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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:43 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes:

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My Wife screams when we have sex, especially when I walk in the room.

Smoking, I have a cigarette after I have sex, yep I haven't had one since 1970. My wife, she is going through 3 packs a day.

My wife she refuses to kiss me but let's our dog lick her face.

My dog is so dumb, I call it Egypt. Yeah it leaves Pyramids in every room it visits.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Skids Cancer

Quitting drinking will be one of the best choices you make in your life.


Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 . Member #175

PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:35 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't know where to put this, but I can't stop laughing!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOto5qYWgHg

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Don't count the days, make the days count.
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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:37 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

That is interesting.
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Dark Beanie Gemini



Joined: 06 Feb 2004
Location: A galaxy far, far away.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 12:12 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Skids wrote:
I didn't know where to put this, but I can't stop laughing!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOto5qYWgHg


OMG, Laughing Laughing

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If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2018 12:54 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

ewww
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You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2018 10:26 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Melbourne. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me , but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ...........she just walked in."
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2018 6:31 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave Allen was a great story teller.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqho4h8OcPI

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Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2018 7:28 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^^Loved David Allen.
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2018 6:33 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Stolen from Jimmy Carr.

I don't understand fundamentalist Islamic suicide terrorists. Why would you become one on the off chance you might get 72 virgins when you die, when you could become a catholic priest and get them now?

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Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2018 6:07 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2018 8:24 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is, tragically, hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there’s a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to,” says St. Peter, “but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you’ll be allowed to choose where to spend eternity.”

“Seriously? Then, I’ve made up my mind,” says the senator. “I want to be in heaven.”

“I’m sorry, but I have my orders.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him in days gone by.

Everyone is very happy. They’re dressed nicely and having a great time. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the taxpayers. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it’s time to go visit heaven.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, singing and worshipping the Almighty God. They have a good time and — before he realizes it — the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well now, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, and then he answers: “Well, I would never have said this before … I mean heaven has been delightful … but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it into black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday, I was campaigning. Today you’ve already voted.”
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2018 10:08 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

Hah,

There's an old variation of that, using a HR / Recruitment person.

The punchline is "Yesterday we were trying to recruit you, today you're staff"

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Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:23 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

A few versions going around. Smile
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:04 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact
Nancy, Nancy?
Is that you, Ray
“Yes, I've come back like we agreed.
That's wonderful! What's it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again
Oh, Ray! Are you in Heaven?


No, I'm a bloody rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:08 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

How about that. What time?
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