Humour :D

[Cam]

Its been a bad day. Hope this helps..

How to shower like a woman
*Take off clothes and place in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.
*Walk to bathroom wearing dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
*Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out tummy, complain about getting fat.
*Get in shower, look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.
*Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
*Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
*Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner and enhanced natural crocus oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
*Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
*Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa body wash.
*Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
*Shave armpits and legs, consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
*Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
*Turn off shower.
*Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Shower Power.
*Get out of shower, dry with clean fluffy towel.
*Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
*Check entire body for remotest signs of spots, attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them).
*Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
*If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and half getting dressed.


How to shower like a man
*Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
*Walk naked to bathroom, if wife seen, shake knob at her while
shouting, whey hey.
*Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
*Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch sack and smell fingers for one last whiff.
*Get in shower.
*Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.
*Wash face.
*Piss in shower.
*Wash armpits.
*Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower.
*Wash sacks and surrounding area, making sure its REAL clean.
*Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
*Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
*Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo, pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
*Rinse off and get out of shower, fail to notice water on floor
because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
*Partially dry off.
*Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
*Leave bathroom light and fan on.
*Return to bedroom with towel round waist, if you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go, 'Yeah baby' and thrust pelvis at her.
* Put on yesterday's clothes.

[AnthonyC]

Thanks Cam. ROFLMAO!!

Think I'll go take a shower..... after the wife's finished.

[Cam]

FURTHER EDUCATION FOR MEN
Week 1
How to fill up the ice cube trays.
Step by step, with slide presentation.

Week 2
The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Week 3
Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat
up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
Group practice.

Week 4
Fundamental differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Week 5
The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the
kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Week 6
Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline support and support groups.

Week 7
Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead
of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Week 8
Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Week 9
Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real life testimonials.

Week 10
Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Week 11
Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Week 12
How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation. Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Week 13
How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other
important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

[Cam]

Code Word For Sex...
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that
they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They
decided on "typewriter".

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy
that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her
dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a
letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child
went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type
that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and
announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote
the letter by hand."

[Cam]

Wrong Answer

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "SH*T."

[Cam]

last one

The Dentist

This guy has a really bad toothache, so he goes to the dentist. After being examined, he's told the tooth will have to be pulled out. The cost is $500.

"But I only have $250", says the unfortunate man. "That's OK, I can do it without the needle", replies the sadistic dentist.

"That's not a problem. I've only cried twice in my life, so I should be able to take it." "Twice?!? What do you mean?" asks the unbelieving dentist. "Well, the first time, I was out hunting in the woods. I really had to take a crap, and I finally couldn't take it anymore. So I pulled down my pants, and unloaded right there. The problem was that my shit fell on a bear trap, and it snapped shut on my testicles."

The dentist involuntarily closes his legs, and exclaims, "That must've hurt! When was the second time?"

"When I got up, started running and hit the end of the chain."

[Proud Pies]

Absolute Rippers Cam, thanks a lot. I think we all need some light hearted relief.

[Warbler]

I haven't laughed or even smiled since yesterday - until reading these jokes . Ta muchley , just what I needed .

[wimmey]

Have you got hidden cameras at my house Cam?

[Cam]

yeah wimmey, but they are switched off during the day

[wimmey]

But thats when all the action happens...

[Lorelei]

LOL this has to become a sticky...!!

[stik35]

Very funny Cam - I just read the shower one to my husband - that is just like us!
Spooky.

[MissMagpie_20]

Gr8 stuff Cam. I really needed a laugh. Thanx.

[Cam]

Breast Feeding....

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and determined that it had a fever and was also hungry. The doctor inquired as to whether the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. After stopping to take some notes, he pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts some more. Finally he quit, took more notes, and told her, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"


Momma Bear

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl, and it is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge"?!! he squeaks.


Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge"?, he roars.


Momma Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen and yells,

"HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGHT THIS!!?"

"It was Momma Bear who got up first,"
"It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Momma Bear who made the coffee."
"It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away."
"It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper."
"It was Momma Bear who set the table."
"It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled
the cat's water and food dish."
"And now you've decided to drag your lazy asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence. Listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET"!!!



Something Exciting

The prep class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting
and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give
their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call
upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"I don't know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one and Daddy totally freaked out and Mummy fainted"