Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[Culprit]

A nice, calm & respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big & he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[stui magpie]

LOL,

Not a joke but true, up in Darwin, the Parliament house is a very large square, white structure. Locals call it "the wedding cake'

Now, if you look at the building, it does actually look like an upside down wedding cake, but the true reason for the name, according to locals, is because just like a wedding cake, it's full of fruits and nuts mixed with alcohol.

[think positive]

Hehehe good one!

[Culprit]

Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, "Oh Dad, there’s one."
"No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."
A little while later, along came a really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he’s big enough."
"No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad, let’s eat her."
"No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we’re going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

[stui magpie]

^

That's an absolute shocker.

[Culprit]

A Prostitute's Tax Return...

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Poultry Farmer it is."

[Culprit]

I found my Westie, Lachie, with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blow dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbour’s house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbour asked me, "Dale, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbour replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there !

[stui magpie]

A pregnant woman goes into labour. She's in the maternity ward in the local hospital, with her husband beside her, and things aren't going well.

She has a medical condition which means they can't give her any pain relief, but she's going through a really difficult and painful labour, so the specialist suggests they try an experimental procedure.

He pulls out a metal skull caps and explains that the cap transfers pain. If the wife put one on, a portion of her pain can be transferred to the father of the child. The percentage of pain can be chosen on a dial on the cap, but the problem is (and the reason it's experimental) is that the pain is magnified 2 times.

The husband is a good bloke and can see his wife is struggling, so he agrees to give it a go.

So, with the caps fitted, they start off with the dial on 20. This means he's taking 20% of the pain off her but feeling 40%.

After a couple of minutes she's still struggling but he's feeling fine so he says to turn it up to 50%. Taking half the pain from her but coping 100% for himself.

A few more minutes, she's still struggling and he's feeling fine, so he says to dial it up to 100%.

Pain free, she cruises through the labour which lasts several hours while the husband sits there not breaking a sweat, thinking to himself how much women exaggerate this stuff and clearly have no pain tolerance at all. He'd just taken 200% of the pain of a long drawn out labour and barely felt a thing.

After the birth and spending some loving time with his wife and new child, he left the hospital and drove home.


To find his brother dead on the front porch

[Culprit]

ha ha

[Culprit]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

[stui magpie]

LOL, I can see that actually happening.

[HAL]

Oops. Too much data.

[David]

'70s joke about the then-leader of communist East Germany:

Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He greets the Sun, saying: "Good morning, dear Sun!" — "Good morning, dear Erich!" Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!" — "Good day, dear Erich!" In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!" Hearing nothing, Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?" The sun retorts: "Kiss my arse. I'm in the West now!"

[Culprit]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.

[David]

Boooo. *throws rotten tomatoes*