because her best friend had just walked in the room, and strolled up to the counter accross from her, with her skirt tucked into her bright pink undies. In front of a room, well, only a quarter full at best but still this was terribly bad. Josh and Brodie were sitting accross from the bar, talking to a couple of supporters, when they noticed Lisa. Poor Josh was trying hard not to laugh. Jen could see he reallly felt bad for her friend but the urge to have a chuckle was just too strong and he couldn't manage it.
It came out, when it did, as a horribly loud guffaw that made Lisa turn around and realise that every male in the room was checking her out. She was confused for a second but then spotted Jen pointing down at her legs. She looked down, and nearly died with embarrassment. Tugging her skirt back out, she made for the exit so fast Mick Malthouse was heard to say to Guy McKenna that he wished girls could play AFL cos "That chick can run!"

*******

Well, that was it for the first episode guys. Hope you like it. Give me your thoughts. Liked it, hated it... whatever. In the meantime, stay tuned for the continuing story of the terrible two and their desperate attempts to claw their way into the Inner Sanctum... The Collingwood Locker Room!

[luvlicca]

i thought it was good, keep it going.

[leelee]

oh my god you should be a pro! (p.s i have a black gto monaro... ) lol

Mmmm veeeeeeeeery interesting!

[luvlicca]

hahaha i think you like the interaction with ryan then hey.........

[melissa]

i thought i'd put a few of you in to make it interesting. Glad you like it. I was going to ask you what kind of car you had, leelee... i am going to give myself my fantasy car lol... Toyota Celica. Black. Instead of my real car, an '85 Corolla. Canary yellow. Half the windows don't wind down anymore, lol.

[leelee]

lol my real car is a white holden gemini in MINT condition! hehe

u know how to contact me if u want more details lol

[luvlicca]

my real car is an 83 mazda. so my fantasy car is so much better a holden hsv grange.

[yadie05]

bit shattered a few of us got left out since we make regular posts in here

[luvlicca]

ill put you in mine how does that sound yadie05!!!

[leelee]

awww yadie.... you'll find a place in there.... no-one has taken ur man dids yet! Mel, PM yadie and get some details off her lol... damn i forgot all about that fish sauce joke... hillarious... i just read it for a 2nd time! haha If u want any info just pm me mel! lovin it... its funny as!

[melissa]

Thanks guys, it's been the first time i've written anything in quite a while. You don't get much time when you've got kids. Glad it's been well received. The next ep will be soon, possibly even tonight if i don't have my man over, lol!

[yadie05]

thanks luvlicca

[luvlicca]

no worries sweetie, just happy to help out!!!

[bellastar]

loved it! you are a fantastic writer! so funny! loved the characters and the hatred against ferals. loved how all the girls are different somehow. your story is like several mini stories in one, and i like that. i seriously can't wait for the next one! when are you gonna count me in?

[melissa]

Episode 2

"I heard it through the grapevine"

Lisa was inconsolable. She sat slumped in the corner of a toilet cubicle when Jen found her, simultaneously crying her eyes out and talking to her grandmother's spirit in that infernal (and butt-ugly) ring of hers.
'Hey... thought I'd find you here'.
'Should have locked the door'. Lisa bawled.
'Why, don't you want me here?'
'I don't want to see anyone! I want to fall through a hole in the ground and die! Travis is going to find out and he's going to think i'm a total idiot! They all will think I'm a total idiot! Heck, what am i talking about, I am a total idiot!' This started off a fresh barrage of tears and wailing, which in a bathroom full of tiles was quite loud.
'Um, if you keep crying like that, everyone will hear you'. Jen knew she wasn't helping matters, but didn't know what else to say.
'I don't care! I don't care about anything anymore! Gran understands me. She listens! I should just kill myself, so i can shuffle off this mortal coil and go and join her, and eat sprouts and mungbeans, and sing about the Age of Aquarius! At least where she is, they have free love! They're like, giving it away'.
Jen fought the urge to laugh. That was the last thing her friend needed. But it was hard. 'And you'd fit right in there, too. But that doesn't mean that you should kill yourself. I don't want you to die. And besides, who would help me carry out my evil plans to overthrow the Earth and Collingwood Footballl Club?'
Lisa considered this for a moment. 'You really need me?'
Jen grabbed a fistful of toilet paper from the dispenser. 'Of course I do! I couldn't go it alone! You're like, my wing-man... girl... or something. And hey, you have to help me. I want to go and talk to Heath Shaw and i need moral support. How are you going to do that when you're in Utopia living peace, love and mungbeans? Huh?'
Lisa wiped her eyes, which had become ringed with non-waterproof mascara. "At least someone needs me in this crummy world'. She muttered.
'Of course. You're like a sister to me. And... I know you don't think it now, but is Travis Cloke really worth killing yourself over? How do you know he'll laugh at you anyway? I've heard he's actually a pretty decent bloke'.
'Really?'
'Yeah! Absolutely. One of the girls who comes to training told me. I think her name is Jade. So see, everything will be alright. Do you really think that your little embarassing episode is going to be the only thing people are talking about around here?'

'Hey, Dale, guess what I heard? This chick in the member's lounge, right, walked out of the dunnies with her skirt tucked into her undies. It was so funny, man, Frase nearly snorted coke out of his nose, he was laughing so much (Leon to Dale)

"Tazza! Dude! Should have caught the peep show in the member's lounge! You know that chick who slept with Hally last year at the beach? Apparently she's advertising now..." (Brodie to Taz)

"Nicole, you'll never guess what happened today in the member's lounge. Brodie was there and he saw the whole thing..." (Sarita to Jason's girlfriend)

By about lunchtime the next day most of the team had heard the juicy gossip and had a laugh. Some felt bad, some felt a malicious sense of glee, probably due to the fact that in her recent past, Pinky had made her way through most of the Williamstown reserves and busted up plenty of relationships along the way. Some didn't feel anything at all, they just didn't have anything better to do. Needless to say, Lisa decided to lay low for a while. Jen didn't really want to, but she thought she should support her friend and stay away from the Lexus Centre for a few days. She missed Heath, though. How was she going to get close to him?

Emily and Dale were working out in the gym and chatting about life, footy and interesting events in the member's lounge. Dale was spotting Em while she lay under a twenty kilo barbell and couldn't help but see down the front of her Lycra crop top. He tried not to look, because she was his mate, and you just don't do those things. Little did he know but Em had strategically worn her revealing work out clothes just so he'd look! And he was doing plenty of that, all the while trying to pretend he wasn't. She ached to just grab him and kiss him, but this was not the time or the place. Anyone could just walk in. The rumour mill was rife around this place. And Dale didn't even know she liked him that way. Not that she hadn't dropped, like, bucketloads of hints. He just happened to be one of those guys who wouldn't know a hint if he fell over it. She suppressed a groan of frustration. She had to find some way of getting through to him, before he got himself a girlfriend. Hell, there was no shortage of chicks around here willing to put out for a guy like him. Luckily, Dale was not the type of guy to actually pursue a long-term relationship with someone who was too easy. But did he see her as more than just a friend? He was trying awfully hard not to look down at the view she'd so carefully organised for his eyes only. He didn't know she could see right up the cuff of his shorts! Not that there was anything to see. He wore bike shorts underneath. Bugger!
'So, are you going to the Black and White Ball this year?' Dale was saying. 'Your friend, Leelee, was telling me that her boss asked her to help organise the whole thing. She's really stressed out'.
'Really? She didn't tell me that this morning! She seemed alot happier that Marcy chick wasn't going to be bossing her around today. When did you see her?'
This was good, this was easy conversation. None of the hard stuff. The awkward stuff. She could handle this. She'd work her way around to the other stuff, evidentially. She knew she was taking the coward's way out, but couldn't help herself.
'Just before I came to meet you. Poor thing, she was shoved in this little space under the stairs. You know, with the little glass sliding window like at the movies?'
'Oh dear! Leelee won't like that! Don't know what she was expecting, though. SHe is only a trainee'.
'Yeah, but they could have given her a cubicle, at least'.
'True. Cost cutting, probably'.
Dale raised an eyebrow. "At one of the richest footy teams in the country? The reserves have better facilities than she's got'.
Em laughed. 'But they're not being paid trainee rates. You should ask her. Five dollars better than being on the dole, so she says'.
He shook his head and whistled. "Shit. Remind me not to quit my day job'.
'Speaking of your day job, don't you have an afternoon training sesssion?'
'Oh, crap! I'm late! Seeya!' Dale bolted like a horse from a burning stable. Em only just managed to put the barbell back up on the stirrups. "Gee, thanks, Daisy', she muttered. But she didn't really mind being ditched. Being around him was getting harder these days.

Leelee was run off her feet all morning, making calls to Crown to book the venue for the ball, liasing with Jennifer over the invitations, band etc. She barely had time to scratch herself when there was a tap on her window. She looked up and almost dropped the phone.
'Hi, Lee. See, I remembered your name'.
He looked divine in a white team polo shirt and the regulation black shorts. But then, Ryan Lonie could wear a hessian sack and look hot. She smiled up at him. 'Hi. How's it going?'
'Sorry, are you on a call? I'll come back later', he offered.
'No, no I was just about to make a call... but it can wait'. She put the phone down and slid the glass window open. Grinning, she put on her best receptionist's voice. "How can I help you?"
He grinned back. God, she loved those dimples! 'I was just wondering what time you get off work. Do you... want to go for a drink, or something?'
Oh my Godfather, he's asking me out, Leelee thought. All of a sudden the air in her little shoebox office seemed a tad on the thin side. She could barely breathe. Gathering her wits, she nodded. 'Um, yeah. Okay, why not? I finish at five'.
'Five it is', he said, with a smile as always. 'I'll meet you here, then'.
'Okay'. This came out as an almost inaudible squeak, as if she'd just inhaled helium. She waved as he turned and walked back down the hall. As soon as he was out of sight and she was sure no one could see her, she did her little Snoopy Dance of victory. Which consisted of waving the arms about and looking very chuffed indeed. And was kind of hard to do sitting down with a wooden eave inches from her head.

Strachanie knocked on Neil Balme's office door. 'It's Strachanie", he said, and opened the door a crack. 'Come in, Brian', Balmey said. He did, although rather anxiously. Meetings out of the blue like this were never good. Especially so early in the season.
'Sit down, Brian', Balmey said, gesturing at the chair opposite his desk.
'Actually, Balmey, mate, Strauchnie would prefer to stand, if you don't mind'.
'I do mind, Brian. Could you sit down, please?'
Strauchnie (I'm pretty sure that's how you spell it) took a seat, albeit reluctantly, and swung around to face the man who had his immediate fate in his hands. Balmey's face was looking redder than usual. This could not be good. This did not bode well for Strauchnie.
'Brian, I regret to tell you that this will probably be your last year with Collingwood. I know it's early, it's only May, but the fact is, you've been languishing on our list for the last two years and you haven't even managed a game with the reserves. You don't train, you don't work out, you refuse to follow the guidelines the dieticians sets you, and you seem to find it more important to go out cruising for chicks than put in any effort toward getting a game. In short, I'm basically telling you that as of today, your services - and i use that term loosely - are no longer required at Collingwood'.
Strauchnie put his head in his hands. 'I can't believe it! Strauchnie, not a Pie any more! What am I gonna tell the chicks that want a piece of the Straun Brawn? I'm finished in this town, I tell you! Finished!'
'I don't know about this town, but you're definitely finished at this footy club. Maybe you should think about applying for the draft. Put in a good, hard, earnest eight months or so and try to find a team that will take you. I'm not promising anything, but if the Kangaroos will take Jonathan Hay, you might have a shot at Arden Street'.
Strauchnie was barely hearing his words. He was absolutely distraught. He managed to mumble something to Balme and took off as fast as his feet and limited lung capacity could take him. Straight to the pub.
'I'm done, Jakey', He told the bartender in the middle of the day. 'I'm history. They don't want me. I thought, of all clubs to give a bloke a go, it'd be Collingwood. But they've shafted Strauchnie. Pulled out his heart and left him bleeding in the snow'.
'It's not snowing', Jake, the rather thick bartender noted, dismally. He was busy cleaning a glass and was not the least bit interested in anything Strauchnie had to say. Jake barracked for Richmond.
'I'll have another beer, Jakey, my boy', Strauchnie sobbed. 'Another pot of Carlton Drought. Cos they are the arch enemy of Collingwood. Maybe they'll take me. It'd stick it up the Pies, seeing Strauchnie play for the Filth'.
Jake didn't personally think the Pies would give a fat rat's clacker where Strauchnie ended up, but he wasn't going to say anything. The bloke was likely to go postal, the way he sat crying into his sixth beer like a disgruntled wharfie. He just wished the man would pass out and leave him be. How many sob stories can one man take in a day? Jake thought, not for the first time that hour, that he should have taken up some career that didn't involve psychology. Or fraternising with the public. Something like... bricklaying. Yeah, he could handle bricklaying.
He poured Strauchnie another beer and looked over at the door. The bar was almost empty but for Glenn Archer in the corner with a mate Jake didn't recognise as an AFL player, and the usual barflies up the other end of the counter. They were usually up this end, but they couldn't take any more of Strauchnie's blubbering.
Suddenly Strauchnie smelled a rather alluring perfume about in the air. He sniffed about like a dog. It was an unattractive sight, but already on his sixth beer, Strauchnie was way past caring. Or having much control over any of his vital functions. Strauchnie was a bit of a two pot screamer, really.
'Hi, stranger', purred a deep, husky voice. Was she talking to him? Strauchnie turned his head in the direction of her voice. You could have knocked him over with a feather. Here was the most gorgeous creature he'd seen in his life. Better than Christi Malthouse by a mile.
'Are.. are you... um... are you..'
'Yes, I'm talking to you, Bigboy'.
Alcohol numbing his senses, Strauchnie managed to mumble something inane like, 'Oh, I'm not a big boy. Trust me'.
'Oh, I'm sure that's not true!'
Getting a little bolder, Strauchnie thought he was definitely in with a shot, with this one. She's totally digging Strauchnie, he thought. I'll hit her with one of my best. 'Sho, Babe... Did yer know, there are 206 bones in the human body?'
'No, I did not know that', she purred, looking impressed but baffled.
Strauchnie grabbed his groin and said, 'Do ya want another one in there?'
He fully expected her to dump her drink in his lap. He braced himself for it. But she didn't. Instead, she grabbed the hand over the crotch of his pants, held it in hers and said, in a deep, sex-kitten voice, 'I'd love it'.
Strauchnie blinked. Did she say yes? He gaped, turned to Jake and mouthed the words "She said Yes?'
Jake nodded. Barely concealing a smirk. He knew something Strauchnie didn't know about this little vixen.
'I have to go and call my bestie, though. She's waiting for me at the salon. I'll tell her i have a hot date. Then we can go upstairs to my room, and you can show me a good time, Bigboy'. She winked and put on her best sexy walk over to the pay phone. Glenn Archer was using it, talking in a rather sheepish tone to his wife, trying to pass the bar at two o'clock in the afternoon off as work. Strauchnie took this opportunity to check his foxy lady out. Eyes blurred and head spinning, he took in six foot of tanned, toned legs, a rack that wouldn't quit (well, that was his beer goggles adding inches to her bust, but he wouldn't know it until later), long blonde hair and a shimmering, mermaid style dress. Wow. He couldn't believe his luck.
He didn't notice the look Archer gave him when he walked toward the stairs five minutes later, his lady friend on his arm. Archer wasn't quite as drunk as Strauchnie.
They were getting it on back up in her hotel room. Rolling around on a cheap red blanket on her queensize bed, knocking the lamp over, sending Gideon's Bible to the floor, and moaning like they were in the middle of the love act instead of barely second base. Strauchnie kept trying to put his hand up her dress but she kept slapping him and saying 'Not yet'. What the hell was she waiting for, The Last Post?
Strauchnie was hard, he was ready. He was redder in the face than usual. He squeezed her boobies - and shreiked in horror when one slid right out of the top of her dress and hit her in the cheek.
'What the...' He spluttered.
She looked embarassed. 'Oh... I'm not as big i'd like to be. I just don't fill out that dress very well. Please forgive me, I know it's like false advertising'.
'Oh, look... Strauchnie doesn't care. Don't worry about it. You're a beautiful woman', he said, running his hand up her leg. She didn't seem to be stopping him this time. When he got to the top of her thigh, his face went from red to stark white. 'Is that what Strauchnie thinks it is?', he gulped. He groped around a bit. Yep. Meat. Yep, two vegies. He didn't need to wait around for an explanation. He rolled off the bed and took off down the stairs, and out of that pub, never to grace it's doors again.
'Damn', said Courtney Act. 'I was so close that time'.

Strauchnie lingered near the train tracks. His life was in tatters. His team had deserted him. The only woman who had not taken a restraining order on him in the last five years was a bloke. Could things get any worse? He laid down on the tracks. Maybe a train would come. Put an end to this disolute, lonely life. He just couldn't take any more rejection.
'Hey mate', someone called. 'They don't use that line anymore. You'll be waiting a while'. Laughter. He was used to being laughed at. Didn't mean he wasn't sick of it. Speaking of sick, his stomach was complaining so he rolled over and sprayed the tracks with the last hour's worth of beer. Great. Couldn't even hold his liquor. He heard a train's whistle in the distance. He looked up. It was coming down the opposing track. This was it. This was his moment of reckoning.....

Will Strauchnie end it all?
Will Jen manage to get up the guts to talk to Heath Shaw?
Will Pinky ever realise that her Gran does not speak to her through her ring?
Find out in the next episode, where you'll hear Miss Piggy say... oh no, that's the Muppet Show.

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